š§°
If you have strong checkpoints yet find yourself being run over by narcs. It's worth doing a post-op learning and understanding why. I practically live on homework!
Found this Reddit post really helpful:
"A couple things.
Obviously tune up your radar so you can spot them early on, and be ruthless about boundaries including summary termination of the relationship without notice, announcement, or explanation other than perhaps to hold them expressly responsible. E.g., your behavior X isn't consistent with my values.
Almost as obviously, don't judge prematurely, give others the benefit of the doubt, recognize your own triggers and the substantial prospect of misunderstanding, figure out ways to get someone to explain themselves ("I don't understand" and "what?" go a long way), and be clear and express with your boundaries if only to give the person an opportunity to apologize (they will, or they'll justify / explain / deny but either way, they'll reveal themselves). Also recognize that people sometimes just put their foot in their mouth (not that I ever have, of course) and forgiveness is a virtue.
Importantly, don't go out into the world saying you can't trust any more. That embraces and perpetuates the role and identity of victim and perpetuates your prior tormentors' influence over your psyche.
Better instead to reject and, indeed, defy that influence expressly and with purpose. Think of oneself as an empowered adult free to associate, or not, with whomever you choose, in your own terms, without apology or justification, responsible for yourself, your decisions, and self view, and who is a keen judge of character borne of experience and insight.
Living well is the best revenge, they say."
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šŖ
Everyone deserves to acknowledge the things that hurt them and the fact that past traumas can make you anxious/make it more difficult to perform tasks that may seem easy for others. That however, does not mean you should go ahead and use those events as ammunition to excuse yourself from being a kind, respectful human being.
For instance, let's say you have roommates and they've kindly let you know several times that you need to clean up after yourself as the apartment is getting messy and it's a shared space. Despite them asking nicely, you accuse them of triggering you because being told to clean reminds you of the toxic relationship you had with your parents at home. All of a sudden they are now actively attacking your mental health and they have to either clean up after you since you refuse to do so or continue leaving the apartment a mess until you potentially change your mind. (I know this this might seem like an extreme example, but I've witnessed something very similar irl and there's far too many tiktoks of people mentioning similar experiences for me to think this is a singular experience.)
Now look, it is important to inform others of our limitations so that there's less friction as we navigate different environments and work on ourselves, but weaponizing the terminology we learn in therapy or online to victimize yourself and blame others for shrugging off your own responsibilities is far from healing. We share this planet with a bunch of other people, we are not isolated ecosystems. And as much as we can ask others to accommodate us, we must also do some internal work ourselves to meet them halfway.
We all are fighting our own personal demons and merit the space to address them, but there is a massive difference between understanding our issues to heal and grow from them versus using them to excuse destructive actions and accuse others of triggering us for suggesting alternatives/challenging our perspectives.
Nov 27, 2024
š¤ŗ
Itās a skill that only gets less scary with practice. Do it with people you wonāt ever see again, and do small things! As you get more confident then you can level up to bigger conflict. Like, itās really amazing how much things arenāt that big of a deal. Anxiety makes it seem to us like weāre unsafe for stating our needs.
My journey was one that included a lot of therapy, which if you look at my stuff I recommend a lot. I was always very willing and able to stand up for others, but not myself, so I did a lot of questioning āif this was someone else, would I be okay with it?ā and imagining that I was standing up for younger me. Often times over the top people pleasing was a survival tool that was needed, but isnāt any more.
Alsoā¦ realize you donāt have to be a bitch. Asking for respect and your needs to be met isnāt bitchy. Does that mindset stop you from standing up for yourself? Conflict can be very simple, straightforward, and respectful. If someone goes off on you, thatās their issue. And thatās something that helped me a lot too- other peopleās reactions werenāt entirely because of me. If someone reacted poorly, I could also draw boundaries with how Iām being treated. Pretty cool. Makes me feel like I can handle anything.
Lastly, I worked as a caseworker with DCFS for a few years and that really helped me in the long run. I had to work with and try to help people that hated me, and I learned a lot. While I donāt recommend anyone work for DCFS bc itās a shit system, being forced to experience conflict so much did the trick.
Jul 22, 2024
āļø
i have been in situations where it felt like i needed to be the better person for others to think im not hurt. times when i needed to be around people who hurt me really bad in life.
what i learned from that is, some people will never do you dirty again. others will š and when i catch who will hurt me again, i keep them at a distance and donāt invest energy into maintaining anything.
forgiveness should not be guaranteed, and its difficult to have people come in your ear to say you need to forgive in order to move on. no you need ti just set boundaries around people who hurt you and move forward with it. there are so many people back in my college days where mutually things were so bad. will i apologize and forgive them? probably not ill just distance myself from those people and they become an afterthought.
Mar 9, 2025
Top Recs from @sachikom
Python!
Honestly very hard for me to get into - I have ZERO coding knowledge and nothing I could really latch onto - knowledge transfer is how I learn. But https://futurecoder.io/ is great (after lots of Redditing)
Aug 18, 2024
The puffin is the latest addition to more than 180 known speciesāmany of them sharks, corals, and other marine animalsāthat emit a luminous glow.
The fact that so many marine animals biofluoresce "tells us organisms are using light in ways we don't even see,"Ā John Sparks, curator of fishes at the American Museum of Natural History in New York City.
Nov 16, 2024
āļø
I read that happiness is when your expectations falls below the reality. A new mind project for April. Good prognosis.
Apr 7, 2024