i have found that over-prescribing to any kind of theory that sticks you in one box is often a bad idea! Most of the time the way we react in relationships isn’t just down to our own “attachment style” but a huge amount of factors, including the person that we’re entering into relationships with. Someone might be ”avoidant” with one person and “anxious” with another, then one person comes along who treats them how they like and suddenly they feel secure. Of course, this isn’t to say that there won’t be recurring traumas or feelings that might be a pattern in your relationships, but my advice (based on my own experience) is to treat each of those feelings as it’s own unique thing as and when it comes up, rather than a part of a whole “I am this kind of person with this kind of attachment style”. I think it can trap you into feeling that you’re broken, or that the problem is always you (when sometimes it’s you, sometimes it’s them, sometimes it’s both or neither). My advice would be to note when these feelings are triggered in you, and what possible behaviour or situation set it off. why did that trigger that feeling? Is that a reasonable response to that situation? If it is can you express the discomfort and change the situation or behaviour? If it’s not a reasonable response then can you try to work through the feeling as separate from that situation? If it is reasonable but you cannot explain it to the other person in order to change their behaviour it might not be the right situation for you to be in!
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Attachment styles? Signs of covert narcissism? BPD? Rules for no contact?
Consume and practice in moderation.
Nothing will give you control of your relationships with other humans or shield you from pain and that’s the beauty of it. Just go out, experience it all, and, above all, learn and be kind.
Jul 2, 2024
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whenever i find myself in these situations i remind myself that we are all subject to the same cycles of suffering, the same grasping and the same resistance to change. i can recall many times where i have been an annoyance or a negative person and it's usually due to an internal problem that i'm dealing with. i like to give people the benefit of the doubt and remember that their behavior is likely a result of their own suffering.... always reminding myself that the negativity of others is not mine to carry. i think that the western way of thinking (huge emphasis on self-centeredness, individuality, seeking for power) allows us to slip into this headspace, where you are upset with others for not doing things the way you would or simply doing things that disrupt our own activities, very easily. it's not necessarily your fault but more so how we've been conditioned... practicing compassion seems easy in theory but can be very hard in practice sometimes. providing yourself with gentle reminders about the truths of our silly little existence is the best way to counteract the irritation you feel at times. remind yourself that we are just little animals and that these feelings are just weather and it will pass.
Jan 29, 2025
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a lot of the time we become so upset, sad, or disappointed in a person or situation that we don’t realize that we’re making it worse, for ourselves at least, by reacting in anger or gloom or resentment. these days, i often tend to ask myself if something is worth stressing over and then take it from there. if it is, i can evaluate my feelings accordingly and if its not, i can then focus on myself and direct my energy towards something that makes me feel good. that’s how i interpret “protect your peace”
Jan 29, 2025
Top Recs from @mouse
5d ago
I used to be envious of people who had “MySpace friends” or “tumblr friends”. Now I have PI.FYI friends. Thank you capyboppy for your lovely letter and this illustration of a capybara and a mouse with fruit on our heads, it made me weirdly emotional ❤️
Jun 11, 2024
Apr 5, 2024