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i felt aimless very often. my days had no direction, and i had no goals of any sort, and it led to me feeling miserable. for the last four summers iāve been in a haze ā on time i hadnāt earned, doing nothing that meant anything.
then, on a random tuesday, while scrolling through youtube, i heard a racing game youtuber say this:
āyou might be wondering why iām so emotional over a silly racing game, but for me? this is my outlet to experience mastery.ā
at first, yeah, i thought it was a little silly. crying over a video game world record?
then i thought about olympic runners who do the same. whatās the difference?
that quote didnāt just show me how miserable i was ā it showed me how poorly i viewed the world. i had no drive, and iād belittle others for theirs.
from tuna packers in factories whoāve perfected their technique, to olympic runners whoāve trained for decades just to shave off milliseconds ā mastery is something we all need to experience. itās the essence of being human. and i finally realized that.
itās why i joined track and cross country.
itās why i started writing.
itās why iāve started studying, even outside of class.
i found my outlets ā and iām no longer lost in my brainās fog, because now there are so many bright, beaming lighthouses in my vision that it hurts my sight, but it drives me forward, and i love the pain it gives me.
so whether your outlet to experience mastery is tetris, fan fiction, drawing, or whatever else you might do, enjoy it as much as you can. build your own little worlds and learn to flourish in them, not for others but for yourself.
Jun 24, 2025
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Iām not going to call this gifted kid burnout which I think is often just a symptom of the popping of the bubble of peopleās confused delusions of grandeur because they didnāt realize that gifted education programs are at best a way of giving specialized and individualized education, and at worst a way of achieving legal segregation in schools.
Not to brag, but my therapist who specialized in EMDR therapy for treating people with trauma told me that I had the most difficult childhood of anyone she had ever treated. It was also filled with beauty and I was encouraged in my many skills and pursuits early on, but the inner rot of compounded repeated traumas, keeping secrets, and hiding my suffering eventually took hold.
I was always a good student but as things at home intensified I cared less and less. A teacher noticed this and tried to take advantage of my vulnerable state. This made matters more complicated for me because still to this day heās my favorite teacher that I ever had; he taught me much of what I know about writing and helped me to develop my skills.
After that, I spent my time in school just coasting along, putting in the minimal amount of effort to no fail. I had no goals or ambition. After graduation, I flitted from service job to service job. I started seeing my therapist and thinking about what I actually wanted to do.
I realized I had one exceptional skill which could be monetized to my advantage and I threw myself into it, grinding to make a living and improve my station in life. This worked and I live in decent material comfort, but Iāve realized the lifestyle I always thought I wanted isnāt what I want at all, so Iām reevaluating that and beginning to explore what that looks like.
There are several different exciting paths of progression my career could take, but Iām also finally working on creative projects for the first time in about a decade, so Iām going to see where life takes me. My best friend tells me I should become certified as a yoga teacher, and going back to school to study psychology and become a therapist would also be tight. I would love to seek a second career.
It took me a long time to get here but Iām trying to actualize and find purposeā¦ Something something Maslowās hierarchy of needs.
May 26, 2024
i forgot my headphones at home. i was about to either
1) pump black country new road
2) watch brooklyn 99.
i miss being passionate about things, not being able to sleep, eat, speak,
or fathom anything beyond the apple
of my eye and the fruit of my thoughts.
i miss waking up with one thing in mind, how i would explore it that day, and how i would explore it the next
itās been people
itās been sewing
guitar
driving
religion
philosophy
photography
writing
filming
blogging
i think, regardless of any tik tok data explosion with the intention of ripping out each of my brain cells to keep me submissive and docile because of a wrecked attention span, iām not a girl of her commitments- i get bored.
and i am bored. i feel this lack of passion so deeply in my body, its been a catalyst for the recent crashouts ive had ( and thereās been plenty) i donāt know how to stay, and work hard, and allow myself to grow to what i want to be right in this instance. not to shine my own shoes, but iām not super used to being bad at things. iāve always always always coasted, and now that im trying to be a gaf (give a fuck) filled girl, ive realized, sucking at something hurts a lot more when youāve put in the work to be good at it.
if it wasnāt me writing this, and my best friend called me and told me this word for word, i would tell her how normal that feeling was, and that she herself knew what to do; commit. and that is my advice, dear sweet amalia, commit, commit, commit.
Feb 18, 2025
In this day and age of societal teenage-like anguish and ācoreā frenzies, I have a confession : Locking in is a social construct i will never partake in, if only because thereās never been anything wrong with a little bit of silliness.
ā¦So I want everything to be fun and a good time and somedays i feel like the world is a tilted stage on which iām asked to dance. And if then I cry and cry and whine and I take a day off to journal about it? Sue me!
Lately I came to the realisation that I come from generations and generations of fucking losers who took a long time to figure out what they wanted in life and then weren't all that good at pursuing it. Iām not saying that I want to be lazy about my goals and aspirations ā by familial standards iām actually quite far advanced in this regard, but I will say loud and proud that Iām more than okay with a speck of emotional turmoil and doubt, if it means I can get a day off crying in my room and writing about it while sipping a glass of shitty red wine.
āThatās how good art starts anyway.
Apr 16, 2025
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Jun 22, 2025
im a freak when it comes to planning stuff out, and basically my entire day/week is written down, so a hobonichi weekly planner is like number one on my wishlist.
theyāre very fun to journal with, and decorate with stickers, highlights, and whatnot, along with being super handy for scheduling.
(not my picture!)
Jun 22, 2025
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this may seem silly but itās very important. my knees and joints are wrecked cuz i didnāt do any of these things, so donāt be like me.
first off, whether youāre sitting in a chair or on a bed the most important thing is posture! check you arenāt slouching regularly, and if your seating arrangement doesnāt have back support, use pillows!!! especially for lumbar support, pillows are the best.
second, be aware of your legs! if youāre in a chair, the best way to sit is with your feet planted flat on the ground (or a foot rest if you donāt reach). if sitting on a bed, extend your legs forward and put a pillow under your knees. criss cross is fine too, but not for extended periods!
and finally, just some general advice, stretch everyday!!!!!! even if just for 5 minutes a day, it will make a monumental difference.
i hope this helped :D
Jun 23, 2025