Rec
⚙️
tonight i went to a wine tasting w my new roommate and then to an organizing meeting with new neighbor and then to a house party with her where i knew absolutely nobody... basically there were so many moments of meeting and interacting with new people that were sometimes awkward but mostly lovely and definitely full of friction. in my past, i would have severely avoided this lineup of events at all costs. however, now i’m in bed feeling so high and buzzy!!!! and i’m like? kk key to life?
i wouldn’t say i’m NOT gonna reflect of some of the interactions i had in the morning with a little wince but SUCH IS LIFE!!!!
it’s the same feeling that comes from reading a difficult book, or finishing a challenging hike. when the frictionless path is staying in bed on phone it’s like damn girl get up…friction is GOOD for THE SOUL (as is chicken soup)….…
i wouldn’t say i’m NOT gonna reflect of some of the interactions i had in the morning with a little wince but SUCH IS LIFE!!!!
it’s the same feeling that comes from reading a difficult book, or finishing a challenging hike. when the frictionless path is staying in bed on phone it’s like damn girl get up…friction is GOOD for THE SOUL (as is chicken soup)….…
Jun 21, 2025
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thanks for putting words to this! I always feel a little self ick when I think about the things I said at the function but gotta get past it bc no one cares and overall good to feel human things like that
Jun 21, 2025
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🍂working from what may seem like very surface level cliches but stay w me here
((tldr: why not just believe that its all working out for the better, even if thats not what you planned? also, empathy and objectivity are a solid duo that id like to see in combination more frequently.))
putting this at the top because this is a dissertation, at best; psychosis, at the other end of the pendulum.
sooooooo the fact that u have no control over life liek At All. has been a consistently terrifying concept for FOREVER as a shorty who is Clinically a control freak, but realizing that the unpredictable essence that makes all of this shit unnerving is the very thing that can take the weight of life off of your shoulders has been pretty revolutionary.
im still digesting/integrating it one bite at a time, for sure, so call me a hypocrite ESPECIALLY if you know me personally. when in clarity, though, its been so pleasant to realize that since Nothing truly matters that much since nothing is set in stone anyway- w regard to action, approach, fulfilling temporary expectations of yourself, whether or not you reach short term goals, etc.- living life completely and utterly for yourself and whatever that means to you at any given moment will likely ultimately be the plan that brings you most fulfillment, when all is said and done.
whether that means taking the risk and changing your major, taking that freaky elective bc it sounds cool, moving in w some randos in a townhouse, quitting your job and starting something new- maybe it winds up being an epic fail, who knows? as long as youre setting goals that align with an ultimate sense of who you are and what youre looking to get out of life, which i presume can be solidified further by pursuing said experiences just for the sake of it? right? helps u figure out what u actually want? and as long as you keep bareback essential priorities straight (financial and emotional stability come to mind), then theres no reason for impermanence to work against you.
this also counts for people, as well. i feel like we hold others to critical standards, as we should, but contemporarily tend to neglect the fact that people DO change. morals/how you view the world are impacted by experience, and we are all fruits of very very different trees. completely dependent on circumstance, of course, empathy/understanding/consequential second chances are side-swept under the premise of respect/accountability. accountability is CRUCIAL, but i feel like so many of us (myself included) take that to heart and forget that figuring out how someone got to some place is a key aspect of understanding whether or not their position was truly from a place of lack of respect? if that makes any sense??
i also have been thinking about this a lot: my best friend throughout middle school and i fell out the summer before sophomore year over…nothing? idk, 3 years of seeing each other every single day (neighbors) to no contact until senior of high school- still weren’t talking regularly or anything though.
2 years ago, she turned 20. i posted an old photo of us because, despite everything, 20’s a big one. this year, we’ve spent late nights on facetime, drove to watch the sunrise after hours of catching up on god knows what on the hill where we would listen to music while her mom cooked dinner, and she’s been my go to for any necessary bitching/ranting during whats been the worst year my mental health has ever seen?? time is your friend, if you let it be. connections arent a race in any dynamic, and it’s never over if it’s truly meant to happen.
let life change. i think.
((tldr: why not just believe that its all working out for the better, even if thats not what you planned? also, empathy and objectivity are a solid duo that id like to see in combination more frequently.))
putting this at the top because this is a dissertation, at best; psychosis, at the other end of the pendulum.
sooooooo the fact that u have no control over life liek At All. has been a consistently terrifying concept for FOREVER as a shorty who is Clinically a control freak, but realizing that the unpredictable essence that makes all of this shit unnerving is the very thing that can take the weight of life off of your shoulders has been pretty revolutionary.
im still digesting/integrating it one bite at a time, for sure, so call me a hypocrite ESPECIALLY if you know me personally. when in clarity, though, its been so pleasant to realize that since Nothing truly matters that much since nothing is set in stone anyway- w regard to action, approach, fulfilling temporary expectations of yourself, whether or not you reach short term goals, etc.- living life completely and utterly for yourself and whatever that means to you at any given moment will likely ultimately be the plan that brings you most fulfillment, when all is said and done.
whether that means taking the risk and changing your major, taking that freaky elective bc it sounds cool, moving in w some randos in a townhouse, quitting your job and starting something new- maybe it winds up being an epic fail, who knows? as long as youre setting goals that align with an ultimate sense of who you are and what youre looking to get out of life, which i presume can be solidified further by pursuing said experiences just for the sake of it? right? helps u figure out what u actually want? and as long as you keep bareback essential priorities straight (financial and emotional stability come to mind), then theres no reason for impermanence to work against you.
this also counts for people, as well. i feel like we hold others to critical standards, as we should, but contemporarily tend to neglect the fact that people DO change. morals/how you view the world are impacted by experience, and we are all fruits of very very different trees. completely dependent on circumstance, of course, empathy/understanding/consequential second chances are side-swept under the premise of respect/accountability. accountability is CRUCIAL, but i feel like so many of us (myself included) take that to heart and forget that figuring out how someone got to some place is a key aspect of understanding whether or not their position was truly from a place of lack of respect? if that makes any sense??
i also have been thinking about this a lot: my best friend throughout middle school and i fell out the summer before sophomore year over…nothing? idk, 3 years of seeing each other every single day (neighbors) to no contact until senior of high school- still weren’t talking regularly or anything though.
2 years ago, she turned 20. i posted an old photo of us because, despite everything, 20’s a big one. this year, we’ve spent late nights on facetime, drove to watch the sunrise after hours of catching up on god knows what on the hill where we would listen to music while her mom cooked dinner, and she’s been my go to for any necessary bitching/ranting during whats been the worst year my mental health has ever seen?? time is your friend, if you let it be. connections arent a race in any dynamic, and it’s never over if it’s truly meant to happen.
let life change. i think.
Rec
had a day off today and was tempted to lay in bed but something called me to go hiking instead. i forgot to bring my journal so i am going to recap the day right here. i didn’t ask anyone to come with me. brought some meal prep chicken tacos and a bag of cherries and climbed 1500 feet to my picnic spot. gorgeous panoramic views of central oregon spread out around me. i thought about where i came from as i passed dads and their begrudging kids, and i wondered if i have what it takes to get where im going… a shirtless man running down the trail with Tool blasting from his phone stopped to accuse me of not calling my dad. when i finished i jumped in a busy lake and washed the dirt off. i have a minifridge and some boxes of silverware in my car so they made a racket as i drove down the mountain access road. im not sure we have free will and i was trying to wrap my head around the implications of that..
i got stuck in traffic after the famous Sisters rodeo this morning, i stopped at a gas station for onion chips and stood behind a 6’8” glass of water in a cowboy hat who looked like he may have been a disgruntled bullrider. i listened to Hank Williams and George Strait and remembered what I love about America and then a Johnny Cash song came on that my grandma used to like and i cried.
i picked up nicotine gum from my sisters house. they’re building a staircase outside. i spent 3 hours cooking. i set my alarm for 6:45. im thankful for inertia
i got stuck in traffic after the famous Sisters rodeo this morning, i stopped at a gas station for onion chips and stood behind a 6’8” glass of water in a cowboy hat who looked like he may have been a disgruntled bullrider. i listened to Hank Williams and George Strait and remembered what I love about America and then a Johnny Cash song came on that my grandma used to like and i cried.
i picked up nicotine gum from my sisters house. they’re building a staircase outside. i spent 3 hours cooking. i set my alarm for 6:45. im thankful for inertia
Jun 16, 2025
Rec
my life has felt like a shitty coming of age movie the past 3 days. i’ve realized, coming home, my blood is still my own, as are my tears and my cuticles. the quiet isn’t unnerving, and i am shaken by the greys, whites, and browns i was so eager to dismiss in light of yellows and blues. nothing, and i don’t mean the lack of something, i mean nothing, feels as though it has for once taken up enough space. looking out the window for three hours does not feel a reminder of what could be or what is, what time may instead be spent doing, but an activity in itself. i am still, better yet, i am fulfilled by my stillness. it is no longer an excuse for exhaustion or boredom, but an entirely new feeling in itself.
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(and please don’t tell me if samsung or google pixel have invented technology to do a better job of this. it wouldn’t sit right with me… like trying to sneakily undress a woman without her consent when she has explicitly stated she’d rather remain demurely clothed and mysterious)
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