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My old friends Ryan and Evan introduced me to the idea of a “friendship initiation ceremony” in high school. Theirs was honestly really fun for me, but I’m not gonna be uncool and say what it was. My own initiations (punishments? lol) were vigils where I’d park my car in a quiet and dark spot and play this album front to back and cry. With the song “Rapture” tears were unavoidable. If someone could sit through the trial of my quiet sobs 1-on-1 then I was certain our bond was strong. I did that ritual four times.
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I think I've bawled my eyes out to every track at this point for different reasons. not even exaggerating. once you think you're done with it you get hit with a brand new emotion and find new symbolism in the lyrics. and another painful feeling to unfurl and free yourself from. if I could get everyone to listen to an album this would be my pick
Apr 16, 2025
My friend, who is a painter, asked me how I would like to be painted. He's doing portraits of all his closest friends and out of curiosity he asked me if I ever imagined what my portrait would look like. I told him I didn't know, because I honestly didn't. But I started thinking about it immediately. I told him that I wouldn't want my face to be seen fully because I feel like I hide behind my face/appearance. And that I see a lot of red. He told me that his vision of me is completely different. He said that he sees a velvet green background (green is my favorite color btw) and a lotta wispy lines, kind of like smoke from incense. He said he sees my whole face. "No hiding," in his words. He kept on telling me things that completely clash with how I see myself. Through his eyes I am so beautiful and it breaks my heart how I can't fully relate to it. My friends teach me love everyday. The more love I feel, give and receive, I mourn all the time I spent in the dark.
Anywaaaaay, I feel like this song/performance really fits the vibe? I opened it immediately after that conversation and I started bawling even harder lol. Rachel Chinouriri truly holds my heart when I feel weak. She's probably the reason I feel weak in the first place cuz honestly she does something to me every time I listen to her.
May 22, 2025
i value repetition & loudness (volume & atmosphere) for my meltdown music . both of these songs (by julian casablancas & the voidz + sufjan stevens) have almost meditative flows that you can tap into especially when listening loud & on repeat , building until they are all encompassing .
the heavy distorted riff in sadness & the mantra of i want to be well (i‘m not fucking around!) have been steady accompaniments to many of my meltdowns , spiritual & otherwise .
tbt to scream/crying i want to be well in the car on calgary highways 🤘🥲
Aug 18, 2024
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I love entering through the department stores. I love the metallic smell of the fountains, and estimating the amount of change thrown there. I love the manicured displays and the wigs they put on the mannequins. I love Orange Julius. I love washing my hands in the sink at Bath and Body Works. I love having a place to walk indoors when it’s raining, and this was a crucial feature during the years I lived in Boston. The Prudential Center is open 24/7, and I loved wandering around it in the middle of the night.
Dec 8, 2022
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Over the last couple of years I became super addicted to the coziness of “Sword and Sorcery” fantasy movies. My favorites are the ones made circa the 80’s: Red Sonja, Apple, The Last Unicorn, Masters of the Universe, and Beastmaster; which is simply my favorite of the genre. In a broader sense, these movies share the kind of sentiment I love to feel when watching B-movies: sloppy execution cannot destroy the charisma embedded in a labor of love.
Dec 8, 2022
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I’m a librarian at heart. I cherish the collection of images I’ve built and organized over years of dissecting the printed material that’s fallen into my hands. The kinds of revelations and surprises that occur when juxtaposing new combinations keeps my writing process fresh and amusing. If collaging is like assembling a puzzle, then maybe the collage is only finished when the composition reflects some kind of inner clarity… hmm
Dec 8, 2022