đź’¬
- said to me by a random lady on the f train as i am on the way back from the first meeting of my summer internship that i feel severely under equipped for.
that made me think…. why do i always feel unqualified for good things? why can’t i also just smile and nod and take good things as they happen?
to that lady… i want you to realize your words meant so much to be at the absolute best time… and also happy 70th birthday beautiful
4d ago
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She is so right though nobody knows what the f they’re doing, they’re just better or worse at pretending
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i know this is kind of a polarizing compliment to receive for some people but it's my personal favorite. I'm chill with the "you look healthier", "you look beautiful", etc etc but being told i look happier actually makes my whole week. this might just be a commonality among people in remission from mental health disorders but it feels so affirming. i like to think that when I'm happy, i radiate it from my smile, my eyes, and my skin. when I'm actually having a good day i can feel my joy touch the people around me and i can see it everywhere i go. i love being told i look happier because i really did previously radiate despair and anxiety. your emotions are laid out plainly in your expressions, the way you move, and even in your eyes. i don't believe in the whole "aura" thing but i think that might be the only comparison that makes sense in this context. i battled with my mental health since i was a toddler. I've been in therapy for 9 years and have been in active, intensive recovery for 5. i was in and out of the hospital and treatment facilities through all 4 years of high school. I've been unhappy for most of my life and it reflected easily in the way i carried myself and even the people i surrounded myself with. i look at pictures of myself when i was in high school, at my very lowest, and i can see the grief in my own eyes. now that I'm in college and am in remission for borderline personality disorder, i have begun to forge my own hopes, dreams, and sense of identity. it's a feeling that can't really be compared to anything but freedom. and when i look at pictures of myself now, i can see the warmth and hope in my eyes and the joy in my smile. people have told me i glow, but I've also been told i look happier. i ran into one of my high school counselors a while back on my college campus because he was there for an alumni event. he smiled at me and told me i looked happier, and i gave him a smile back. there was a consensus there that we reached, and i felt like we both understood the massive weight that was lifted off of my shoulders when i heard that compliment. it's a mutual understanding that despite everything, and even though he has no idea exactly what I've done to get here, he can sense a great shift in me that speaks much louder than words. i hold every one of those compliments very, very close to my heart.
Apr 18, 2025
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5 years ago on the subway i complimented an old lady wearing a pin-covered jacket and an elf-like hat
She asked me which pin was my favourite & I pointed to one of animal from the muppets. She took it off, handed it to me, and walked away before I could thank her. It felt like I’d been given a good luck charm by some mystical being.
I mentioned the moment 2 years ago in a songwriting class, and turns out she was a regular at the TA’s place of work :’) I think about her very frequently
Feb 5, 2025
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My therapist, who is in her late 20s and is therefore no more than five years older than me, said “good girl” to me during our session yesterday, because I am better able to manage my anxiety.
I had no idea how to react, and instead of that causing me anxiety and confusion, I just laugh about how unexpected that was. My girlfriend also got a kick out of it lol.
So silly. Life is so unpredictable and awesome in that way.
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guys i need You all to hope with me right now
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