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Sometimes all I need is a simple routine. Lighting a candle in the quiet hours of the night with a warm cup of tea. This has been my winter “ritual” ever since I’ve come to know winter. Sometimes I read a book, and most times I watch something. But maybe I need another element. I could journal, but for once properly and physically in one place. I find many of my thoughts are just as scattered as they are in my head. On random pieces of post its, my notes app, Word, my notebook for class… they’re just everywhere and if I tried to trace them, I think, I think I would rather not. So here is one. Perhaps posting this as a confession will serve as my signed contract to get me to actually start keeping track (it’s worth a shot). I’ve come to understand that learning about people is fun but generally wouldn’t mind if it stayed this kind of one-way street. Maybe it’s time to overcome that, maybe I can add this sharing business as my new element, and maybe I’ll come to learn that a two-way street allows for different directions.
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The other day I went to a coffee shop with the intention of reading my book but instead spent about two hours writing in my journal.
I’m not a great journaler. It’s the kind of relationship where I’ll pick it up when I’m going through something, be really consistent for a couple days, and then once I’m feeling lighter I won’t touch it for months.
I’m definitely not in the easiest season of life right now, but im not actively shittingscreamingcryingthrowingup about anything at the moment. For some reason though, despite my mentally “up” state of being, I was desperate to write down everything I’ve been thinking and feeling in the past couple weeks.
I honestly think it’s why the past couple days I haven’t posted anything on this app is because anything I would’ve mused about I already wrote in my journal lol. I even considered just taking a picture of the journal pages and posting them here but that felt too intimate? Maybe?
Feb 23, 2025
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This could be one of those rare things that – somehow – reminds you who you are, or who you used to be, those parts you thought were gone. (And trust me, there will be threads. So many threads.) I’ve learned, too, that there are whole stretches of life where you’ve been a stranger to yourself for so long that admitting it feels terrifying, insane even. But without that one thing to confess to, to get honest with – to untangle the mess of ordinary, maddening thoughts – you might never know what’s actually there, buried under the static.
Nov 14, 2024
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this is only a habit i have picked up in the last year, but it has made a world of difference. i will write about things that i am thinking about or stuff i need to do or just chronicle my day. i just find it very grounding or like a reset to my thought processes.
Nov 25, 2024
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If I don't know what to do, or know exactly what I need to do but must (the must is essential here) procrastinate, I'd discover music for hours on end until I get tired and call it a successful day.
Time passes in like no time (haha) when I do my weekly deep dive into what's new or what's old - whatever it is, as long as it makes me think "fuck i really should have found this sooner." or a simple "i like this." It's my extremely aware subconscious forcing me to spend hours finding 'my song of the week' - I swear.
This list is just the representation of exactly what kind of sound I'm fixated on currently.
o Unicorn - bel canto
o Smiling in Slow Motion - Mike Midnight
o Paradise Circus - Massive Attack, Hope Sandoval
o Boyracer - Hysterical Love Project
o St Magdalene's Wood - Kelora
I'm keeping this list short. I realized the music deep dive will return especially because it's prime time (after midnight).
Mar 19, 2025
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Repeats from another music deep dive that spanned a couple hours, or rather my whole night:
o 4AM - Kaskade
o crows - DESTROY BORING, Belis
o DayDay - Nation
I’m nearing the end of my studies and feelings I felt at the beginning of my journey are finding their way back. This time maybe a little more certain and a little more older. First one replayed x1000 (2006 classic I’ve been missing out on).
Mar 27, 2025