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i was far too busy getting completely obliterated to do so in my early 20s. (do not recommend.)
but the experience of doing schoolwork now feels like it did as a little kid. you know.. before puberty knocked me awake to the reality of my shitty home life, which caused a haze of depression to fall over me.
in my single digit years i remember being so excited to do school work, and feeling so proud of myself when i did well. im getting a taste of that again.
i never lost the exhilarating feeling i got from gaining knowledge that truly excites me. but it’s a beautiful new kinda thing with the added clarity gained from not being ripped on weed 24/7 and the added confidence gained from surviving the shit hand that was given to me as a kid.
hang in there 🕊️
Oct 28, 2024
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first day of school two years post college feels like I’m a kid again
and it’s for actual classes I’m excited about
Aug 26, 2024
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Dropped out of bachelors sem 1 because of a shitty roommate and no friends and then fucked around and failed a ton of classes in community college and finally finished up while my friends are graduating with bachelors!! Now I’m trying to go back to a school and get some college life experience before I turn into an old man ! Work in progress… on the way I found some work I actually enjoy doing and actually have a bit of a plan and a lot more of a personality than I did at 18!
I regret nothing but the F’s on my transcript.. I don’t even regret the amount of time it took me. I eventually got fed up with my shit work ethic and being on academic probation.. last two semesters I had like a 3.7 gpa that I am very proud of. I stagnated really hard at the end of high school and genuinely had zero passion for anything.. finding stuff I actually like took time. I have things to do that aren’t stupid video games and YouTube videos and common ground I can use to make friends.. not content with my current life situation yet but I am more and more content with myself as a personality every day
May 29, 2025
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I hated college when I was there but I miss it so much everyday. I miss smiling at people in the hallway and doing homework. I think it’s good to reflect and appreciate things, even if you didn’t appreciate it in the moment. Having something to yearn about will push you to greater places.
Jan 8, 2025
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im a hardcore people pleaser. when i started getting into heroin heavily i noticed how when i was on the bus i was able to assert myself and be rude to people who deserved it. the compulsion to be a walking punching bag was something i loathed about myself. i was always the first to apologize when someone else bumped into me. it was humiliating, but i couldn’t stop it without dope.
eventually i found myself unable to financially maintain a 6 bag a day habit. i got on methadone. train rides into manhattan became unbearable as i sunk back into sycophantic hysteria. i could no longer advocate for myself when a creep sat across the aisle staring at me for 10 stops. i gazed at my phone, unable to look away for a second in case i accidentally made eye contact with yet another creep who wouldn’t leave me alone. so i started taking xanax. like heroin, it allowed me to slip into bitchiness easily.
i’ll save you all the whining about how awful heroin and xanax addiction was. it’s obvious why using drugs to be a bitch isn’t sustainable. it took a long time but i quit xanax and got off methadone. a little over a year ago i cut out the last three mind altering substances in my daily rotation. in a fresh state of clarity, i found myself right back where i was ten years prior.. being a doormat to assholes on public transportation.
getting high definitely allowed me to be the bitch i always wanted to be.
but (in my authentic corny ass overly earnest fashion) i have found my life to be more full by accepting myself and dealing with who i really am. using drugs to put me in bitch mode didn’t make me that bitch. the yearning for acceptance just festered deeper and deeper inside of my core. i’m still working on my people pleasing ways, one interaction at a time. i guess it’s something that i’ll always have to fight. but i feel so much stronger facing my flaws with a clear mind.
i continue to be the first to apologize when someone bumps into me on the bus. it’s ok though. slowly i am gaining the ability to advocate for myself when it really matters. without being a bitch.
Jul 22, 2024
grateful i was able to catch this weird little subculture while it was new
Jul 22, 2024
