on page 248 of the edition i have, i stumbled across this line and it has stayed with me ever since
"Truth, she thought. As terrible as death, but harder to find"
Mar 30, 2025
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“There is a moment of dumb dismay, and the wanderings must begin again; the painful explaining away of facts, the feverish raking up of illusions, the cultivation of a fresh crop of lies in the sweat of one’s brow, to sustain life, to make it supportable, to make it fair, so as to hand intact to another generation of blind wanderers the charming legend of a heartless country, of a promised land, all flowers and blessings…”
It’s from The Return - Joseph Conrad. I’m still a hard line natalist… but just barely
Feb 23, 2024
It taught me how literature can carry national grief. The novel doesn’t glorify war - it strips it bare. The language is sober, devastating and shaped how I understand brutality, numbness, and the fight to stay human.
Once, in my hometown, there was an art installation where quotes from the book were engraved into tree trunks and scattered through the city:
“A lance corporal (…) drags his shattered knees behind him; another walks to the dressing station, and over his clasped hands spill his intestines. (…) The horror can be endured as long as you simply duck your head; but it kills you if you start to think about it.”
Apr 16, 2025
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One of my all time favorite books and I would sell my kidneys to read it for the first time.
“Do you think anything else under heaven really matters? And how long, at the best, can it last? since you are both men and still have everywhere to go? Only five minutes, I assure you, only five minutes, and most of that, hélas! in the dark. And if you think of them as dirty, then they will be dirty—they will be dirty because you will be giving nothing, you will be despising your flesh and his. But you can make your time together anything but dirty; you can give each other something which will make both of you better—forever—if you will not be ashamed, if you will only not play it safe.” He paused, watching me, and then looked down to his cognac. “You play it safe long enough,” he said, in a different tone, “and you’ll end up trapped in your own dirty body, forever and forever and forever—like me.”
I cried for 2 days straight after reading this.. TWO DAYS!!
My favorite excerpt from the entire book. James Baldwin is a genius and may his heavenly soul rest in peace.
May 12, 2025
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Apr 27, 2025
noticing life and slowing things down has helped with every stress my body has, it's also got me going on walks to places i've never been before. I go alone and do walkie talkies sometimes too, which is like an audio journal log. i also get some cool pictures out of it.
May 7, 2025
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waking up at 7am today has been a painfully dreadful existence, and i've only been awake for 52 minutes. How do people do this?
Apr 20, 2025