👩🦲
Feb 26, 2025
Comments (46)
Make an account to reply.
what if you’ve dated anxious and avoidant and have just matched the energy of the opposite of whatever they are?? what am i chameleon attachment!???
Mar 3, 2025
taterhole this is and actually always has been the issue. i’m into the idea of someone being into me, which is why when the only one who gave me mixed signals made me feel anxious. i didn’t really even like him i just liked the fact he liked me ☹️ (he was hot which helped tho)
Mar 3, 2025
Reading this thread is sooooooo interesting as someone on the OPPOSITE side of the spectrum — very anxious, gets attached easily, red flags looks green etc — that has, on multiple occasions (one very recently, ouch), been hurt by someone that was emotionally unavailable. I guess I can’t really give advice cause my problem is the complete opposite, but at least the way I’ve justified my way of being is that you absolutely can never love at all if you don’t open up with someone else and TRY. And while yes you can be hurt, I guess I prefer the 1% chance of success over no chance at all. And in terms of the pain, I think we all tend to under-appreciate our mental fortitude and ability to move past painful moments. Id rather let someone hurt me (which isn’t in my control) than kick myself for not even trying (which is) ya know?
Feb 27, 2025
camila-santana I think that is a really admirable way to live and to love and I hope you find someone who returns what you’re able to give to them!!! 🥰 this thread is really interesting so much to learn from people I’m glad everybody is chiming in
Feb 27, 2025
I’ve literally just started telling people I’m emotionally unavailable lol might as well be honest about it when that’s how I’m feeling
Feb 27, 2025
beangirl94 brave and real also setting up a challenge for any sickos who are up to it
Feb 27, 2025
taterhole Ty! It’s not something I regularly struggle with, but most often I feel this way when I try to start dating again too soon after a break up (my current situation)
Feb 27, 2025
The #womeninmalefields tag really opened my eyes to my own behaviour lmao
a work in progress out here 🌱✨️
Feb 27, 2025
thisismoy so what you’re saying is Really we are innovators and trailblazers breaking the class ceiling
Feb 27, 2025
taterhole oh I'm also an enabler so this is both excellent and awful to hear hahhaha but I'm trying to be more honest with my feelings towards the people I love😭💖
Feb 27, 2025
thisismoy no me too actually I’m trying to be brave and I think I needed a net beneath me to take the leap 💖
Feb 27, 2025
Literally made myself become abstinent because I was “the man” in my past few relationships
Feb 26, 2025
This is hard! I’m typically a very open/vulnerable person, but I can be more avoidant when I feel the other person’s desire is greater than my own and maybe they need more than I feel I can offer. I’m someone who worries a lot about others’ expectations of me and whether I can deliver on those. That can be more of an anxiety than something I know for a fact, but I will worry about getting too far in and not being able to get out again. That I’ll lose myself and my needs.
Some classic people pleaser shit, tbh.
I think so much comes down to figuring out how to make healthy contact: where you’re vulnerable and open enough to let people in, while still having strong enough boundaries to maintain autonomy and a distinct sense of self. So much of that comes down to being well-matched enough with someone to be really honest about what you need and how you expect the relationship to look — and I include friendships in this, too. I want to know that everything is negotiable and collaborative, and that helps me feel safe. Knowing what’s expected and that it’s okay if I need to say “no.” If someone isn’t open to having those conversations early on, it’s probably not a good fit for me.
Feb 26, 2025
zenlikeme wow I am loving the responses I’m getting here because I’m really learning the different ways emotional unavailability can manifest but I think bottom line i am careless with hearts because I often do not understand my own motivations and desires 🥹
Feb 26, 2025
taterhole For what it’s worth, I think that’s a lot of people — even people in long-term relationships! But it sounds like you’re on the path to learning what you might want/need, even if all you know right now is that you don’t know. You’re smart and emotionally intelligent, so you’ll get there!
Feb 26, 2025
zenlikeme being smart and emotionally intelligent are the problems and hubris that create the blind spots but yes I’m getting there 🗡️❤️
Feb 26, 2025
Every day I see a meme about how dating men is horrible for xyz reason and realize I am the man in every situation
Feb 26, 2025
eatgraeps I may be crazy to be terrified of men and not trust their intentions but every time I have ever let my guard down I have been proven correct to be afraid! Therefore when I date it’s to desperately grasp at an ideal I cannot reach without making the fatal mistake of involving real feelings! On another note I watched The Piano Teacher last night and related hard, so that’s probably not a good sign
Feb 26, 2025
eatgraeps this is interesting I think I’ve mostly had such terrible experiences because I’m so profoundly self-centered and most suffering I’ve experienced has been partly self-induced through self sabotage to protect my ego and avoid risk, and I end up hurting men who care or alternatively in situations where I’m just not cared for at all lol… And then I’m always like however did I end up here? But it was me and my own inability to self-examine…
It sounds like your emotions must be there and accessible on some level I wish I could relate but mine are buried under about ten layers of self deception and intellectualization at all times unless something really shocks my system and jams past these barriers.
I watched The Piano Teacher recently and thought thank god this is not relatable to me so my condolences 😭
I think the answer regardless is to give yourself bravely and freely but it requires a really special person who can inspire that sense of patience and emotional safety and isn’t afraid to challenge you or hold up a mirror to you to show you difficult things but without judgment… 🦄
taterhole on the contrary on the emotional front- for years i have felt mostly the same as you, unable to experience my emotions for the aforementioned reasons, self protection and risk avoidance- sometimes the only reason i know i'm not actually sociopathic is that when i was younger, i was so emotional that it paralyzed me. i blame this new me on anhedonia.
i also have realized i really don't want to hurt people by, i don't know- exercising my agency? knowing and being known? a hedgehogs dilemma
on the other hand, every time i have developed trust for a man over time, even just in close friendships, they have crossed physical boundaries or revealed themselves to not see me as a whole person with intelligence and desires and autonomy. these situations are the reason for the avoidance and intellectualization in the first place. so i don't know if you should blame yourself entirely for your experiences.
anyway, here's to finding the answer in caring boldly, and finding someone who can see the whole of you in return.
Feb 26, 2025
eatgraeps oh I don’t blame myself I fully blame my mother LOL 🥹 it goes back further than that so I never really had a fair chance in these things but I’m trying
Feb 26, 2025
eatgraeps I love it!!!!! Discussion threads are so fun. I can relate with men who don’t see you as a person and cross boundaries I think I actually instinctively become very cruel as a reaction to that and I don’t really feel bad about that honestly 💀
Feb 26, 2025
starlet LOLLL I think I was fully the villain the whole time because of my own formative early early villain who was supposed to teach me not to be like this perhaps but taught me I needed to hide my vulnerability at all costs 🤡
Feb 26, 2025
starlet I just did that for the first time ever in my life and it’s umm….. 😶 🌫️
imkhushi unfortunately I think I’m beginning to learn what you’re supposed to do, probably too late, and it’s… think about the other person and actually listen to what they’re trying to say to you and then actually be open about your feelings instead of just assuming they’ll understand/trust what you mean and being superficially charming 🤡 I literally am an emotionally unavailable man FUCK
Feb 26, 2025
imkhushi girl I know me too but evidently it can create profound and long-lasting mental anguish 👩🦲🤡
Feb 26, 2025
