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💋

God this is A terrible story

I was very unapproachable and emitted a foul hostile energy that repelled any boys with good sense in high school who may have otherwise been attracted to me. But there was one boy, S., who really liked me (my mother told me recently: ‘I could tell that boy had no self-respect for dating you‘ LOL and she’s so right). I loathed him and found him to be so profoundly irritating and utterly lacking in refinement or taste but he tried his best to win me over by constantly assaulting me with his boisterous and animated presence. Unfortunately, I was on the court for my cousin’s quinceanera and needed a date, so I finally bit, having no other options and needing to RSVP several months in advance of the date of the event with the name of my ‘escort.’ We started dating before then because why not. My friends threw a surprise birthday party for me at my neighborhood park and after singing happy birthday to me, they all started chanting at me in unison to kiss S., so we went behind a tree for privacy and complied. All I really remember is that his mouth tasted like a burger exactly like the Wet Hot American Summer quote. This lanky string bean of a young man legitimately only ate pizza and hamburgers and only drank Dr. Pepper (I recently heard that he had come down with gout and I can see why). He had a giant collection of dirty Converse shoes, which he kept in a pile and wore to the exclusion of all other footwear, and he called them Chucks. He would write me love letters and I would correct the grammar and syntax in red pen and return them to him. He would talk about the children we were going to have someday and tell me that the song “Maybe I'm Amazed” by Paul McCartney made him think of me; I would tell him that I don’t think teenagers can experience real love. I convinced him to grow a beard to hide his off-putting pointy chin that made him look exactly like the tragedy and comedy masks ‘because it just looks so much better’ which he has not shaved since. 🎭 He ended up having an emotional affair with a pizza delivery girl from Oregon who was probably a catfish on the forums for the television show Psych (which he was obsessed with), which hurt my ego more than anything. After the breakup I burned all of the drawings and handmade gifts he had given me in a barbecue grill. I hope he’s found a sweet simpleton who treats him well and gives him what he needs. That’s the story of my evil past and the boy who gave me my first kiss.

@taterhole

Oct 16, 2024

💌

LOVER BOY

This is the photo that I stare at longingly as we talk on the phone. I miss him terribly right now. We met outside of a funny little bar (Avant-Garde in Ottawa) during a break in sets where everyone was smoking outside. I actually came to see his friend’s band but he and his friends were absolutely tearing up the dance floor. I decided to go up and talk to the cute ginger boy (lover boy, Cam) and the goofy guy from the band (Noah) and they told me about a DJ set Noah was doing the next Friday. Cam never got my number so I had to go, obviously. He finally got my instagram (make better choices, ask for their number) that night and I dmed him and asked what he was doing the next day - he was going to read on his balcony. I’d learn later that this man is a very avid reader (love). I asked to join and that was our first date! He’s the first person to ever cook for me, and he even set me up on a chair and with a baguette with olive oil and balsamic vinegar. We dated for the rest of the summer, about two months, then I went back to school in a different city and we parted ways. He thought we’d never talk again but I hit him up whenever I came back to town and even asked if he’d like to spend a couple of days cooped up when I was back on winter break. He said yes and we drank wine and watched good movies and ate grapefruits. That weekend together brought us really close. I wasn’t in Ottawa the next summer but I did spend two weeks completely alone in Kakabeka Falls between forestry contracts in Northern Ontario. Those weeks I called him most days for hours despite us not having really talked in months. Then I came back to Ottawa for an internship this September. I’ve always been really weird about relationships, so I told him I just wanted to be friends. So we were, but also we would *platonically* share the twin bed I had at the time when it was late and I didn’t want him to spend exorbitant amounts of money getting home. He actually told me he wanted to be with me in October, but I was scared and said he wasn’t what I wanted. We stayed friends. December 21st I wanted to go see my favourite local band (Baby Richman) back at Avant-Garde. They have a super psychadelic sound and one of my roommates gave me shrooms to take. I was supposed to go with my other roommate, but she cancelled last minute. Not wanting to lightly trip alone in public, I invited Cam. The night was great, but when the music ended I didn’t want to stay out. I wanted to lie in my soft bed, feel my soft cotton pyjamas, and look up at my twinkly lights. Lying on my bed with Cam, we talked for hours. I cried at how beautifully he described his family’s Christmas traditions. That night I realized just how much I want to be an integral part of his life. We were a year and a half in the making. He is wonderful. He’s funny, incredibly smart, and inspires me to improve every day. He also always stuck around, despite many efforts to push something so good away. I am so lucky to be reunited with him in July.

@persimmons

May 26, 2025

👖

Simply wore a white button down and jeans

I should preface this with saying that when I first met him I thought he was hot, but I was dating his roommate so it was off the table. And I did not really think of him in any way other than a friend for a long time Until one day we were sitting in a circle with friends, he was across from me, wearing a white button down tucked into some jeans, chatting with our friend, and I found myself thinking I needed to go be on his lap. Then sort of freaked out internally, and thus began months of moments like this coming up and me squashing them down until eventually I couldn’t ignore the fact that I liked him and now we are married.

@mossyelfie

Jul 14, 2024

Top Recs from @alice-longyu

👙

Agent Provocateur

My favorite lingerie brand turned into my favorite brand period at this point. I wear their clothes/lingerie for my shows, to go out for lunches with my girlfriends, to shoot for my press photos. I am a loyal customer, I am on their website 4 times per week, I even made a song inspired by how this brand made me feel. I imagined myself being a dom call girl who rides a motorcycle to my appointments at Chateau Marmont, CHIC.

@alice-longyu

Jan 12, 2023

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Amazon dildo

I got my first sex toy off Bezos’ Amazon during COVID. My life has changed so much since then. I like it I love it it makes me feel so hot.

@alice-longyu

Jan 12, 2023

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STD test @ LGBTQ center:

It’s free and my gays are the best. The world needs to give LGBTQs like me proper money and opportunity. They need to recognize white boys club’s scheme, replace them with me, and blow me up cuz I am actually the best.

@alice-longyu

Jan 12, 2023