I knew other people felt this way (now, after finding out why I did) but I've never seen it described so accurately! I'm not saying we are 100% going through the same thing, but I'd give it a 90% chance here based on how much this describes me.
for me, it turned out that I had c-ptsd from chronic overstimulation and emotional/medical neglect as a kid - just enough to go under everyone's radar. I am autistic, but my parents were in denial, nobody really "knew" or confirmed it because I was forced and eventually became able to "act normal" despite still being a big bullying target and a little weirdo in private. but beyond the social aspects, these symptoms you've described and what I've felt turned out to be a reaction to something I've forgotten long ago. I was physically looking fine, emotionally seeming okay on the outside (because I shut down outwardly rather than melt down), but I went through repetitive unaccomidated experiences that hurt me in the long run. but I didn't have a big traumatic event I could point to. the physical medical neglect I experienced later was unrelated and more nuanced. and I was surprised when I was working with my therapist and my biggest issues were not single events - but tiny little things that built up over time, every day.
the only thing that's helped me actually stop them has been EMDR - but it is a strooong trauma therapy. it's not scary - people without c-ptsd do pretty hardcore processing routinely that's just like it during REM sleep, it's part of dreaming - but I really could only do three sessions before I needed to stop and process how I feel about my life now. but I can walk into school's now without any of the same physical or emotional issues I was having! but before it always felt both nostalgic and bad, like at best exposing myself in a controlled setting.
I'm not trying to say you're autistic or have c-ptsd, but that's what it ended up being for me. C-ptsd gives you triggers that make you feel like you have the trauma event of PTSD, but unspeakably so. the best comparison I can make is PTSD is a broken leg you can put in a cast and mostly heal up, while C-PTSD is getting a hammer to your leg every day until it eventually cracks, but you don't even notice it anymore. all you know is that hammers make you feel sick and you're protective of your leg now. triggers feel more abstract and unable to pinpoint. I didn't realize why my triggers were so intense before memories resurfaced about them after EMDR.
so if it's intense, I wouldn't nessecarily say you NEED EMDR now, but talking with a trauma therapist isn't such a bad idea. I do believe c-ptsd is underdiagnosed, but also understudied and poorly understood. so I think it's worth asking yourself how intense it is, and a lot of people don't know they deal with it. but you're not alone! I deal with it too
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but also remember this may be normal and exist on a spectrum. I've said some words with loaded implications but take what helps you and leave what doesn't
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I have an ACE score of 8 😝 I’m always going to be different in some ways but after years of work in EMDR therapy/meditation/yoga and with support from loved ones it mostly feels like a bad dream and I’m pretty stable and happy. I do believe that for many people adversity builds strength and I like to be there for others 🫶
Jul 18, 2024
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Sometimes a thought pops up in my brain:
Am I bipolar, or just a girl who doesn’t know how to deal with her feelings?
One moment I am having the best time ever and just like that my mind fills up with my deepest and worst memories/thoughts. I guess something just triggers a part of my brain that has those memories but its just weird.
Its like a panic attack but just affecting my mood. And I am a person who can’t really hide how they are from the outside so I just ruin everything for everyone;(
It is just so draining to always be on the edge of happiness. Whenever I am happy I feel like I am just waiting for the second I will feel bad. There is just no stability just the constant wait until I’ll feel depressed again.
And don’t worry I just took the first step of getting myself a therapist 🫡 (this was really hard for me idk why)
Aug 31, 2024
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lifechanging psychotherapy technique that reprocesses old memories and changes your beliefs around them simply by making your eyes move back and forth
i’ve been in therapy since I was 12 and nothing has helped me like EMDR. it has truly changed the way I perceive myself, the world, my life. I stay preaching about it
Feb 20, 2024
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you can do whatever you want, but if you really want to hear my opinion on it... at best, ai-art is demoralizing to actual human beings and creates novelty slop that vaugely looks like an art piece, while not harboring any skill in using it. and theres nothing wrong with not wanting to make art fir the skill of it, though. but at worst, it's an environmental and economic disaster, a predatory business model to consumers and customers of AI, and a great way for businessmen to try and take creativity away from us to turn us into cogs in the machine. it's built off of the stolen work of artists who already struggled to make a living, now forced out by a tool that's turned on them with their own work. it can help make propaganda that is virtually unidentifiable, turn victims into deepfakes, and generally evil we have yet to see. and that's just the image side of things, but the cons of all types of ai models overlap.
I've had to watch people throw away their lifelong dreams because of this garbage. it's no coincidence elonely muskrat and every ceo you can think of are obsessed with it - it's a perverse business tool.
I wouldn't mind coexisting with it if it wasn't out to get me. but it is.
I also feel like it's the reason nobody makes fun photobashes or random photoshops anymore. it will never fully phase out human art but I think it's starting to take over the photography world, especially commercially. I'm sick of looking up real places and animals and sorting through fake slop im being told is real.
2d ago
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I think them has a lot of stories that resonate with the more optimistic side of me, even if you're not queer. maybe give this one a try?
https://www.them.us/story/weird-little-guy-essay-hobbies-trump-administration-singing-collecting-cringe
Apr 6, 2025
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I forget the most obvious secret for how this works. hehehehe
1d ago