📝
blow my ashes and leave what good i've done
because we've both done bad things.
i'm just the only one who decided to end it all,
and now it's turning a year.
i want to be remembered by the good things i did,
but all i remember about you is the bad things,
the things i regret.
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🎭
and i made a song about you but it’s also about me and no one will ever hear it its called my thoughts and its not actually a song but the way music flies out of your mouth makes me want to say sweet nothings as i put my words with yours like a torn up half read book you keep by your bedside table that you tell yourself you’ll get around to. i play fast and loose with my actions around you, and maybe it’s too much even for me.
i try to distract with overconsumption of digital content thst just fucking overwhelmes me and gets in the way of anything getting done.
you’ll never read this by the way. but can i recite the pages of senseless amateur poetry i wrote about you?
i never really belong anywhere, and i camouflage into a current residence until i trick myself into thinking i truly know the people i’m around. it happened once, the effect that is. im not there anymore, and i hope those people don’t hate me like i hate myself for leaving. this isn’t about you, just me rehashing horrible guy-wrenching emotions of a past (if you can even call two years ago the past), and things i don’t talk about.
im the most observant person ever, and you wouldn’t expect it. i’m so sensitive, i pick up every little movement someone does and i overthink everything thst happens before and after a conversation, guilt racks me after any social gathering and i wonder if i said anything wrong.
but there’s so much to be grateful for life is so so beautiful im so lucky to be alive and have this device that i’m emotionally giving myself to and have given my life to. i love love, life, and people and i already made a long post about this im not reiterating. and i love how i can see you everyday and stand on the sidelines as your hype man in your game of love, ill hold the water bottle of my unrequited longing, ready to serve drops of my musings of you only to accidentally pour myself onto you.
Mar 26, 2025
😃
Such a shame
so much love lost to entropy
Who’s to blame
for the high cost of a memory?
What remains
when the tides wash our energy?
Recycled lust
must be just fine for us to glean
I can’t afford what I’ve left behind
I ruminate on love lost —
or rather dispersed
For I have so much to give you
But no mouth to find the words.
May 4, 2025
🍔
A long collection of poems to deal with the betrayal of trust from a supposed friend.
A gift to myself,
No rejoice,
No choice,
Decisions that have consequences,
Oh how I have come to know,
Oh how he did show,
I don't see him,
He left me high,
He left me dry,
Out of my life,
Hours of driving from me,
Hours of memories I don't want to see,
Fighting myself every moment,
Was I not good enough,
Was our familiarity too rough,
Expecting him to talk,
Yet he went away,
Yet here I stay,
Alone in my monolith,
Away from prying eyes,
A mask I wear to disguise,
Oh promises he made,
Ones he never kept,
Ones only true when I slept,
Silly dreams of mine,
Convincing me everything's ok,
Convincing nobody that he would stay,
A friendship or more,
I know not,
I feel distraught,
Feelings caught like snow,
Was it a psych,
Was my brain on strike,
Didn't see it coming,
How could I,
How I so wanted to say goodbye,
He is gone now,
Off with new people,
Off causing me internal upheaval,
Why was he capricious,
So quick to give friendship up,
So paradoxically enthused to converse and interrupt,
Sudden life changes upheaving,
Destroying my trust,
Destroying my friendship; scattered to dust,
Daily conversations no more,
Gone off with a new crowd,
Gone while I wondered aloud,
Wondering thoughts,
Wandering thoughts,
Too many thoughts,
Dangerous thoughts.
Yet I persist,
Despite it all,
To spite him if at all,
Yet messages I send,
Read by all my friends,
He reads them occasionally,
Knowing he is missing out,
My friends assist,
Helping each other no matter how small,
Noting the rise of our friend group and then its fall,
A path to healing around the bend,
Ignoring his pestering amends,
Knowing we could only see each other occasionally,
To combat our trust in his promises with our doubts,
He is gone now,
Do I even want to see him again,
Why didn't he trust me,
Not a word till the last minute,
Would he have even said anything,
Clearly not knowing what he was doing,
Leaving with scattered messy reasons,
Not one kept vow,
Not one mention of when,
Not one question answered clearly,
Yet despite not one visit,
There has been no emotion burying,
No emotional turmoil brewing,
I wish him the best among those legions,
If he was honest with himself,
It wouldn't have been pain of a million pinches,
Times reflecting when I could've helped on a whim,
Reflections that now cause me internal strife,
Making myself as my own opponent,
No longer having a buddy on my life's walk,
Not having someone I could hang with,
All about a boogeyman of a grade,
Now I must learn to be fine,
To prepare for what else is in store,
Recovering from the pain of his blow,
Marching along the path life keeps drumming,
And learning how to just say 'ciao,'
Growing more to spitefully not be suspicious,
To learn to care despite him leaving,
Hoping his decision was right; to join the corps,
Zane how I will miss you,
I certainly wish you the best too,
After it was clear you didn't trust me,
Thinking it over I now see,
I did everything I could,
Offering help like any friend should,
I trusted when you said you were good,
Blind sighted when I misunderstood,
I now can only protect myself feeling unsecured,
Taking two steps back from where I matured,
I can't let you back without healing what incurred,
Questioning the faith of words so absurd,
I believed promises so spurred,
Planning and promising when nothings insured,
I was hurt by the emptiness of your word,
When all that you said turned into lies and it finally occurred,
I trusted the words of just yet another impulsive nerd.
Jan 30, 2025
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