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Broke my 1 cig a night rule bc I needed to put coal in the furnace to finish this creative project. If I don’t give this my full soul and if I don’t finish on time, letting my collaborator down, I wouldn’t forgive myself. The semi-detached ironic whimsy is failing me tonight. It was serving me so well, I think. I have no whimsy or snarky observations. I just want to scream at the sky. The world is so unjust it makes my stomach tight and empty. I’m gonna be a better me and live as well as I can and show kindness to the morally corrupt and lying, because I don’t want to fight and the high horse is close enough to winning a fight. I’ll find something more generous tomorrow. Or if not generous, practical. I hope the most vulnerable people on this planet have a more consistent strength than I do. I can afford to not know. I like this app. It makes me feel like I can express this. Lots of unique perspectives and interests and strains of kindness here. I’ll appreciate that tonight. I’m tired of the cold. Metaphorical and physical, it is freezing outside. I want to laugh from somewhere deep within me while the sun is warm and I’m eating grilled octopus. Maybe I’ll be pithy again tomorrow
Feb 20, 2025
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You put lots of feelings into words for me. Hoping that you feel the warm sun on your skin soon, and that the frigid air leaves your bones and your soul.
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During every season of change, I get so caught up in the muck, fuck-up and duck of it. My thoughts start reflecting these rush-hour based beliefs (I should’ve gotten more done, I’m not doing enough).
after an honest therapy session yesterday, I realized that the root of a lot of my recent heartaches are from the way I speak about myself, think about myself. Instead of considering how hard I work, how much I try, I‘ve been pouring pebbles into my soup and wondering why it was so hard to eat. In other words: I’m real mean to myself.
I’ve attached what this open book page can be, and I just come write a little note on it whenever I return from my journey from the outside world. It feels nice to be nice, truly.
I have no timeline to finish this, no minimum level of detail I need to explain my actions. It’s going to be very sweet to reflect with every version of myself who paused, took off her coat, picked a coloured pen, and appreciated what she is, who she’s becoming.
Feb 7, 2025
i forgot my headphones at home. i was about to either
1) pump black country new road
2) watch brooklyn 99.
i miss being passionate about things, not being able to sleep, eat, speak,
or fathom anything beyond the apple
of my eye and the fruit of my thoughts.
i miss waking up with one thing in mind, how i would explore it that day, and how i would explore it the next
it’s been people
it’s been sewing
guitar
driving
religion
philosophy
photography
writing
filming
blogging
i think, regardless of any tik tok data explosion with the intention of ripping out each of my brain cells to keep me submissive and docile because of a wrecked attention span, i’m not a girl of her commitments- i get bored.
and i am bored. i feel this lack of passion so deeply in my body, its been a catalyst for the recent crashouts ive had ( and there’s been plenty) i don’t know how to stay, and work hard, and allow myself to grow to what i want to be right in this instance. not to shine my own shoes, but i’m not super used to being bad at things. i’ve always always always coasted, and now that im trying to be a gaf (give a fuck) filled girl, ive realized, sucking at something hurts a lot more when you’ve put in the work to be good at it.
if it wasn’t me writing this, and my best friend called me and told me this word for word, i would tell her how normal that feeling was, and that she herself knew what to do; commit. and that is my advice, dear sweet amalia, commit, commit, commit.
Feb 18, 2025
It’s been so long since I‘ve woken up and felt inspired to make the day my bitch. I miss being silly, I miss feeling gratitude. I want to notice life again; feel the pulse of the earth beating alongside mine.
I spend my time dulling myself on Instagram, or dreaming about my future in the mountains or ocean or California—somewhere magical where I’m happy.
Be where your feet are. That’s the mantra that was grinded into me a few summers ago. Be present and you’ll be happy. Somewhat, I’ve been trying this. meditation once a week or occasional yoga. But I’m not doing enough to make a serious impact.
May this post be my marker. The year is pretty much still fresh, spring is coming (hopefully), and I pledge to be more presen. I shall wake up ready to happy light and go to bed with a belly full of tea. Let the joy return!!!!!!
Feb 28, 2025
Top Recs from @hhtthhtthhttht
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Ok stay with me here. Too much public filming. This is going to discourage good weird public activity. We need people being weird in public. Odd dancing, carrying around insane items, freaked out fits, etc. Instead of a quick vid to show your friends, or, god forbid, *get internet clout*, people should be sketching the scene and describing it in colorful language. Now you have to take accountability for your opinion on the matter, your draftsmanship and writing gets better, and the public freaks have plausible deniability in the job interview. This goes for drunk man on the street tik tok videos as well. Put on a newsboy cap and start jotting. There should be exceptions like intentional performances or heinous crimes of course. I’m open to other exceptions I just can’t think of any rn. This will never be a reality but i can try
Feb 25, 2025
Mar 10, 2025
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Thought of this watching a PBS cooking show centered around local farmer and fisherman. Awkward pauses. Darting eyes. Canned jokes. I like this, it is human. I wonder if our arms race of conversation/persona monetizing is not good for us.
Sub-rec: how to with John Wilson
Mar 7, 2025