I healed a lot of attachment issues and it is a lot of work you need to do, coupled with the healing that can only be done through relationship.
First and foremost, our attachment issues always start with our parents. Sorry about it. You are going to have to go into the pain of not getting what you needed in childhood. Even the best parents with the best intentions donât always get it right.
Once you not only understand where it comes from, but also free up some of the emotional space it is taking up, you can begin the process of becoming very aware of the thoughts and feelings that come up when you become fearful or avoidant. This is probably the heaviest part of the work. You are going to have to question all of your thoughts and feelings. Having a therapist you are working with can be really helpful in this process because they simply can provide an outside perspective.
Letâs say you have a wound from being cheated on in the past, and your partner is not texting you back right away and you start to spiral. first, you need to take some deep breaths and regulate yourself. Then you need to start questioning. Has this person given you a reason to not trust them? do you still have feelings you need to feel regarding the last time you were hurt? What is the fear? Are there actually things you need to discuss with your partner? The more you are able to question, the more discerning you can be on what is your intuition and what is your wounding. A personal story: I still have anxiety that comes up when my husband works late. It is both that I think he is dead, or that he could potentially be cheating on me. I know exactly where those fears come from (thanks dad!), and there is literally no reason to believe that they would be true. I literally imagine those thoughts as a younger version of myself, and I visualize giving that part of me a lot of love. I am regulating myself by imagining me regulating with child me.
A big thing for me was going slowly in relationships and really becoming more aware of red flags. You are never going to find a perfect person, but there are things that will be an obvious issue for you. On the other hand, there are issues that can be resolved with communication. Us avoidant types donât want to be in that process, but that process is important. Unfortunately, the only way that you can learn to be trusting in relationships by practicing being trusting in relationships.
TLDR: focus on healing and exploring with yourself first, then slowly work to be in relationship.
Jul 9, 2024
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Not to add fuel to anyoneâs avoidant attachment, cuz human connection can be the most rewarding experience and I have some incredible people in my life, but being in any kind of unhealthy/mismatched relationship is the most exhausting experience. It takes up far more of your mental energy than you even realize, especially if youâre someone who can lean anxiously attached and tries to ârepairâ these relationships â like me.
Sometimes you can work out differences with some honest communication, but sometimes it is far better to de-escalate or end things, recognizing that some people have different values or are in such a different place where a long-term connection just isnât possible â or at least possible, right now.
Be honest with yourself and each other when a relationship feels exhausting â romantic or platonic â and if youâre not certain what you need, take some space to clear your head and find your own inner voice again. It might be trying to tell you something if you take the time to listen.
May 28, 2025
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first and foremost, you definitely shouldnât stop talking about it, if thatâs what you want to do. if something is on your mind and you want to express it, i feel like the harmful thing to do would be to bottle it up! just keep talking about it as much as you feel you need to and i can guarantee you that, over time, itâll plague you less and less. eventually itâll just become another aspect of your life youâve successfully grown and learned from!
my advice re: getting back out there is to simply take it slow. be observant for any red flags that you think could be indicative of a larger issue. also, make your core values clear from day 1! if someone really wants to be in your life, theyâll make it clear that they hold similar values :)
also, be sure to set your boundaries. be honest about your past and let them know that youâre still healing from it. any genuinely empathetic human being will internalize what you shared with them and be understanding!
overall, iâd urge you to remember that most people are not like your ex; most people want to cultivate healthy and loving relationships! i canât imagine what youâve had to endure - but thankfully you get to go out there and meet the person who deserves your love !! itâs super exciting !! woo!!!!
best of luck âșïž
Apr 1, 2024
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i had to learn to let go of those exact questions as well.
although specific romantic situations weren't the main subject, therapy helped with reframing situations like this.
idk about you, but the why 'x' , should i 'y', how will i 'z' questions for me were often assuming some responsibility over what happened.
i think what i (and maybe you) needed to find out is why a fleeting connection upset me.
- did an interraction/ghosting make me feel insecure about my personality/looks?
- am i genuinely sad to be losing this person?
- am i missing the attention? (/did i think they were giving me something i can't [spoiler: you can] give myself?)
( +extra
why do i value their opinion [that i made up in my head because they never actually communicated it] of me more than my own?)
i believe most of these ghosting (-like) situations don't necessarily have as much depth. more than likely the ghoster hasn't made up an enormously morbid and horrendous picture of you in their head that made them uninterested.
i don't know if you met through a dating app but it's especially easy to lose connection on there.
there are some really cool and genuine people on there but very many humans like the rush of meeting someone new and once it's not giving them as much of the yummy brain chemicals they want the next thing. effort seems like a currency and unfortunately some run pretty low on those funds and periodicaly i do too (which is when i stop using the apps and save mine and others' time too).
and then of course there are personal reasons but anyway.
i try to look at brief connections like that as some warm up for someone really cool that's gonna come into my life and be grateful that it happened whatever way things turned out.
might be cool to write out some things that you are glad you experienced, things you learned about relationships and most importantly some things you learned about yourself!
i believe each person teaches something to you both about themselves and yourself, kinda like some sort of spiritual exchange
tldr:
- try not to assume responsibilty
- find out why it bothers you
- write down what you learned about yourself
Jul 21, 2024
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May 31, 2025
In Tarot, The Fool is the first card in the Major Arcana, which represents the life cycle. These cycles we are continuously going through in our lives, not just once. The final card of the Major Arcana is The World (which I have tattooed very large on my thigh), which signifies the completion of a cycle and natural ascension into the next. We are then thrust back into the Fool, with a bit more wisdom.
The Fool as an archetype is one of joy, curiosity, spontaneity, and trust. The Fool is pure of heart, knowing that the Universe has got their back. This innate trust allows The Fool to be playful, to take risks, and truly believe everything will work out. The more we go through life and experience loss, grief, heartache, trauma, the harder it becomes to embrace this energy. Iâve found that as healing goes on, just as itâs shown in tarot, we return to this natural state of being. We start off as The Fool when we are wee little babies, and if we are lucky can return there a few cycles at a time, with more wisdom gained each time. Â
The goal of The Fool is to have positive experiences, maybe for fun, maybe to grow. There is an acceptance with The Fool, a kind of âthis is what is, how can I make this work well for me?â Everything works out for The Fool because they donât know it canât. Anything we go through in life, we can use to grow. I personally believe we all could benefit embracing the archetypal energy of The Fool a bit more. The Fool doesnât stop to worry what other people will think! The Fool does not fret about what ifâs! The Fool is in the moment!
6d ago
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Humans have always danced. It is part of who we are, yet we have been conditioned to be self conscious, to think that we do not move our bodies good enough. Dancing is beyond judgement. Dancing is not a skill, it is our soul moving through our bodies, expressed in movement. Dancing is healing. Dancing is bodily autonomy. Dancing is FUN! Any feeling you are feeling can be moved through with dance yet even alone, you fear looking foolish. Kill the judge in your mind, shut the fuck up, and MOVE đ
Apr 24, 2025