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Think: driving them to the airport during rush hour, moving furniture on a summer day, (in my case, see photo) cutting away at their badly overgrown garden when you are not a gardening gal. Or painting their bedroom on a whim, replacing their windshield fluid, or wrangling their demon cat for a trip to the vet.
I read a Manrepeller article (RIP) years ago that talked about how helping friends with these tedious, unrewarding tasks is where the real work of friendship begins. You don’t get so see how they get frustrated over brunch, but you do when you’re both unsuccessfully dragging a couch around a staircase corner, and getting To bond and troubleshoot that frustration opens whole new doors for closeness. This wisdom has never led me astray! I almost always leave these kinds of labor-based hangouts feeling closer and more held in friendship!
I read a Manrepeller article (RIP) years ago that talked about how helping friends with these tedious, unrewarding tasks is where the real work of friendship begins. You don’t get so see how they get frustrated over brunch, but you do when you’re both unsuccessfully dragging a couch around a staircase corner, and getting To bond and troubleshoot that frustration opens whole new doors for closeness. This wisdom has never led me astray! I almost always leave these kinds of labor-based hangouts feeling closer and more held in friendship!
Apr 6, 2024
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Idk if you follow Haley nahman's newsletter (former MR writer) but she continues to write about this from time to time!! 100% agree
simonkey thank you!! I love Haley/Maybe baby! She might have even writen the article (???) Obsessed with her insights/writing style/ and recs!
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🫂every few years when some demented opinion piece starts circulating about not “inconveniencing” your friends, i feel sorry for people who subscribe to it. i love helping my friends move, fix things, figure things out together! and i am learning to love asking for the same help. we can reduce each other’s suffering ♥
Feb 1, 2025
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đź‘”Being around great friends allows us to be our *truest selves*, which unlocks inspiration.
I love giving feedback to my best friend on his projects, it means so much.
I love giving feedback to my best friend on his projects, it means so much.
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❤️This piece really spoke to me, and as recently as 2 weeks ago. My bestie (other friends) and I are just in very different phases of life. She had been busy raising a family and I had far more time on my hands. I had understood, of cos. But still I resented that I had 'lost' a cherished long time friend, I knew in my head, that it's entirely legit that she is busy. And she had felt she had nothing to contribute to our friendship since her stories are all about babies and kids. But after looking around for substitutes and other activities - actually found no one/anything that has any semblance of what we had. So I decided to just call her and just made that reconnection again. I had accepted that 10 mins of her time daily far outweighs 10 hours of someone I don't connect with or have no fond history with.
This doesn't just apply to friendships I realise. Because building and maintaining relationships takes actual work. I mean you both have to want to. And you have to have tradeoffs. You can't be rigid, and you can't get all your needs met... But what I learned, is this agreement to still call and leave messages, text back and forth. We had to try different modes and different ways. Previously I also got really upset when I finally got hold of the person, and start off with angry accusations. This too didn't work, because he would get pissed because I was pissed. We still don't have it pat-down (friends/relationships) but my changed perspective did help, especially for me.
https://www.wsj.com/lifestyle/relationships/friendship-maintaining-healthy-relationships-text-calls-memes-5e66e221?st=2jl247gjqb814wr&reflink=desktopwebshare_permalink&utm_source=substack&utm_medium=email
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🍝There is no “wrong” time to enjoy bangin’ pasta🤷🏽‍♀️
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❤️My heart goes out to you and your family, this kind of this is never easy and is generally pretty fucking terrible all around. I lost my mom in 2018 after a pretty prolonged and slow to cease battle with cancer.
When she was in end-of-life care something small that helped her feel a bit better was trying to make the space as homey as possible. Lots of pictures, her favorite blanket, and a friend of hers even brought some large stuffed animals that lived on her bed. It was something small that helped in the immediate moment.
I also echo everyone here saying to prepare for the grief but also prepare to sit with it for longer than you think you’ll need. I was only home for about a week after she passed before going back to school across the country, and not having my family/hometown network to grieve with really stunted and prolonged my healing process.
Also a bit bleak, but my mom and I were able to have a sort of ”closing” convo where we said goodbyes, and she told me her wishes for me, etc. if you’re able, it was a really powerful conversation to have and something I hold close when I’m having a particularly hard grief day (which still happen 6 years out! All part of the process)💛
When she was in end-of-life care something small that helped her feel a bit better was trying to make the space as homey as possible. Lots of pictures, her favorite blanket, and a friend of hers even brought some large stuffed animals that lived on her bed. It was something small that helped in the immediate moment.
I also echo everyone here saying to prepare for the grief but also prepare to sit with it for longer than you think you’ll need. I was only home for about a week after she passed before going back to school across the country, and not having my family/hometown network to grieve with really stunted and prolonged my healing process.
Also a bit bleak, but my mom and I were able to have a sort of ”closing” convo where we said goodbyes, and she told me her wishes for me, etc. if you’re able, it was a really powerful conversation to have and something I hold close when I’m having a particularly hard grief day (which still happen 6 years out! All part of the process)💛
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👂People have the craziest convos on a train (I’m thinking Amtrak, Eurostar, etc) , especially the solo travelers who chat up the people sitting next to them. The last few times I’ve taken my headphones off on a train and tuned into the convos around me I learned and giggled a lot. Would highly recommend!