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Iāve been known to gas myself up. Iāll walk into a room and announce that I love my outfit for the day. Iāll show someone a spreadsheet that I made and say that Iām in awe of my brain for having such a good idea and bringing it to fruition. And I can assure you that Iām laughing at every single one of my jokes.
Itās obvious how loving yourself and having confidence improves how you feel overall. We know this, we understand this. What I want to talk about is the lesser known impacts of believing in yourself, which is how the rest of the world interacts with you when you carry yourself with unshakable confidence.
On the surface, how do other people react when Iām giving myself a gold star? They giggle, sometimes they may roll their eyes.
On a deeper level, when you truly walk through the world knowing that you are that bitch, it creates an inexplicable magnetism. People notice you in a different way. Take a compliment on an outfit, for example. I wear cute clothes, but so do a lot of people. When someone compliments my outfit, what they are often actually drawn to is that they can tell that EYE feel amazing wearing my outfit.
I love job interviews. People find this shocking and confusing, but theyāre going about interviews all wrong. Iām not trying to sell myself, sound like I know what Iām talking about, convince someone to hire me, none of this nonsense. Iām excited to talk about my previous work and skills that Iām so proud of and how amazing I am. I donāt have to tell them how valuable I am, how lucky they would be to have me- the way I believe in myself conveys it.
As mother (RuPaul) says, āif you donāt love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?ā We always talk about treating other people in the way that you want to be treated, but that starts with you. Are you nice to yourself? Do you love yourself? Are you the only girl in the world? If you canāt show up for yourself in these ways, itās going to limit your capacity to show up for others.
We donāt have to pretend like this is possible every moment of every day. Most days, it feels like everything in our environment is trying to tear us down constantly (especially women!) and sometimes its all too much. Sometimes you just wake up and itās just not your day. These things happens. Good news- you can try again tomorrow.
Worried about being labeled as delusional? Youāre not- you are the baddest bitch in the room. Labeled as extra? Good. Take up as much space as you see fit. Vain? Thatās fine. Some people canāt see whatās beyond the surface; the 700th selfie I put on IG has much less to do with liking my face and much more to do with feeling beautiful in my soul.
Itās hard to put into words. But when you believe in yourself, people notice. They wonāt be able to put their finger on it, thereās just something about you that stands out. It comes through in our body language, our micro-behaviors, and the wavelengths and vibrations we canāt see and feel.
Try it out. Lie to yourself until you believe it.
Then, watch the world start to fall at your feet.
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I realized a few years ago that my desire and attempts to look a certain way were failing. It wasnāt realistic, and it was making me feel inauthentic, empty, and unhappy. Cameras capture every thing, so itās easy to dwell on imperfections. But thatās not how people experience you. Itās not how others think about you or see you. Imagine how critical you are of yourself and imagine someone else being that critical of another person. Youād think thereās something wrong with them! Who focuses on a personās looks that much! Get a life you misery!
Thatās how we treat ourselves. Thereās an epidemic happening where everyone wants and is going out and getting the same face. The same body. Itās so boring. Your āflawsāāas society has taught you to think about themāare not flaws. They make you unique. Memorable. They make you beautiful. To love yourself is active resistance in an economy fueled by obsession over flaws and unhappiness.
One of the actors in White Lotus, Aimee Lou Woods has some objectively flawed teeth. But thatās what makes her so unique, so special. So cute! They make her attractive because sheās unapologetic about them.
Embracing my big goofy smile and big ears and crinkled crows feet makes me feel comfortable in my own skin. That feeling is so powerful. It spreads to other parts of your life and attracts people to you. Itās how you carry yourself, how you move in the world, engage with other peopleā not how you look.
Mar 29, 2025
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Firstly, Iām so sorry youāre feeling that wayā thatās really crummy, and Iām sure that once you feel that way everything feels like confirmation of being unspecial. But in a very very real way, you might be bored with yourself because you know yourself so wellā other people donāt know you. You could walk into a bar or a cafe or an event and you would be new to at least one person there. If you feel like you arenāt interesting conversationally, are you a good listener? In a very honest way, the people Iāve found hottest and most intriguing are always good listeners, and people who are quiet and incisive. Itās okay if you donāt talk on and on; a lot of āinterestingā people are just filling space with noise. Noise is always briefly exciting or interesting, but that doesnāt mean it has substance or adds value. Trust me on this, Iām a performer and frankly so many nights Iām just making noise.
So first piece of advice is, approach yourself as if you were a strangerā look at everything about you like youāve never ever seen it before, and start to notice what you like. Then build on those things. Like, itās okay if you hate your clothes, but do you have one jacket/shirt/earring that you love? Wear that so much, and slowly look out for pieces that make you feel like the thing you loveā itās okay if it takes time, the outfits that make me feel dynamic are all cobbled together from stuff I found over years.
Then look at other people, what do you find interesting about them? I am a knockoff of every woman I ever thought was coolā my summer camp counselor, my gender studies TA from my first year of college, my mom, and literally everyone else. Thatās okay though, mimicking what you like is a way of developing your taste, and you will put yourself together in a way thatās a little different and totally your own.
Itās okay if it takes timeā sometimes we have seasons where we donāt like ourselves a ton, but they do pass, and who you will be in a year is a brand new personā you havenāt met them yet, and you might love them. Tiny practical advice? Go for walks; itās good for your body, it releases endorphins, and it gives you a chance to people watch/observe nature. Read something small; it can be a single poem, or an essay, or a childrenās bookā I love Howlās Moving Castle and if Iām feeling stuck in a rut I read that, even though itās a childrenās book. If reading isnāt your thing watch a movie or a TV episode, but whatever you consume, watch it and take notes, like youāre a secret criticā note what you liked, whether itās costumes or language or the vibe, and what you didnāt, and then you can find more things like itā thatās how you develop your own taste, and itās a good way to develop language around art and media.
All critics and essayists and everyone whose job is to write interestingly about art started with shit they liked in middle school, and built on that to find their own languageā you can do that too.
Sorry for the hugely long post, but I promise that you are more interesting than you give yourself credit for, and there are people in the world who will see that.
Feb 19, 2024
Itās incredible how many people genuinely think they are boring. There have been so many times Iāve spoken with people and they confess that they think that they havenāt done much with their life, or that they donāt have much interesting to talk about, but itās almost never the case.
From what I can tell, itās often caused by a lack of knowing thyself. Or maybe a low self esteem? Iāve been through it too, and it is so so not true for anyone.
Youāve done so much living. Why do you feel like your story is not worth telling? I know youāve gone through some crazy shit once or twice. if you really havenāt, whatās stopping you from getting out there and creating stories to talk about? Start small! go to a coffee shop once a week. See if they have any clubs to join, and try that out! youāll be making memories in NO TIME.
If you have trouble finding meaningful/fun conversation, just remember that the effort must flow both ways. You are merely just working with what the other person is providing you, and if they arenāt giving you anything to work with, itās not your fault. You arenāt boring, you are just around people who dont vibe with you. And thatās okay! Not every person is going to be your specific kind of person. Plus, if you arenāt having fun talking to them, why does it matter if they like you? the much cooler people who value your input are just around the corner. I promise.
One day youāll be able to shine your beautiful personality on someone who is equally as bright you are, you magnificent comet, you.
Feb 13, 2025
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