i’ve spent most of my life searching for romantic love and thinking something was wrong with me because i never got it. i prayed even though i’m not religious, i had a box filled with manifestations of the “perfect” guy under my pillow, i tried to go after guys i knew were meh because i thought u could make the love blossom, i did honey jar spells, i changed the way i looked, the way i spoke, my interests, i did EVERYTHING. this all resulted in a slew of horrendous situationships that tore down my self-esteem. after these, i definitely worked on myself and became much more confident and sure of myself, but still thought that a relationship would be the thing to make me truly happy. at 20, i had my first real boyfriend and he was “perfect”, or at least everything i thought i had ever wanted. he was attractive, tried to pay for everything, planned the most thoughtful dates, went out of his way to see me, was incredibly intelligent, kind, loyal, hardworking, took care of me when i was sick, and even respected the fact that i’m entirely celibate (like what 20 y/o guy is ok w that??). i ended up breaking up with him after a few months because i realized that a relationship was not what i actually wanted or needed, it was just what i thought about 24/7. not saying this is you, but the steps i took after our breakup might help with your situation. diversify and expand your sources of happiness/love as no one source will make you feel truly fulfilled. i started by doing 4 things: something that expanded my mind, something that earned me money, something that fulfilled me creatively, and something that fed me spiritually. for me this was college classes, a job at a restaurant, painting, hanging out with the people that i love more often, and joining a bunch of clubs at my school. i think our society places so much emphasis on romantic love, but other types, especially the love i receive from my friends has been the most unconditional and satiating. lastly, (again not saying this is you, it’s just a common reality) expecting one person to satisfy all of your need for love is not only dangerous for you (if they leave, you’ll be crushed) but also unfair to them. maybe i‘m just yapping to yap, but i hope this was helpful.
