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The day after my 28th birthday, I woke up to more notifications on this app than I'd ever had on any social media platform before. My birthday post apparently struck a chord with others, got re-rec'd, reached more people than I expected. It was something I'd wanted since my first insecure steps on social media at 13: Eyes on my words. And now it terrified me. I didn't know what to post anymore, got too hung up on the imagined expectations of a handful of new followers. So I took a step back. Took a temp job in HR. Focused on my Substack. After a while, ever so slowly, I came back to myself and the ideas I had for this account. All I needed was some space.
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in early 2022, i had somewhat of a menty b and abandoned my tumblr, which i used for like 12 years. watching tumblr go from toxic to wholesome and self-aware** and then back to toxic over the years made my eye twitch. "not this shit again." so i stopped doomscrolling and i stopped posting on social media, save for a few very rare and random occasions. my instagram became an instrument solely for the purpose of sending my partner memes and saving craft project ideas.
2022, 2023, and now 2024 have passed. my life did not get easier, especially this past year when i lost a friend to cancer, had my job nuked by my state government, and everything else that made 2024 in america particularly trash. i also exist in a marginalized body so there's no real way of escaping constant news of doom. my aversion to living any aspect of my life with an online audience of strangers only grew. seeing people i once knew become addicted to shame because the internet rewards it was particularly disheartening. watching those people become indoctrinated in real time made me feel really hopeless.
so as much as i hate the idea of self-surveilling, i had to admit to myself that i have a lot to give, a lot to share. from all the reading i've done on the human condition in the past 3 years, it seems the only way to combat hopelessness is to share meaning with others. i'm still mostly going to do that offline, but i was happy to find that a platform such as pi.fyi exists because i hate algorithms and people sharing what they like with others is so human.
my corn mittens post getting so much love (tysm btw) made me feel very human, but also kind of sick from all the dopamine hitting my underprepared brain. overall, a great experience posting anything for the first time in years.
**in terms of tumblr, i mean. i realize this is not everyone's experience.
Dec 19, 2024
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I need a place to archive my thoughts in a dated manner, but also not on instagram. I used to post things pretty frequently on my stories and then have a 'highlights' of the year that I could go back to look at, but now, I am not so comfortable sharing on such a commercial soul sucking platform that is data mining and surveilling and selling. I also feel like I am not, in my core, a good person. There are very few people who, when I see their success and happiness, spark genuine joy for me. For the most, I have to take a deep breath and remind myself that their life does not affect mine and that I should not let the display of their wealth of happiness, opportunity and beauty spoil the pursuit of my own. Some days, I feel so engrossed in knowing and wanting to know the updates of all the people around me. Now, I just want to shrink and disappear, I do not want people to know what I am up to and I do not want to peripherally watch others either. I want to focus on myself. I feel like I need to cut the plug on instagram with a hard delete. Maybe I will just buy myself a photo printer and print out the 'instagram' shots with their memories and make my own photobook instead. But I need to find a new way to document and archive my life.
Feb 8, 2025
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about two weeks ago, i deleted all social media from my phone. tiktok, instagram & facebook. i truly think this was one of the best decisions i made. i find myself living my days a little less stressed and i find myself engaging in the world more.
my biggest fear before deleting the apps was that i would be completely out of touch with the world. i did feel like that for the first week, but after the 'detox' i felt better. i still stay in touch with news, i use Reuters and NPR to stay up to date as they are pretty unbiased compared to other news outlets. often i go to a site called allsides where i can see how the news is being reported across the spectrum.
every so often, i'll open instagram on my browser for a little bit and can really only stay on there for like 5 minutes. i no longer see the appeal and quite frankly it stresses me out to be on there. i am not ignorant to the things going on in the world, i have just found joy in finding out about things in a different way. i have linked the allsides website to this post, i think it's worth looking at because it is really interesting to see how different outlets report things.
Feb 2, 2025
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I'm a July baby. Growing up, I spent most of my birthdays alone. Some years because my friends had left the country. Some years because I'd left the country. Some years because I had no friends. And with every year passing, the pressure to spend my birthday surrounded by friends and family and to have a good time increased. Every year I felt like a failure when I couldn't make it happen. So I stopped telling people it's my birthday.
But today is my 28th birthday.
Jul 17, 2024
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"If the two of you are so good together, why don't you make a move?" my friend asked me in a dream about the guy I was ever so slowly falling for. Those words echoed through my mind for months, from the first date till the final breakup.
Jun 14, 2024
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I hadn't seen my friend since New Year's Eve. Now it was October, her wedding day, and she barely gave me the chance to gush over her gorgeous dress, her makeup, her jewelry.
"You look happier," she said. "Your energy has changed. It's much calmer now. I'm happy for you."
I love her for taking the time out of her special day to notice me like that.
Oct 13, 2024