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I think people die exactly when they need to. This morning I was thinking about the people in my life who have died, regardless of the cause, and as much as really miss some of them, I just can’t help but think of how miserable they would feel if they were alive right now. Sometimes I like to think that these people were meant to be here just to be amazing for a little while and then fate gives them a way out because it knows what‘s coming next. Some people are just too perfect to deserve to stay here long enough to be sullied by the world.
Nov 10, 2024
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My cousin died a few months ago and him passing was the first time I realized that life is so unpredictable and weird. I had just saw him for the first time in 6 years during christmas time. He was him, the same funny smart ass that made everyone in the room laugh. He talked about how he loved nature at length, We talked about heading up north and camping because he has never been to Northern California and I knew he would love it up there. I say all this to say that I never thought I would have to see my cousin pass before me. I thought we would get old, have some kids and see each other every few years and just laugh about how crazy we were as kids. I’m just so happy I had those 3 hours with him, seeing him go on and on about how he loved nature, watching him have hope for the future, loving life to the fullest. When I struggle to get through the minor inconveniences of life, I think about my cousins smile as he talked about nature. I think about how you should just love being alive and take it all in. How lucky I am to be one in a million. Life is very very strange, but bruh is it not beautiful.
Jun 18, 2024
Sometimes it just pops out of nowhere, sometimes it’s just a passing memory and sometimes out of the blue I feel the weight of what happened. I had a best friend, a person with which I connected in a way I never did with anyone. She moved out of the city and with that she stopped any communication with me. I miss her. I miss her so much. I feel like I must have fucked up big time for this to be happening. In our last call I told her I was worried we would lose contact with the distance and she told me it would never happen. I believed her. It’s a weird sadness; most of the time I can see clearly that more than try to text her I cannot do much and I’m angry or confused about the situation but it passes, I go by my day. But sometimes this wave of sadness arrives and I remember how she made me laugh, how she looked at me, the day we actually talked like friends for the first time and then it hits me that we might have spoken for the last time. how could that be? I still believe her. One day she’ll call me and my memories of today will fade and get replaced by others of us together.
I should have called her more, told her more times how I loved her, how she was beautiful, we should have gone to more concerts together, we should have said yes to that dude who wanted to interview us for a tiktok. We should have when there still was a we.
One day talking about relationships, I mentioned how incapable I am at letting go and how sometimes I start to resent the person I can’t let go for the things we do to each other. So maybe it’s all for the best, maybe I’m being spared, maybe it will save our memories from being tainted, maybe that‘s all the time meant for us. I don’t know but I wish I did.
Jan 18, 2025
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I don’t mean this in a dark or morbid way – it’s just truly a great reality check. Time is precious. (And if you’re dealing with death or loss, I like to recommend The Dark Interval: Letters on Loss, Grief, and Transformation by Rainer Maria Rilke – a lovely collection of Rilke’s correspondences with bereaved friends and acquaintances during times of mourning).
Mar 23, 2023
Top Recs from @starvinginthefigtree
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Saturn is really the best planet. There’s a reason why the only planetary body that has an emoji that isn’t a luminary is Saturn. Neptune is maybe a close second though.
Mar 15, 2025
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Normally, I’m a big album person, but lately my roommate got me into listening to my liked songs. It’s amazing. You get the best of all worlds, Nirvana into Clairo into Caroline Polachek into Talking Heads into Andre3000… How spectacular that we have all of the music in the world just at our constant disposal.
Nov 12, 2024
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Videos, outside of your window, whatever. Lighting is so scary but so intriguing and beautiful at the same time. Or maybe those things make it beautiful. I don’t know. All I know is that I love watching lightning strike.
Mar 15, 2025