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can't necessarily categorize this as a rec or an anti just more so an observation. whole year felt like I was walking around with my bones on backwards and my brain set loose in my skull. overall was a year that challenged my understanding of what it meant to be a human existing in these time. really awakened me to my own sensibilities and shortcomings and how they were in direct correlation to past traumas and the active suffering i was facing. strange, painful, and somewhat cringy time in my life but i'm very grateful for the growth that it encouraged. i bring all of this up to share this piece of prose I found that I never fully fleshed out and oh my. what was truly going on?!? (ignore the abhorrent grammatical errors and lack of pacing lmao a hoe was clearly going through it on more than one account)
Jul 1, 2025
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working from what may seem like very surface level cliches but stay w me here
((tldr: why not just believe that its all working out for the better, even if thats not what you planned? also, empathy and objectivity are a solid duo that id like to see in combination more frequently.))
putting this at the top because this is a dissertation, at best; psychosis, at the other end of the pendulum.
sooooooo the fact that u have no control over life liek At All. has been a consistently terrifying concept for FOREVER as a shorty who is Clinically a control freak, but realizing that the unpredictable essence that makes all of this shit unnerving is the very thing that can take the weight of life off of your shoulders has been pretty revolutionary.
im still digesting/integrating it one bite at a time, for sure, so call me a hypocrite ESPECIALLY if you know me personally. when in clarity, though, its been so pleasant to realize that since Nothing truly matters that much since nothing is set in stone anyway- w regard to action, approach, fulfilling temporary expectations of yourself, whether or not you reach short term goals, etc.- living life completely and utterly for yourself and whatever that means to you at any given moment will likely ultimately be the plan that brings you most fulfillment, when all is said and done.
whether that means taking the risk and changing your major, taking that freaky elective bc it sounds cool, moving in w some randos in a townhouse, quitting your job and starting something new- maybe it winds up being an epic fail, who knows? as long as youre setting goals that align with an ultimate sense of who you are and what youre looking to get out of life, which i presume can be solidified further by pursuing said experiences just for the sake of it? right? helps u figure out what u actually want? and as long as you keep bareback essential priorities straight (financial and emotional stability come to mind), then theres no reason for impermanence to work against you.
this also counts for people, as well. i feel like we hold others to critical standards, as we should, but contemporarily tend to neglect the fact that people DO change. morals/how you view the world are impacted by experience, and we are all fruits of very very different trees. completely dependent on circumstance, of course, empathy/understanding/consequential second chances are side-swept under the premise of respect/accountability. accountability is CRUCIAL, but i feel like so many of us (myself included) take that to heart and forget that figuring out how someone got to some place is a key aspect of understanding whether or not their position was truly from a place of lack of respect? if that makes any sense??
i also have been thinking about this a lot: my best friend throughout middle school and i fell out the summer before sophomore year over…nothing? idk, 3 years of seeing each other every single day (neighbors) to no contact until senior of high school- still weren’t talking regularly or anything though.
2 years ago, she turned 20. i posted an old photo of us because, despite everything, 20’s a big one.
this year, we’ve spent late nights on facetime, drove to watch the sunrise after hours of catching up on god knows what on the hill where we would listen to music while her mom cooked dinner, and she’s been my go to for any necessary bitching/ranting during whats been the worst year my mental health has ever seen??
time is your friend, if you let it be. connections arent a race in any dynamic, and it’s never over if it’s truly meant to happen.
let life change. i think.
Dec 5, 2024
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I left for a while to go on a study abroad experience. The more time passes after The Thing, the less life makes sense. I'm trying to get back to the people I used to know, to get back into the routine I had, the things I used to think.
But somehow EVERYTHING about and around me is different and I don't understand ANYTHING. My body is different, my time isn't the same and somehow even my thought process has changed.
I came back home expecting familiarity and warmth, and surprise, the world has obviously moved on (as I did) and nothing is the same, except all that is. Maybe not understanding everything I thought I had already integrated is part of growing up, I feel as if I'm shedding old skin to make room for new one, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm scared, confused, and generally don't really get the concept of time passing.
I never used to get when people said they wanted the world to stop for a second, because that wasn't me, I wanted more, faster, more, all of it. Now I get it. Let me lay here for a moment and not think about anything.
☆lookaliveodette!!!!!!☆
Feb 26, 2025
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-> is a quote from my journal that i wrote in a few long months ago. like with what i write, ever, i always expect whatever thoughts and feelings i express to amount to none or be something i cringe at. i don't want that to happen anymore, no matter how seen this account is.
-> i'll often confuse myself as to what being different means, because with black and white thinking it really is like turning an on and off switch. the changes come how i wanted them to be, and everything else different in me gets swept aside or doesn't change at all.
-> deep down, i know change needs to happen. in that same journal, i'd write off-hand phrases of "maybe some on-spirit growth can happen i don't know". i'd sweep my wishes away because they felt too grand for me to deserve or act upon.
-> right now, i'm good at acknowledging my issues and admitting to them, even if its to myself. i'm at a standstill of what to do about them, but i'm hoping to start thinking of it as practice. as a rehearsal, that being better is muscle memory. there's no switch to it and i guess i need to concurrently shape whatever i do.
-> but that's it, for something that i feel like would bring grand change to everything and everyone around me, it feels too little for such a large result. do these things really add up in scale? am i communicating this in legible words this time?
Jan 19, 2025
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i will not be weary of my potential to make my dreams a reality.
i will just do until i find myself on the other side, in the life i've envisioned.
11h ago
being a lil freak (but with an ever evolving moral compass and a strong compassion towards humanity)
let that thang fly (respectfully)
Jun 28, 2025
