i was born in 1999 but my life started about two years ago. i like to take photos because it's artistically gratifying and a little depersonalizing and i get to use a little gadget to do it. my favorite color changes about every 4-5 years but right now for the first time i don't think i have one. my favorite part of my body is my hands. i grew up in a small town that i hated deeply and got out as soon as i could which was a financially terrible decision but i was 17 and stupid and sad and it was worth it. my favorite thing to wear is an unflattering and falling-apart chore coat that i can get lost in. every sunday night i shoot hormones into my stomach and it feels sacred, and every time i take my warm sheets out of the dryer i lie down on the bed and put them all on top of me and sit there until they cool down and that feels sacred too.
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I was born in a tiny town right outside of the Montana badlands two weeks before the turn of the century, one week before Christmas, and a week after my only sibling's birthday. I grew up in the middle of North Dakota, in a town big enough to have all the popular chain restaurants, but small enough where the only fun things to do with your friends was cruise around town and smoke by the river. I spent my childhood running around our neighborhood with the neighbor kids, and making YouTube videos with my sister and friends in the very early days of that site.
I've had a very complicated relationship with my family past elementary school, due to the fact that I had untreated ADHD and was always a bit of a troublemaker. My parents just didn't have a clue on what to do with me, to the point that they had considered sending me off to a boarding/reform school a time or two. I moved three hours away the second I graduated, and have been inching further east ever since. I didn't go to college, as I barely got through high school without flunking.
In my 7 years of adulthood so far, I've worn many hats. From working as a barista, to a waitress at a sushi place, to selling and making mattresses (I made the mattress i sleep on), to being a receptionist at a barbershop, and currently being the front desk girl at a tattoo shop, I never know what job is coming next for me.
I have a cat named Pooky, a beautiful fluffy grey and white tuxedo cat, that I can't help talk about all the time. He's just the best. I've lived with my cousin/best friend Aly, and her sassy cat Chloe, since 2018. We go to a lot of concerts, and almost always get to the barricade if we are in the pit. I talk a lottt. I have a stockpile of random information about musicians and history that I love to share with people. I love MCR. I thrive in the spring and autumn, weed gives me anxiety, I pronounce caramel like care-a-mel, have a slightly crippling fear of wasps and heights, and have recently gotten into crafts with my buddies. My 2007 Impala has 230,000 miles on it and I plan on driving it until it breaks down for good. And that's pretty much the basics.
Feb 28, 2025
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Not that anyone will care, but to understand me you have to understand this:
I was raised by Christian Protestant fundamentalists, the youngest of 4 by 10 years. Although I resent the church and the theology I desperately tried to make myself believe, I am grateful for their teachings of serving and loving others, even if they contradicted themselves when they told me to fear the evil nature of humanity.
I was named after my grandma, who lived with me for 11 years of my childhood and remained ever trusting and kind as she fell victim to dementia. By the time I was 8 my parents seemed to have tired from raising 4 kids and intensively caring for a 90 year old woman, and I was free to bike miles across town to the library unsupervised, and patch myself up when I fell and bled, and lock myself in my room to read every spare hour of the day. I would read while I ate breakfast, I would read while brushing my teeth, I would read and I wouldn’t hear it if someone called my name. I discovered the internet soon after and unfortunately the curiosities it offered won out over literature. When the internet taught me I wouldn’t live forever in heaven under the tree of life with Teddy Roosevelt and my grandpa, I was on my own to process and panic and pretend to pray.
My family came from Norway, across Canada, down to Northern Idaho to work in the lumber yards, and finally to Oregon when starvation wages hit the shop teachers. My mom grew up on elk tongue sandwiches and I was never allowed to leave a plate full.
I always struggled with friendships, not because people didn’t like me but because I have a tendency for isolating myself. The people I love most tend to be strange and upfront and vulnerable. And I do love my family, but more than anything I want to be independent and meet many strange and upfront people who will lead me to adventure. I am almost 20 and I am an artist. I have no tattoos and I am reckoning with my potential.
Feb 28, 2025
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working from what may seem like very surface level cliches but stay w me here
((tldr: why not just believe that its all working out for the better, even if thats not what you planned? also, empathy and objectivity are a solid duo that id like to see in combination more frequently.))
putting this at the top because this is a dissertation, at best; psychosis, at the other end of the pendulum.
sooooooo the fact that u have no control over life liek At All. has been a consistently terrifying concept for FOREVER as a shorty who is Clinically a control freak, but realizing that the unpredictable essence that makes all of this shit unnerving is the very thing that can take the weight of life off of your shoulders has been pretty revolutionary.
im still digesting/integrating it one bite at a time, for sure, so call me a hypocrite ESPECIALLY if you know me personally. when in clarity, though, its been so pleasant to realize that since Nothing truly matters that much since nothing is set in stone anyway- w regard to action, approach, fulfilling temporary expectations of yourself, whether or not you reach short term goals, etc.- living life completely and utterly for yourself and whatever that means to you at any given moment will likely ultimately be the plan that brings you most fulfillment, when all is said and done.
whether that means taking the risk and changing your major, taking that freaky elective bc it sounds cool, moving in w some randos in a townhouse, quitting your job and starting something new- maybe it winds up being an epic fail, who knows? as long as youre setting goals that align with an ultimate sense of who you are and what youre looking to get out of life, which i presume can be solidified further by pursuing said experiences just for the sake of it? right? helps u figure out what u actually want? and as long as you keep bareback essential priorities straight (financial and emotional stability come to mind), then theres no reason for impermanence to work against you.
this also counts for people, as well. i feel like we hold others to critical standards, as we should, but contemporarily tend to neglect the fact that people DO change. morals/how you view the world are impacted by experience, and we are all fruits of very very different trees. completely dependent on circumstance, of course, empathy/understanding/consequential second chances are side-swept under the premise of respect/accountability. accountability is CRUCIAL, but i feel like so many of us (myself included) take that to heart and forget that figuring out how someone got to some place is a key aspect of understanding whether or not their position was truly from a place of lack of respect? if that makes any sense??
i also have been thinking about this a lot: my best friend throughout middle school and i fell out the summer before sophomore year over…nothing? idk, 3 years of seeing each other every single day (neighbors) to no contact until senior of high school- still weren’t talking regularly or anything though.
2 years ago, she turned 20. i posted an old photo of us because, despite everything, 20’s a big one.
this year, we’ve spent late nights on facetime, drove to watch the sunrise after hours of catching up on god knows what on the hill where we would listen to music while her mom cooked dinner, and she’s been my go to for any necessary bitching/ranting during whats been the worst year my mental health has ever seen??
time is your friend, if you let it be. connections arent a race in any dynamic, and it’s never over if it’s truly meant to happen.
let life change. i think.
Dec 5, 2024
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simply the sweetest tv show ever made. for if you wanna laugh then get misty eyed in 11 minutes
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