I don't know that you'll ever feel "light" the way you once did again. Life and living comes with weight. Accept that you are going to keep changing and probably never be the same again. That doesn't mean you'll always be in despair, though. That, like the absurd, can be resisted.
One of the biggest problems in our society today is atomization. It strips away your humanity and adds to that despair. Reach out to others, find those that you can rely on and let them rely on you. (Healthy) Interdependence is the best way to have a strong, tight-knit community. Do what you can to help and make a positive impact. Doesn't need to be big or all at once. You can just build slowly. Make the world 0.0001% better every day and you're already doing great.
Make sure you live for yourself, too, and not just improving the world and forming community. Cultivate your tastes, find your hobbies, pursue not just your passions or the greater good but just things you enjoy. Despair comes from stagnation and rot, so allow yourself to grow and flourish.
You may not be light the same way again, but you can be happy and fulfilled. And maybe sometimes it'll be like it was before. And maybe you'll find that things get even better.
May 22, 2025
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transitionary periods are never easy, and i’m sorry you’re having to let go of so many things you’ve come to find comfort in, but not having an immediate sense of what to do next is not necessarily a bad thing. I had a similar phase of moving home after college, and it sucked for plenty of reasons, but it also gave me time and space to settle for a moment and reassess what my path was.
for a lot of people, it’s very easy to follow whatever momentum (career-wise or personal life-wise) they’ve been riding during undergrad and follow that to the next immediate opportunity, and a lot of people find contentment that way! but having an interruption to this sequence provides you with a unique opportunity to interrogate some assumptions you may have had about your future. is this career field really where you see yourself? is this city where you picture yourself settling? are you following the expectations imposed on you by others or are you following your own motivations and values? use this brief intermission to mourn what you are losing, but also to consider what you might build for yourself when freed from the necessity of following whatever path you have been on.
if you don’t like the situation you’re returning to, what would be a totally new scenario that would be better for you? envision that, and if the idea is compelling enough, pursue it. until you develop that vision, you may have to do some things to occupy yourself in the meantime that you may not find a lot of fulfillment in. maybe you find a part time job somewhere. whatever it is, if you come to dislike it all you’re doing is tuning your compass. use that to inform what you might prefer to do. but stay occupied! trying and making mistakes and learning is better than being idle.
during this process - and it will be a process, be patient with yourself - find ways to surround yourself with supportive community. maybe that’s your family, maybe it’s friends you’ve maintained in the place you’re returning to, maybe you seek out new community in hobbies you have, or you have cultural or religious communities you’re a part of, or you find friends in the workplace or a third social place. at the very least, they will provide you an escape from the stress of this period, but you could also develop relationships with people who can work though this life phase alongside you. what’s important, though, is that you create reasons to get out and interact with the world. you’re going to be dealing with a lot internally, and isolation can lead to spiraling. who knows, maybe you find a community that is better than what you have left, or maybe you find people who motivate you to pursue whatever you discover is next for you and see you off into the next chapter of your life.
basically, you’re gonna have to do some growth. like all growth, it’ll hurt sometimes, maybe a lot of the time, and you may have to leave certain things in the past that you weren’t ready to part with just yet, and it’s okay to recognize and process those losses. but so long as you don’t resign yourself to despair, and you find a support network that can bolster your spirit, you can come back stronger and more prepared to head down whichever path this process leads you to discover, and with more confidence and determination than the path you had been going down before. best of luck, friend. I hope you find what you’re looking for.
Jun 18, 2024
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When you’re in a slump, you’re in a slump.
Let yourself feel things. The good and the bad. I welcome them like a visitor and I invite them at the pretend dinner table in my head and get to know them, and I try not to ask them why they’re here. Why I feel things. I just let them be. Know that this will pass, just like a person visiting for a few nights and I try not to hold on to them when they’re ready to leave (yes those feelings will pass). Sounds very cliché but they do.
From my experience, the longer I fight the sadness/depression/slump, the longer it stays. I’ve learned just to take it day by day. This wouldn’t be possible without months of therapy where it was revealed to me that I’ve been so hard on myself almost my entire life.
I also meditate every night for 15-20 minutes. I take this activity so seriously, just a few minutes to close my eyes and release the tension I’ve felt the whole day. I love staying still. I love to close my eyes and think of nothing. My drive will come back.
What also helps (for me) is taking a few minutes a day to go outside and letting the sun touch my skin. It feels so good. Listen to the birds. Listen to the traffic. Just observe your surroundings and remember that there is life outside you and you are a part of something big and eventually you get inspired by something. May it be small or big. It will come back to you.
Be gentle and kind to yourself <3
Apr 25, 2024
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On the hard days, especially days like this, I ask and beg to you that you do NOT carry your grief, sadness, and heaviest feelings alone. Turn to your friends, your loved ones, and most importantly, the communities you exist and participate in.
Community is not JUST the way we critique, mobilize, and take action: Community ensures that our grief, dread, anger, and feelings of hopelessness are not carried alone. Community ensures we are not paralyzed in facing the scale of our battles. Let yourself be supported, and let yourself mourn with others: only then can we summon the strength to keep moving forward.
There is still good, and there is still hope. It's up to us to know our neighbor and build it.
Nov 7, 2024
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When you have something too pathetic to share with a friend or too personal or just inopportune... the page awaits
May 29, 2025
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Just not a fan. I could be enjoying so many other things but my dumb body and brain need to shut down for so long. Not that it doesn't feel good but I'd rather it was elective and that not doing it didn't have serious consequences
May 22, 2025