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had the loveliest conversation with a homeless man for almost 3 hours today. spoke of religion, hypocrisy (Jehovah’s Witnesses preaching God while ignoring him and this other homeless woman, eating their meal in front of her while she’s asking them for food), his life and family, poetry (he's just begun writing poetry and has written two, recited them for me and both were lovely but one in particular was genuinely beautiful, called ā€œan ode to the reckless joy of youthā€). dude’s been through a lot but has such dogged optimism through it all. it takes a certain strength of spirit to live through everything a lot of these people have been through, and there’s never an uninteresting perspective. greatly recommend giving them your time if you’ve got it to spare (as well as a meal or a quick Walgreen’s run).
May 16, 2025

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a couple months ago I'm out behind the gabled house with dregs of home still seeping through its edges, a sharp sort of newness ripping the seams of who I am & who I was, sweaty fingers slipping from between each other with the bloodied grasp of desperation - it is a spring day, and I am here again. the leaves are new and the blinking infant furled in the strands of my chest takes a breath and every time I trudge through these vine-ridden woods I feel her grubby hands trace the creases in my ribcage. there are ghosts here, the soulmate-friend across the ocean and I and the way we'd take axes to the already-fallen trees like our anger was spraying away with the bark and we were left with only breeze. there are the phantoms of our hands stuck in the mud, ripped leaves beneath our fingernails as we unclogged the flow of the creek and watched the water dig its trenches deeper, and now i'm watching it capture the light of a new year in my hometown alone. through the leaves and over the tinny chorus of water-on-rock I hear the echoes of a mother calling to her children in a game of hide-and-seek, her children laughing, the clamor of it like a memory captured on tape and played back. there is a hole here, radio waves rippling through years folded back and punched through, I a bystander to the reminiscence of a stranger years down the line when some part of that laughter will be lost. it is here. it is here now, in the backyard of a house I sometimes call home.
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because i’ve been trying to be more intentional with my time and it made me feel something so i sat with the feeling for awhile before opening my notes app: I see bears playing pool in the window on my lap in some faintly-brushed dimension whose green felt I’ll never touch. There’s an echo of a lyric in my head (ā€œyou don’t have to leave, you could just stay here with meā€) that somehow stretches past the incidentals of whether the words are true in fact & makes them true, somehow, a hand pushing through some clotted veil to let the light of all those days ago pass through, when I thought all I had to do was have the right argument. prove a God to someone who left Him long ago. now it’s a light in my chest, this thing I argued for, and a hint of a cicada (just its shell) on a tree, & sometimes I am clawing through the dirt with all my friends who can’t see that their fingernails have not been clean in so so long. For all our digging we can’t stop looking at the stars; for all our looking at the stars, we can’t stop the linoleum lights flickering above the pool table, for all the chapped lips and fraying eyeliner and all our tiny scars we skip where we can and push our way through the rest.
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I WILL KEEP INDEX. MY HEART IS OVERFLOWING WITH LOVE, I HAVE INFINITE BLESSINGS TO GIVE, AND I CAN THEORETICALLY COUNT TO AT LEAST A TRILLION. BLESS YOU
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