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Love is so often mistaken for possession and enmeshment. I am yours. You are mine. Two souls, one body. No clear distinction between where one person begins and the other ends. But this isnāt love as I have come to know it. Love is about caring for someone, not only for their sameness, but their differences as well. Itās supporting them when they move closer to you and when their happiness requires they take steps away. Itās a dance of moving apart and coming back together, trusting your partner enough to let go of their hand with the faith that theyāll return.
Thatās what love is to me. It is about supporting the whole of another and what is good for them, not just the parts of them that overlap with you and your needs. Itās not transactional, where their purpose is to fulfill all of your needs and ācompleteā you. A relationship is a collaborative effort: a joint, creative project of countless possibilities.
For the last several years, Iāve practiced relationship anarchy. RA is often associated with ethical non-monogamy but it's more than a dating style. It's a philosophy that seeks to understand and challenge many of the power dynamics at play in our interpersonal relationships. Yes, it is about how we relate to our lovers, but also our friends, our animal companions, the environment, and even ourselves.
Personally, RA has transformed much of my life. It's strengthened my relationship with my partner, it's deepened my friendships - including those with my animal friends - and helped me appreciate the value of community. I donāt expect everyone to align with RA, but I do recommend learning to love others as whole people and not merely as objects to project your deepest desires and fears on to.
Nov 24, 2024
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Sometimes I get caught up chasing ideals of love. Growing up with immigrant parents in the US, I wished my parents showed me love the way my friends' parents did. My parents seemed cold in comparison to the affection I saw my friends receiving. I fell for best friends who did love me but never enough and never in the ways I wanted them to.
Nowadays I have grown to appreciate the ways in which my parents do show me love -- when they ask if I've eaten or when I dye my mom's hair as she peels me oranges. Friendship to me no longer needs to be tied up in such rigid binaries. It's not the label of a relationship I'm after but rather just the intimacy of knowing other people. I try not to focus so much on how I wish to be loved by other people and instead pay attention to all the different ways I am loved. Acting with a mindset of abundance rather than scarcity. And in that way, everything feels enough.
Disclaimer: Establishing boundaries is paramount. Love that is corrosive or manipulative is not love.
Feb 1, 2024
now i am a very lucky person because i am in love with some who was once one of my best friends. (sadly this rec probably isnāt universally applicable but contains good lessons i hope!) iād met him during the first week of freshman year of college, and we immediately became close. hung out a ton and related on a lot of issues/values but our interactions were always platonic.
by wintertime we were being seen together around campus a ton, to the point that our acquaintances started asking whether we were a couple. weād laugh at the idea, even joking about it ourselves. oh how oblivious we were.
spring rolled around and i suddenly caught feelings. for a couple weeks i tried to convince myself i didnāt like him because i was so afraid of losing our beautiful friendship. i thought it impossible that he would feel the same as me. yes, pretty torturous!! alas, my Emotional Suppression didnāt work. thank god, because one night when we were hanging out in my room he finally kissed me. i had been so afraid but instantly i knew it was right. the risk was worth it.
weāve now been together for almost two years and he is truly the love of my life. he is the best risk Iāve ever taken. yes this is so platitudinous, but sometimes love comes when you least expect it and appears in odd places!
more generally, i think
- looking for people whose values align with yours is a wonderful place to start establishing intimate and long-lasting relationships, both platonic and romantic.
- itās never worthwhile to force something to work out if your gut tells you itās wrong ā youāre worth more than that. love doesnāt thrive when itās fed by obligation and pressure.
- donāt be afraid to present yourself in your full authenticity to others. if someone else has a problem with You in your Grandest Expression, theyāre not worth your energy. love is meant to affirm and expand who you are, not place boundaries on it.
- go on self dates and explore what it means to have a loving relationship with yourself! you, as a singular self, are already whole and enough without having a partner. you are complete as a baseline regardless of your relationship status; a partner is meant to complement and embrace this wholeness!!
love is ridiculous and hard and beautiful; trust it when you feel it!!
Nov 10, 2024
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Maybe one day I'll share the cinematic story of how we got together, but I feel compelled to share more about our relationship now.
We've been together 10 years, and every day we're still looking at each other like this š. We love each other, but we also like, respect, and care for each other. It's not that we don't have conflict or get annoyed, but rather we just talk things through.. kindly.. respectfully.. even when angry. I truly didn't know relationships like this actually existed before we started dating, and that's why I married him even though long term commitment was scary!!!
Relationships need to be fed. Every day we show affection physically and verbally, every day we share our appreciation for each other. We've been through so much individually and together but we've always been on each other's side, even if we didn't fully agree. We leave space to each of us to be who we are, but also help each other grow where it's needed. We both feel like we've married up and lowkey kind of are obsessed with each other. I love being in partnership with him.
This isn't an attempt to paint me, us, or our marriage as perfect. Nothing ever is. I just want people to know that it's possible to be with someone long term and give and receive love. Being with someone is a choice, and it takes work, but overall it should be fun and easy! Who knew!!!
May 27, 2025
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Iām not a parent and do not plan to be. Kids can wear me out fast with their high energy and noise level; it leaves me very over-stimulated. But itās pretty extreme when people say they āhate kidsā and I often feel itās a reflection of their childhood and beliefs around how kids āshould be.ā That they were expected to be quiet, obedient, and out of the way by their parents when they were little.
Itās fucking hard to be a kid. Youāre dealing with a rapidly-changing body and underdeveloped brain, managed by flawed adults who are enforcing boundaries that you do not understand. Itās confusing and hard to manage your feelings and honestly just a lot.
People are impatient with kids when theyāre brand new to the world and figuring it all out, and this is a time kids need a friend the most. Children can also be teachers to adults with how they are less habituated to the world. They teach us how to be free and open-hearted and silly and imaginative.
A good practice is to be kinder and gentler with kids. If that feels difficult, start with gentleness toward your inner child. Maybe thatās the child in your life that needs your attention and kindness most.
Apr 16, 2025
May 6, 2025
I meant to post this yesterday. Absolutely beautiful morning for walk.
This morning is also beautiful but in a spring rain kind of way.
Mar 23, 2025