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Like a horse with no name, just feeling off and odd and outside of it all with no discernible cause and nausea on top. Feel like you’re washing away but not sure where from or to.…Comes randomly and unceremoniously, lasting a few days and cleaving a rift in every moment and interaction, a rift you kinda try to pretend isn’t there because you don’t know the cause or timeline. But rather than hammering your fists over an open canyon, casting a lonely echo, you breathe when you can and try to describe not why but what (for research, when it inevitably comes again), and wait until you feel the sun on your head again, when you stretch your fingers and feel the pull of your skin and the blood rush through and know you may not be you yet but you’re closer than the day before. And the fractures stay like fossils reminding you how swiftly you can slip outside of it all but also that you can float on back too.
May 26, 2025
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I left for a while to go on a study abroad experience. The more time passes after The Thing, the less life makes sense. I'm trying to get back to the people I used to know, to get back into the routine I had, the things I used to think.
But somehow EVERYTHING about and around me is different and I don't understand ANYTHING. My body is different, my time isn't the same and somehow even my thought process has changed.
I came back home expecting familiarity and warmth, and surprise, the world has obviously moved on (as I did) and nothing is the same, except all that is. Maybe not understanding everything I thought I had already integrated is part of growing up, I feel as if I'm shedding old skin to make room for new one, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm scared, confused, and generally don't really get the concept of time passing.
I never used to get when people said they wanted the world to stop for a second, because that wasn't me, I wanted more, faster, more, all of it. Now I get it. Let me lay here for a moment and not think about anything.
☆lookaliveodette!!!!!!☆
Feb 26, 2025
Spent the day with my mom—it was nice, overdue. But now I’m wrung out, heavy-limbed, like I left pieces of myself scattered along the way. Is it the starkness of seeing the world unfiltered, or the quiet exhaustion of performing okay-ness? I don’t know. Maybe I’m not sad. Maybe this is just the shape I take now— kicking up my feet on the edge of something vast, staring out, waiting to feel like I belong to myself again.
Feb 14, 2025
I’m currently traveling and my head is spinning with amazement. it’s more beautiful than I have or could have imagined. I’ve very grateful to be able to. to be able to try and be care free! I live nervously with myself still, and ive been getting waves of sadness at the end of the nights, feeling like an imposter, feeling as if I’m STILL not doing life right lol. but I am loved, I am taken care of, and I do have good things going for me. And I’m thousands of miles away from what haunts me, feels a bit better this far
This image/this energy is what I’m feeling not even exactly what it says
4d ago
Top Recs from @broodyscanner7
Believing the rest of your life can start today (but not succumbing to the weight of that, which I’ve yet to figure out how to do).
May 13, 2025
I love being a barista because it is so fun to not pay for coffee and taste horrifying extractions and bizarre customer creations (extra sweet caramel single shot breve iced) and take home what we can’t sell to customers. Behold the darkness of week old cold brew concentrate! A true depth of darkness only understood in certain light, black as midnight on a moonless night! Yum yum can’t wait have it with breakfast and feel each blood vessel moving through every artery!
May 26, 2025
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I don’t know if this applies to everyone as we seem to be peak hustle culture to survive the gig economy but I have a lot of free time, so much free time it’s overwhelming, that I pander in all sorts of unhelpful ways. Just saw something about someone who makes exquisite jewelry in their free time, it not being their day job, and am having a long hard think about how tired I really am when I claim to be too tired to work on the thing I claim to want to do…I also think about kids my age getting married and who may start having kids in the next few years (aside from the ones who already have) and how much of a time drain that is and how some day I’ll probably look back on this point and think I was swimming in time. Would probably help to start on the phone addiction first…Sometimes I think it’s possible I’m not as tired as I am, like focusing on how tired I am, trying to measure exactly how heavy my bones feel, only amplifies my tiredness into perceived exhaustion and maybe if I didn’t think about it so much it wouldn’t be as real as I let it, like the cold in winter.
May 27, 2025