“Now I have to remember you for longer than I knew you”
“how do you process grief?” “by running from it until it finds me in the middle of a sunny street on a beautiful day.”
two headed calf poem
“i was a child my spine wasn’t developed enough to be your pillar”
“As a woman I have so much empathy for my mother, but as a daughter, I have so much anger..”
May 14, 2024
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my mom passed away last year, and today would have been her 54th birthday
so, i grabbed ice cream and i took it to the river. my mom and i used to get ice cream and eat it by the river a lot. my mom loved ice cream. chocolate ice cream. and she loved rivers. i also love rivers. they remind me of my mom.
grieving is hard. and it’s hard every single day. but taking moments like this — to do things that my mom and i loved to do together — reminds me of how grief is just love with nowhere to go.
today i’m basking in the love that my mom had for me, the love she had for ice cream, for rivers. and i’m sitting in how much i love her. a love that feels trapped inside me. buried. most days it feels like anger and despair and regret. but today i’m focusing on the love. how lucky i was to have a mom who made loving her so easy!
happy birthday, mom. i love you immensely
Feb 7, 2025
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This is a little long winded and personal. Please forgive me.
It's been exactly one year since my great aunt passed away - she was a pillar of the family, a very intelligent and witty woman whom we all loved. She used to cut out stories from the newspaper/ magazines and mail them to me while I lived away, and she had the most incredible handwriting I’ve ever seen. She was, to use one of her favorite things to call me, a “real mensch.”
Less than 48 hours after that, I got broken up with. We had been dating for almost two years. It was the healthiest relationship I had ever been in. Yet, we were laying in my teenage bedroom at my parents house, and she was crying. All I remember is thinking to myself “FIGHT for her you DUMB MOTHERFUCKER, you CAN’T lose another woman” - but I didn’t. I was scared. And just like that, the best year of my life came crashing down in spectacular fashion.
Two extremely hard hits at once.
I had to keep moving forward. I didn’t see any alternative. And as a result, I sank into what I can only describe as my own death spiral. Lots of cigs, lots of booze, lots of work, all to drown out the voices in my head telling me “maybe this isn’t a good idea.”
I didn’t allow myself to MOURN then. To feel sad, to feel loss, and to work it out constructively and communally. Now, a year later, I’m finally allowing myself to feel those emotions about both of those things. Finally crawling out of that death spiral. Mourning isn’t weakness, nor is grief.
Just…if you haven’t properly mourned something, anything, I recommend allowing yourself to. Keeping something like that inside, no matter how compartmentalized it may be, is a bad idea.
Mar 8, 2025
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I’ve lost distant family members, patients, friends, etc., but I’ve never lost someone so close to me. I cried over everything and nothing and wished to feel anything but emptiness and loss. I laughed over memories and smiled at the sunset over a lake. I flew to GA just to feel the emptiness in person. Yet…I can’t help but feel happiness for knowing her voice, her love, her joy, her kindness, her unrelenting stubbornness. For seeing where she made her mark and who/where she made it in. Grief is weird and I’ll never not feel that void, but I hope I can grow to live and be comfortable with it.
Feb 17, 2025
Top Recs from @navyblues
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Just so much fun, and nothing like u expect?? like i dont give a damn about tennis but my mind has been opened ty very much Luca. Love me a complex character(s) driven plot
a great double feature with past lives. mmm not really actually people lied.
May 14, 2024
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to be a woman is to perform. like hello?? ur so right.
May 14, 2024
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nothing wil ever compare 10/10. need it at least once a week i fear
May 14, 2024