i think my main resolution is to come to some sort of internal conclusion with myself, that being me is o.k.
iāve spent a considerably sized amount of my time on earth (a mere 16 years) picking all the facets of myself apart; why am i this way? what is the cause of my action and reaction? etc.
i would like to practice some gratitude surrounding the fact that through hardships and self curated issues i am me. i am the beautiful and flawed by-product of every stupid decision ive made and maybe im not perfect in my own vision, and yet i am, nevertheless.
i do not have to perfectly fit this strange list of categories to be a cool person, to be a good person.
and then perhaps my second resolution is to find a passion.
over the last few years of pulling myself out of slumps i seem to have lost any passions or sense of purpos. i have this strange deflated sort of career focus, but no hobbies. i work and i see my friends sometimes. i drink and i smoke, but i do not want to become what i have seen too many of my beautiful friends become. i need a silly hobby. maybe pottery, or cake decoration. something to distract me from the nine pills i take each morning just to keep me alive.
goodnight and happy new year.
Jan 2, 2025
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To be upfront, there are two things about myself that I love:
1. I'm tenacious AF
2. I am generally a positive person. I can handle almost any situtation, and I've had to learn to actually ask/demand more, so it's not always great.
With that being said, I've wanted to die many times. I've experienced a lot of trauma. I have PTSD for years. Things got to a point where I knew if I didn't make really drastic changes I was going to die in some way- I simply could not go on how I was.
The only thing that started to change things is when I started to learn more about myself and my reasons for doing things, being with certain people, getting into certain relationships. Part of my whole issue was that I had major trauma from childhood that I was actively avoiding. So many things happen to us as children, big and small, that we don't have the capacticy to deal with at the time. But as adults, we do.
I remember the moment where things started shifting for me. It unlocked a hunger in me to dig more and more to why I was the way I was, and why I made the choices I did, in a really deep way. I became more action oriented in facing my shit, healing it, and discovering what I was like without it. It definitely wasn't easy, and it wasn't fun most of the time, but in reality the years I spent doing that are small compared to the life I have ahead of me. I'm a whole new person, but the parts of me that are true are the same. I became a more mature, loving, responsible version of myself.
Hating your life is a sign something is not working. If you're unsure what that is, go inward. If you don't know where to start, think about the very next step. That's all you need to do. You're never locked in where you're at now forever. Don't know what you want to do for a career? Switch gears and do a completely different job. There is no timeline. You can literally do whatever you want. When I was doing a lot of the stressful inner work, I worked at animal shelters because I needed something so low stress. And I was mid 20's!!! No career goals in sight!!! Not even anywhere in my brain!!! If you're straight up hating something that is taking up most of your time... just quit it. Life is too short.
Success to me is ease and grace. I want a peaceful, joyful life (most of the time). Sometimes to figure out what you need to do, you gotta take a giant step back. Or a step to the left. Or take a big roundabout. Or maybe a quest needs to be taken...
Dec 4, 2024
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This will be a long one, sorry in advance. Coincidentally, I was recently going through all of my bookshelves to sort what Iām keeping and what Iām giving away. I found some older journals of mine; Iām historically very bad at keeping journals but I always try and usually manage a few to even several months of some years. Looking back at them was bittersweet because I was in the same boat, severely depressed most years and wondering what the point of anything was. But at the same time, I got to see things like old bucket lists I made myself and all of the things Iāve checked off. It was an interesting moment of considering what my younger self would be thinking of me and what Iāve done in the years since whichever year it each book was from.
While I wouldnāt say time makes everything better, I will say that when you just keep pushing through eventually there comes a point where youāre more at peace than ever and you donāt even realize it at first. I donāt think thereās one universal āMeaning of life,ā but I do think the human experience is so complex and we have to teach ourselves to give our self some grace.Ā Ā
A few years ago I was at an all time high for stress, I have an autoimmune disease and the flare ups were only worsened by the stress, anxiety, and depression I was feeling, I felt burnt out and like I had put my whole life on hold for other people. Iāve since learned that while it sounds funny on the internet, free will is a beautiful thing. Choosing where and with who you spend your energy, doing things just for the love of doing them, traveling even if itās by yourself, taking yourself out to dinner or cooking for one. Iāve learned that thereās no point feeling embarrassment or anxiety about doing things by myself because really no one is paying that much attention or judging in the first place, but I also tell myself things like āyouāll never see these people again anyway, who cares,ā lol. A big one for me personally was learning boundaries and gray rockingā donāt let other peopleās emotions, moods, and manipulative behaviors dictate the way youāre feeling. But all of these little, seemingly inconsequential in the grand scheme of things (especially when youāre depressed), things that I was teaching myself along the way really helped me learn to start living for myself rather than for other people or any huge existential purpose.Ā
So, while your question was āwhatās the meaning lifeā and I donāt think anyone has a concrete answer, my unsolicited advice is that you have to keep learning yourself. How do you want to spend your time? What things spark joy for you? What things make you feel worse? Try new foods and experience new places, learn, go to museums. Pick up a new hobby. Go out in nature more, sometimes sitting in the sunshine really does wonders.
Alright, Iāll stop my little tangent now, but wishing the bestš«¶š»
Apr 10, 2025
I've been in a rut since October and I have been too paralysed by guilt and depression to build back up. But I'm getting there.
I'm in therapy to work through things and tackle some behavioural issues. I have a bunch of concerts on the horizon that I bought tickets to when I was Really Deep In It and just needed to fill my calendar with things to look forward to, and I'm starting to feel the excitement for them. Ive been resetting my wardrobe with some thrifted/second hand shopping and i'm going to a big vintage fair in The Big City near my birthday.
The cats I live with are starting to trust me and I'm starting to be a better roommate, both in terms of being sociable and contributing to chores and such.
I still have a long way to go, but considering that not even three weeks ago I could barely get out of bed, this is an improvement. I'm working towards the goals I have set to better myself, and I'm doing what I can to keep myself going while I work towards being capable of doing more good. I can't do better if I never Do Anything, so I need to trust myself to do things again š¤·āāļø
Mar 6, 2025
Top Recs from @alittlebitofaioli
holllllyyyy shit. dudes got crazy talent.
beautiful lyrics and backing. wow i cry ridiculously often listenjng to this.
Jan 3, 2025
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what the heck happened to penpals ?
Jan 2, 2025
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ok first of all i get it- itās awful.
honestly, i think of my work day like my own version of a "papas pizzeria" in which the pizzas are customers unfolding my perfect piles of clothing, you know?
Jan 3, 2025