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lately I've felt something new growing behind my heart, kind of near the back by my spine. It's a mass of feeling that a new internal shift is coming, something that will break the mental cycle I've been stuck in since 2020. When I was younger, life felt like it was constantly changing, I was constantly moving in the correct direction. However the last four years have felt like I have been standing at the station, waiting for my train to arrive. But when it does, I watch the doors close over and over again as I tell myself not to worry, I'll catch the next one. Maybe soon I'll find the energy to lift my foot and take the step on.
Jul 8, 2024

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when things are just going so well that you get scared as hell waiting for it all to fall apart. It’s a normal feeling, but a dirty, nasty thief of joy. Don’t let it convince you to borrow grief from the future and ruin the now.
also, I moved a hell of a lot growing up too and I also thought I wanted to root myself in one place forever and ever when I “grew up” — it was just an outsized response to the reality of my moment. As an adult, I get itchy when I stay in one place too long and I’m realizing that a substantial part of who I am will always have 1 eye on the horizon. I’m figuring out how to make peace with that now. I’m also leaning into the fact that I am much more comfortable with change than most of my peers! it can be a super power if you let it :)
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thinking if I give my brain and body space, they will simply feel inspiration, joy, excitement, curiosity, wonder, when the time is right. i’ve made a lot of big, honest, and tumultuous changes this year all after seeing parts of myself more clearly, and redirecting w that clarity towards a more beautiful joyful passionate loving life.
although short term im tapped out in most ways and fully oscillating between numb and overstimulated, I’ve set out the nets and these things will swim happily over to me when ready. trying to let that be
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I allow myself to move through ny life at breakneck speed in order to get to the next “thing”— whether thats a job, life stage, relationship, goal, etc.. i have been doing this since I was 15. It wasn’t until this last summer/fall that I stopped to look around at the life I had built and fully feel everything! I enrolled in a grad program 2 years ago, at the encouragement of my partner, and this past fall I really started to see myself in this career. I feel energized by my work and research, I feel cared for by my department. I feel like a fulfilling career is awaiting me, yet I am taking the time to feel settled in my current service job and internship, careful not to rush past the mundanity and sweetness of my life now. I have everything ahead of me, truly what is my hurry?
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I suffer from "starting something new panic", which is where I overthink before starting something new because what if it's not good enough or witty enough or creative enough or smart enough or captivating enough or what if I don't stick with it long enough that I just avoid it all together. But sometimes, if not always, you should start something simply for sake of getting the start out of the way.
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