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i watch youtube videos, tiktoks, instagram reels
ill read books, poems, quotes
ill listen to music, plays, audio dramas
it's never anything new
sure i've never heard you say that that way
but i heard it before
the seemingly meaningless ramblings of the other psychward paitents have more meaning and insight if you actually think about what they're saying
maybe thats why i was there
i collect books. seeing provides more insight and causes me to think more than actually reading it would
i look at a book and in a second the whole story meanings themes and resolutions are there
i read it and its gone
oh its the same structure and lines from that one book i read at 5 but with different paint
nothing new or challenging.
my friend M loves DC. we buy comics together, he tells me about the movies, shows and stories.
i dont read them. i know ill be disappointed. another 'ive read this before' 'i know that already'
often i can tell him the ending of the movie before the second act and half the time im right.
i've been trying to show him that most things are the same. very few are different.
God says theres nothing new under the sun. maybe he's right
why can't i enjoy these things. my friends find so much enjoyment in this. they dont see it. no one i know does. maybe their scared. why i try to explain to them that this story is the same as that. they look scared.
is that why i'm crazy?
why did i have to notice that? why did i have to notice
i think i know why
i've probably seen it before.
May 15, 2025
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I left for a while to go on a study abroad experience. The more time passes after The Thing, the less life makes sense. I'm trying to get back to the people I used to know, to get back into the routine I had, the things I used to think.
But somehow EVERYTHING about and around me is different and I don't understand ANYTHING. My body is different, my time isn't the same and somehow even my thought process has changed.
I came back home expecting familiarity and warmth, and surprise, the world has obviously moved on (as I did) and nothing is the same, except all that is. Maybe not understanding everything I thought I had already integrated is part of growing up, I feel as if I'm shedding old skin to make room for new one, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm scared, confused, and generally don't really get the concept of time passing.
I never used to get when people said they wanted the world to stop for a second, because that wasn't me, I wanted more, faster, more, all of it. Now I get it. Let me lay here for a moment and not think about anything.
☆lookaliveodette!!!!!!☆
Feb 26, 2025
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I have for the longest time had a long ongoing story in my mind that I think about whenever I’m bored.
Waiting in the line at a grocery store? Sitting in a waiting room?
Let me think about this story with these characters in my head.
Free TV with my imagination.
I have tried writing it down several times but it just steals the magic. There can be plot holes and things that don’t make sense because nobody knows about this.
Probably a symptom of my mental illness but I quite enjoy it.
Feb 8, 2025
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-there was a recent time where i met someone, someone very sweet and interesting. we talked and talked, and no matter how much i'd ever see them again, i was okay with myself. to me, they were an anomaly in the people i met, because they were that remarkable to me. i walked away from them fulfilled, as i repeated to myself in my head "even if i don't see them again i'll be okay".
-i've always held on to those kinds of experiences, minus the acceptance. that's what's new with this one.
-first it was holding on to the memories of people who i couldn't see anymore due to moving, then it was holding on to the things we did. in elementary, the people that befriended me had a binder and we'd draw and play characters all written in that one binder during recess.
-one of those friends, kaden, moved away in 6th grade without telling anyone. with how much i've moved state to state, i completely understand why he did that or why he couldn't do anything about it. i've thought about disappearing, without anyone looking or having to worry about me. but, me being the person i am i couldn't forget him.
-the last move i have to do is this year. it won't even be out of my control because of it's that of college. my house won't be *my house* and it won't retain the shape it wrapped me around with.
-i live in myself and i'm learning to stop disappearing from myself, because in the end that is impossible.
-so, when i met this said person recently, i acknowledged that i could miss this person forever, but also the hope to meet people like them that i could keep forever. that there are good people i can be good to
so, when i leave, i want to accept that *things can happen again*. don't know if this made much sense
Jan 24, 2025
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I've been listening to the esoteric messages transferred shirts found at goodwill!!
honestly their music has saved my life and brought me through a lot of pain these past years!!
wonder when it'll be too much and i cant take it any more? 🤔
May 15, 2025