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lately I've felt something new growing behind my heart, kind of near the back by my spine. It's a mass of feeling that a new internal shift is coming, something that will break the mental cycle I've been stuck in since 2020. When I was younger, life felt like it was constantly changing, I was constantly moving in the correct direction. However the last four years have felt like I have been standing at the station, waiting for my train to arrive. But when it does, I watch the doors close over and over again as I tell myself not to worry, I'll catch the next one. Maybe soon I'll find the energy to lift my foot and take the step on.
Jul 8, 2024
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when things are just going so well that you get scared as hell waiting for it all to fall apart. It’s a normal feeling, but a dirty, nasty thief of joy. Don’t let it convince you to borrow grief from the future and ruin the now.
also, I moved a hell of a lot growing up too and I also thought I wanted to root myself in one place forever and ever when I “grew up” — it was just an outsized response to the reality of my moment. As an adult, I get itchy when I stay in one place too long and I’m realizing that a substantial part of who I am will always have 1 eye on the horizon. I’m figuring out how to make peace with that now. I’m also leaning into the fact that I am much more comfortable with change than most of my peers! it can be a super power if you let it :)
Dec 29, 2024
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I allow myself to move through ny life at breakneck speed in order to get to the next “thing”— whether thats a job, life stage, relationship, goal, etc.. i have been doing this since I was 15. It wasn’t until this last summer/fall that I stopped to look around at the life I had built and fully feel everything! I enrolled in a grad program 2 years ago, at the encouragement of my partner, and this past fall I really started to see myself in this career. I feel energized by my work and research, I feel cared for by my department. I feel like a fulfilling career is awaiting me, yet I am taking the time to feel settled in my current service job and internship, careful not to rush past the mundanity and sweetness of my life now. I have everything ahead of me, truly what is my hurry?
Feb 19, 2025
i think settling into your life is a feeling that creeps up on you. as someone who struggles with being present, i need to constantly practise gratitude or even my dream life kinda passes me by. i think it's human nature to be constantly looking for the next best thing, but it takes a lot of awareness to realize you've already made it on so many facets. thinking about my younger self and the pride they'd feel looking at present me is grounding and brings me lots of perspective.
Feb 18, 2025
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I suffer from "starting something new panic", which is where I overthink before starting something new because what if it's not good enough or witty enough or creative enough or smart enough or captivating enough or what if I don't stick with it long enough that I just avoid it all together. But sometimes, if not always, you should start something simply for sake of getting the start out of the way.
Jun 6, 2024