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I have recently come to realize how meaningless and vain life can sometimes be, like going shopping, why can I afford to spend an insane amount on clothes and food while people on the other side of the world are starving for a piece of bread? Looking at life from a different perspective and realizing that the small things we complain about are nothing compared to what people have to endure in life, makes you grateful for what you have and mindful of what you spend. If you're always complaining about your life then when will you find time to enjoy it? reading this back makes me realize that I am not destined to be a writer. byee
Jan 7, 2025
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I am constantly having an existential crisis and I don't know what to make of it. I've realized that all I want in life is to find my purpose here and do something that leaves an impact. To do that I've realized that I've got to detach myself from things and people important to me
Jan 10, 2025
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got my a.a., was gonna go to my state school and finish up my bachelor's and then covid happened. at the time i had sort of promising prospects as a freelancer and covid college was making me want to die, so i quit and just leaned in to the independent work that i was already doing.
those prospects quickly evaporated, so initially this seemed like a pretty tremendous mistake. i became a self-taught software developer just in time for the age of "self-taught software developer gets $70k job" to end, and i became a semi-professional writer just in time for almost every reputable publication in the universe to spontaneously combust and for the few that remain to start paying, like, $0.00000000001 cents a word. i beat myself up about it for a while
five years later, it seems like i actually did end up making the right choice in the long run. not only am i able to feed myself (finally) but also because i ended up building the rudiments of a career in a cave from a box of scraps i found myself with a tremendous amount of creative freedom. i felt like i was wasting my life because i wasn't achieving the "standard" life accomplishments that my peers were, but i realize now that i was frontloading a lot of the bullshit that most other people spread out evenly throughout their lives. it's only just now (last ~18 months) that i've started to see the dividends of all the grinding that i've been doing, and it's all coming all at once.
as for if i have any insight for your situation, it's hard to say. i've the sort of freak who has always had a very clear idea for the lifestyle i want and the discrete things i want to accomplish in the world before i am dead - my problem always has been figuring out the path to get there. i gather for most people it's the opposite problem - they know what path they're "supposed" to take but don't really know what they want to do when they get to the end. what do you want *your* life to look like?
May 29, 2025
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This might not necessarily apply to your situation, but I figured I’d share my thoughts anyway.
Often I think we buy into narratives we impose on ourselves about what will make us truly happy or content. People spend a lot of their lives chasing some lofty goal, often at great personal cost, both mental and physical. And once they get there, the result might not even be that great. There might be some complications that were never considered. Or, the day-to-day reality of the dream made manifest isn’t as glamourous or fulfilling as we thought it would be.
I’m not saying you need to disregard your aspirations. But I think it’s good to have an open mind about potential futures, even beyond what you see as being immediately fulfilling, or the “truest” version of yourself. I know it’s hard in our world to conceive of our self-worth outside of what we spend a great deal of our time doing. At the same time, I think it’s possible to strike a balance between what we think we want and what ends up making us happy.
Hope that makes sense.
Nov 7, 2024
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I LOVE cleaning my room. its so satisfying
Jan 7, 2025
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started watching Poldark because of Aiden Turner, and someone on Reddit shared the view that it was a show in which things just happen and they didn't particularly find it interesting enough to continue watching, I thought that was the stupidest thing ever because isn't that what a show is supposed to be, a story where things happened. Well, I recently started watching Outlander, and only now I realize what the Redditor was trying to say. Both the shows set in the 18th century with quite similar conflicts would make you believe that both are one and the same, but unlike Poldark Outlander keeps you hooked with a strong story pace and dramatic conflicts while the issues and plot points in Poldark got repetitive and quite honestly boring.
Jan 18, 2025