I often find myself at constant battle with my brain and self. Its a constant reoccurring thing when I find myself in a new setting, surrounded by new people, a new experience overall. I know that my emotions shouldn't be hard to regulate, so why are they?
In a sense it may be hormonal, but it doesn't explain how it makes be feel small, the squeeze of my heart when I sense a change of tone, or the urge to question everything.
It is tiring, the need to make sure dozens of times I'm not hated or people are just being kind out of pity. I'm aware that the world must be constantly spinning and it harbors no love for a single individual, but god does the feeling of being lonely and not vied for constantly make me feel alien. Some moments I feel like a saint for being welcomed while others make me feel like a devil for even feeling anything negative.
What is the use of being somewhere if you are to be forgotten?
Maybe I'm vain, a coward, or both. I don't necessarily need validation yet I want it. I wish to be cradled, spoiled if you will and told that yes, I am totally correct in the way others view me and vice versa. But alas, that's not the way to cookie crumbles.
The world as I stated previously does not harbor love for a single individual and will keep spinning, and in turn it is your job to keep up. To stay behind or move forward is your choice. One second it may seem as the world stops just for you, only to pick up again in it's fast pace momentarily after.
Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling foreign where I should be at home, but doesn't everyone from time to time?