Not to add fuel to anyone’s avoidant attachment, cuz human connection can be the most rewarding experience and I have some incredible people in my life, but being in any kind of unhealthy/mismatched relationship is the most exhausting experience. It takes up far more of your mental energy than you even realize, especially if you’re someone who can lean anxiously attached and tries to “repair” these relationships — like me.
Sometimes you can work out differences with some honest communication, but sometimes it is far better to de-escalate or end things, recognizing that some people have different values or are in such a different place where a long-term connection just isn’t possible — or at least possible, right now.
Be honest with yourself and each other when a relationship feels exhausting — romantic or platonic — and if you’re not certain what you need, take some space to clear your head and find your own inner voice again. It might be trying to tell you something if you take the time to listen.
May 28, 2025
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Letting go of relationships that cause more emotional stress than good. I don’t just mean romantic relationships either, I mean any relationship in your life. The ones where you're putting in all the effort to get none in return. The ones where the amount of love and respect you give them isn’t reciprocated. The ones where there are just fundamental differences in how you treat those you claim to love. The ones where their actions speak so much louder than what comes out of their mouth.
The hardest part is when you have those moments where you wonder if you really made the right decision, or if you threw away everything over something “trivial,” until it’s like a sign from the universe where you’re reminded that it’s for the better.
20h ago
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had times where me and the other person weren’t really in each other’s lives before dating so there wasn’t an existing shared community or anything to keep us in proximity to each other. kinda just follow those folks lightly on socials now but don’t really keep in touch. net zero not the worst.
had one time where the romantic relationship really didn’t work out, just lack of compatibility and not being what the other person needed, but the emotional connection and proximity/availability kept us both coming back to each other to maintain the relationship platonically. kind of resulted in a messy situation where boundaries were unclear and that just lead to more hurt and confusion than had we dealt with being apart and feeling alone in the moment and then come back together as friends after letting time pass. ultimately ended up cutting that person out of my life entirely after moving away and realizing in retrospect that I had allowed this person to violate a lot of my personal boundaries for the sake of feeling like I had someone I could confide in, and that they were taking advantage of me being a pushover to feel wanted/not alone.
all this to say, ask yourself: what is it that this person brings to your life outside of what comes exclusively from the romantic aspect of the relationship? if this person was simply available to you to spend time together, seek company from existing friends, or find a new community to be a part of. if this person was a close confidant and understood you in a way you felt seen by, maybe practice more vulnerability with your current friends/family/whoever and ask yourself what it is that makes you feel seen/appreciated in those relationships? seek that out! in the immediate aftermath of a breakup, it’s going to seem like there is no one else that can take the space that person is leaving. but that doesn’t have to be the case, and investing in the non-romantic relationships you already have can address the valid needs that you have and strengthen your existing connections. romantic love is important, but other forms of love are just as fulfilling and crucial to your thriving! maybe with time you will come to notice that this person had something you value nonromantically and hopefully y’all can find a new place for each other in your lives, and that can be very rewarding! or maybe you will realize this person met certain unaddressed needs in the moment that you can find in other relationships. don’t feel the need to keep em around if that’s the case.
Mar 12, 2024
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I healed a lot of attachment issues and it is a lot of work you need to do, coupled with the healing that can only be done through relationship.
First and foremost, our attachment issues always start with our parents. Sorry about it. You are going to have to go into the pain of not getting what you needed in childhood. Even the best parents with the best intentions don’t always get it right.
Once you not only understand where it comes from, but also free up some of the emotional space it is taking up, you can begin the process of becoming very aware of the thoughts and feelings that come up when you become fearful or avoidant. This is probably the heaviest part of the work. You are going to have to question all of your thoughts and feelings. Having a therapist you are working with can be really helpful in this process because they simply can provide an outside perspective.
Let’s say you have a wound from being cheated on in the past, and your partner is not texting you back right away and you start to spiral. first, you need to take some deep breaths and regulate yourself. Then you need to start questioning. Has this person given you a reason to not trust them? do you still have feelings you need to feel regarding the last time you were hurt? What is the fear? Are there actually things you need to discuss with your partner? The more you are able to question, the more discerning you can be on what is your intuition and what is your wounding. A personal story: I still have anxiety that comes up when my husband works late. It is both that I think he is dead, or that he could potentially be cheating on me. I know exactly where those fears come from (thanks dad!), and there is literally no reason to believe that they would be true. I literally imagine those thoughts as a younger version of myself, and I visualize giving that part of me a lot of love. I am regulating myself by imagining me regulating with child me.
A big thing for me was going slowly in relationships and really becoming more aware of red flags. You are never going to find a perfect person, but there are things that will be an obvious issue for you. On the other hand, there are issues that can be resolved with communication. Us avoidant types don’t want to be in that process, but that process is important. Unfortunately, the only way that you can learn to be trusting in relationships by practicing being trusting in relationships.
TLDR: focus on healing and exploring with yourself first, then slowly work to be in relationship.
Jul 9, 2024
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I’m not a parent and do not plan to be. Kids can wear me out fast with their high energy and noise level; it leaves me very over-stimulated. But it’s pretty extreme when people say they ”hate kids” and I often feel it’s a reflection of their childhood and beliefs around how kids “should be.” That they were expected to be quiet, obedient, and out of the way by their parents when they were little.
It’s fucking hard to be a kid. You’re dealing with a rapidly-changing body and underdeveloped brain, managed by flawed adults who are enforcing boundaries that you do not understand. It’s confusing and hard to manage your feelings and honestly just a lot.
People are impatient with kids when they‘re brand new to the world and figuring it all out, and this is a time kids need a friend the most. Children can also be teachers to adults with how they are less habituated to the world. They teach us how to be free and open-hearted and silly and imaginative.
A good practice is to be kinder and gentler with kids. If that feels difficult, start with gentleness toward your inner child. Maybe that’s the child in your life that needs your attention and kindness most.
Apr 16, 2025
May 6, 2025
I meant to post this yesterday. Absolutely beautiful morning for walk.
This morning is also beautiful but in a spring rain kind of way.
Mar 23, 2025