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Kind of applicable to this situation I think it’s really a matter of picking your battles. I love Rick Hanson’s Just One Thing newsletter and this was what came to my inbox from him today! Needed to hear this…
You know you’re quarreling when you find yourself getting irritated, especially with that sticky feeling that you’re just not gonna quit until you’ve won.
Quarrels happen both out in the open, between people, and inside the mind, like when you make a case in your head about another person or keep revisiting an argument to make your point more forcefully. We quarrel most with family and friends – imagine that! But also with people on TV, or politicians and groups we don’t like. We can even quarrel with conditions in life (such as an illness or tight money) or with physical objects, like a sticky drawer slammed shut in anger.
However they happen, quarrels are stressful, activating the ancient fight-or-flight machinery in your brain and body: a bit of this won’t harm you, but a regular diet of quarreling is not good for your long-term physical and mental health.
You know you’re quarreling when you find yourself getting irritated, especially with that sticky feeling that you’re just not gonna quit until you’ve won.
Quarrels happen both out in the open, between people, and inside the mind, like when you make a case in your head about another person or keep revisiting an argument to make your point more forcefully. We quarrel most with family and friends – imagine that! But also with people on TV, or politicians and groups we don’t like. We can even quarrel with conditions in life (such as an illness or tight money) or with physical objects, like a sticky drawer slammed shut in anger.
However they happen, quarrels are stressful, activating the ancient fight-or-flight machinery in your brain and body: a bit of this won’t harm you, but a regular diet of quarreling is not good for your long-term physical and mental health.
May 28, 2025
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this was helpful for me today
among other things, challenged me to consider if some of my quarrelsomeness at people/things in front of me today is in fact because I'm still tugging some threads of quarreling with people, things, and circumstances in my past
thank you!
May 29, 2025
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Oct 25, 2024
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😃maybe this is just an oldest sibling thing but growing up i always felt like i had to interfere and be the moderator for family fights, which i quickly found out was so bad for my mental health.. ultimately i don't think they want to be fighting either and they'll always find solutions on their own
u can't and shouldn't be able to control everything including whether or not your family is getting along... u also just cant stress yourself out over other peoples' beef.. got enough to worry about in ur own life
u can't and shouldn't be able to control everything including whether or not your family is getting along... u also just cant stress yourself out over other peoples' beef.. got enough to worry about in ur own life
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🔪Everyone deserves to acknowledge the things that hurt them and the fact that past traumas can make you anxious/make it more difficult to perform tasks that may seem easy for others. That however, does not mean you should go ahead and use those events as ammunition to excuse yourself from being a kind, respectful human being.
For instance, let's say you have roommates and they've kindly let you know several times that you need to clean up after yourself as the apartment is getting messy and it's a shared space. Despite them asking nicely, you accuse them of triggering you because being told to clean reminds you of the toxic relationship you had with your parents at home. All of a sudden they are now actively attacking your mental health and they have to either clean up after you since you refuse to do so or continue leaving the apartment a mess until you potentially change your mind. (I know this this might seem like an extreme example, but I've witnessed something very similar irl and there's far too many tiktoks of people mentioning similar experiences for me to think this is a singular experience.)
Now look, it is important to inform others of our limitations so that there's less friction as we navigate different environments and work on ourselves, but weaponizing the terminology we learn in therapy or online to victimize yourself and blame others for shrugging off your own responsibilities is far from healing. We share this planet with a bunch of other people, we are not isolated ecosystems. And as much as we can ask others to accommodate us, we must also do some internal work ourselves to meet them halfway.
We all are fighting our own personal demons and merit the space to address them, but there is a massive difference between understanding our issues to heal and grow from them versus using them to excuse destructive actions and accuse others of triggering us for suggesting alternatives/challenging our perspectives.
For instance, let's say you have roommates and they've kindly let you know several times that you need to clean up after yourself as the apartment is getting messy and it's a shared space. Despite them asking nicely, you accuse them of triggering you because being told to clean reminds you of the toxic relationship you had with your parents at home. All of a sudden they are now actively attacking your mental health and they have to either clean up after you since you refuse to do so or continue leaving the apartment a mess until you potentially change your mind. (I know this this might seem like an extreme example, but I've witnessed something very similar irl and there's far too many tiktoks of people mentioning similar experiences for me to think this is a singular experience.)
Now look, it is important to inform others of our limitations so that there's less friction as we navigate different environments and work on ourselves, but weaponizing the terminology we learn in therapy or online to victimize yourself and blame others for shrugging off your own responsibilities is far from healing. We share this planet with a bunch of other people, we are not isolated ecosystems. And as much as we can ask others to accommodate us, we must also do some internal work ourselves to meet them halfway.
We all are fighting our own personal demons and merit the space to address them, but there is a massive difference between understanding our issues to heal and grow from them versus using them to excuse destructive actions and accuse others of triggering us for suggesting alternatives/challenging our perspectives.
Nov 27, 2024
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