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Persistence
Such a sweet and delicate choice giving up is. Growing up as a person with traits to avoid everything never really helped. Trying to be willing to participate enough to change myself - or was it to satisfy others?
Questioning the existence itself, I only have the motivation to write this down solely due to the want of eliminating the feeling of depression. I am in a vulnerable position where I am always alone, distracted from others. Derealization slowly slithers into my mind whenever I feel a sense of ache in my head. The determination that I'm not alone in this; who knows if everyone else is just created by my illusions? Delusions.
Going through life can be a task of perseverance. Knowing too much never really resulted one with satisfying gifts. Ecstatic enough, quite hidden, the misery to everything is. Why, I'm definitely most afraid to die alone with nobody on my side. But oh, how lovely being alone really is though, don't you think?
I myself am who knows me best, who understands me like no-one could ever do. But I keep marching further in hope to find an entity that even can share a single piece of me. We are all in a game of puzzle, in the end. Finding someoe to fit inside this cage of an ongoin carousel.
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I brought phrases from my journal and created some connections :)
Always remember: although parts of your life can be draining and even leave a mark inside a page, there's so much more things that you can feel and see outside of the edges of blue. Your life doesn't have to be the same as others - you will find your own definition of 'happiness' and 'joy'.
Music: Nocturne in B flat major, Op.9, No.1 - Frederic Chopin
Image from Pinterest
Jan 29, 2025
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Are they the tingling feelings that you look back at or the fragments of memories that you struggle to picture in your head? Do you ever miss a person that you donāt even know? Perhaps it is an idea, a concept or a thought.
You are trying to create the perfect person that will understand you, tame you and love you just like how you would. You do not seek for reciprocated love - you always feel like you want to give more and love more. It is your way of loving and who is to complain?
However, a part of you aches knowing that someday when the time comes and you lay down onto a field taking your final breaths, you probably would have wanted someone to just whisper on how much they adore you, just like how ānight breezes seem to whisper āI love you.āā.
Gentleness but also full with affection.
Somebody who can withstand you during your energetic moments and your burnt out times. Someone who will stay next to you no wonder what; someone who is not afraid to present their emotions for you and only you.
Someone who will try everything just to love you, get back to you no matter what.
And I promise, from the deepest roots of my heart, that I will dearly love them where every moment would feel like the first time - the rushed heartbeats, flowing hormones, aching hearts and locked eyes. We will love the way that we do - and it may be similar to others - but in the end, we know that what we have is different and special for ourselves.
Beethovenās āFur Eliseā. The strong faith in love that was driven between Schumann, Brahms and Clara.
Like how one composes songs dedicated for another and one paints in shades of pastels reminiscing of their significant other. Like the love letters written in ink that took quite a while to pick out at the store, wrapped in delicate enveloped covered with kiss marks. Like the singing and humming dedicated for the ears of the other.
It is what you want, and therefore you wait - for who knows how long, expecting that person, who will achieve accomplishment throughout a journey together with you.
āāāāāāā
Hello! This is my first entry hereeee:)
The picture was carefully brought here from pinterest and was in my album, I do not know any individual in the photo but they gave me great inspiration on writing this piece. The photo really speaks warmth and radiates energy IMO - so romantic!
Jan 28, 2025
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I have many Ideas. I ponder over them like an obsessive collector; organizing, re-organizing, packing them into words so the meaning is captured, transferable. Most of my transformative experiences are unexplainable - how does one capture the depth of a still, silent night? The whispering of leaves in warm summer breezes. Vague feelings of wholism while sitting in the grass, photosynthesizing like plant ancestors - a fish swims without direction. Many call it god but the church is alienating; the word massacred and butchered beyond the recognition of what it once meant.
One idea I have kept unmolested by the opinions of others, is that these holistic experiences in nature, with friends, live music shows, where the pulse of life beats strongly, are everything. An anchor point for a life well lived. Itās not enough to just be in nature, alchemizing the circumstance missing the key ingredient. A couple of friends and I went on a trip to where the ocean went on forever, unbroken horizon. We were down by the water, sunset and glistening, warmth of the sun and sand beneath my feet. But it was nothing more than looking. I did not have access to this other way of being - locked out, truthfully, by being eaten alive by the stress of exams and stewing in the feelings of being unlovable. It is somehow within you; the trees and ocean reflect it back to me. A quality of self brought out by sincerity and solitude. Itās everything, reflected in everything worthwhile.
Apr 17, 2024
For someone who claims to identify so closely with solitude, uncovering just how tethered I was to the emotions of people I love was a crispy realization. Of course, that attachment is the basis for any kind of relationship. You cannot claim to āhave someoneā in your life if you do not feel some kind of emotional connection towards them. The stronger the connection, the stronger the relationship. We all know this. However, there is something to be said about a relationship that is ātoo goodā; a bond so strong due to its shocking lack of tension. In hindsight of various broken and fragmented connections Iāve been apart of, any relationship that exists while remaining entirely unscathed now kind of terrifies me.
I believe there can be such a thing as ātoo much loveā, and I think those who have given or received it know when they have done so. Itās a mistake anyone is capable of making. Imagine a relationship so polished, free from any erosion (visible or otherwise); seemingly perfect. This type of connection can only be established through a building of trust and an abundance of time. However, Iāve come to learn that the more impeccable bonds tend to break easy when faced with their first real blow. Birds only crash into the cleanest of glass.
*"If music be the food of love, play on; / Give me excess of it...*"
I donāt want excess. For the food of love, I am no glutton. I eat until I am full and push my plate aside. I used to love like my life depended on it. I put those people whom I adored on the highest of pedestals, framed them in my gallery and admired new details every time we shared a visit. Maybe I just hadnāt been wronged enough to ever think that I could be wounded by those I dote on so heavily. What is it with loving and being loved that makes feeling hurt seem so impossible? Why must love shatter all preconceived expectations of what emotion is? Is love really so massive, so gargantuan that it conquers all other feeling?
Yes, and no. At least thatās what I think. This is all just what I think. I donāt want to come across as some great romantic or lovesick puppy or old friend. Iām just trying to figure out the right way to love, like everyone else.
Mar 16, 2025
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šŖ“
I know where I want to be and my heart does eager to remain there.
I belong to the sea. I belong to the greens, the grass, the sand, the water, the flora and the fauna.
I aspire to have a life where everyday I can plunge myself into a large sea, teeming with different shades of existence, gifted with diversity. The ocean may feel cold at first, but soon you will match its tempo and the world would start to become warmer.
I aspire to be able to freely step on the ground with my bare foot. To embrace nature by myself, anytime and every time.
Homeās everywhere but just like how I adore my own room, I will always seek for a particular spot of it.
Feb 2, 2025
Jan 30, 2025
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As a child, I have always loved the feeling of hair being gently detangled by someone that I trust. I like to think that there is so much more meaning to this action; the soft care that one has for another as they deliberately comb the other reaches as if the two shift to become more reliable for each other.
Simple actions of awareness can write so much inside someoneās mind, plainly just by little motions. The human mind is so complex but at the same time is so easily swayed by such easy stimuli.
If I had to fall asleep in a coma for an unknown period of time, I wish for my last consciousness to be spent as my lover caresses through my hair, expelling warmth and comfort. And for sure during the time of an endless void, their impact would be engraved in my brain, praying only for their well-being, ahead of mine.
Jan 30, 2025