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I think this is the first year I ever decided to stay home for pride in the past 10 years. I usually go to the parade or at least an event. Ever since I moved back to NJ from The City, I haven't felt like going out as much. Maybe its proximity to The City (not as convenient) or maybe I'm just older now but it feels as though all the pomp and circumstance that made Pride weekend so fun and coveted are gone.
So, this year, I decided to stay home.
Initially, I felt bad for not wanting to go out. But, as the day went on, I wasn't upset about it. In staying home, I got a chance to reflect on how far we've come as a community and my own personal journey in making peace with my own sexuality.
I watched "All of Us Strangers" this afternoon. The story is really timely for me personally as it talks about similar themes to those I was reflecting on throughout the day. If you haven't seen the film, I recommend that too.
In it the lead character goes through these emotionally harrowing situations that explore the primary theme of queer loneliness. The film definitely brought up some feelings around the language that we used and the ignorance of others, but it also showed me a glimpse of both a dream and a nightmare.
I promise, I'm not going to spoil the film for you. I honestly don't think that I could even if I wanted to. That said, it did remind me of the times where I thought my sexuality was a contributor to my loneliness. And, to a certain extent, it was. But I don't think it to be the sole contributing factor. This has more to do with the broader implications of personage.
Beyond my queerness, there is blackness, there is masculinity, there is femininity, there is language and culture. All things that inform a relationship and relationships. There are habits and values that contribute to our overall individuality. I think that's a larger contributor to loneliness.
We all have a list of non-negotiables. Those non-negotiables are symbols of our values and are the building blocks to finding alignment within a match. That said, it can become dangerous of some, if not most, when those non-negotiables are tied to unchanging aspects of a person's identity. Unfortunately, in our society, these are the exact non-negotiables the pervade our society. These ideals then become internalized for the individual which leads to loneliness. It is through the unlearning of these "preferences" and norms that then break down those walls of loneliness and allow us to let people in, be present, and open to something new.
Loneliness is a feeling I think everyone can identify with but I think there is something very specific about queer loneliness. This stems from the dual phenomenon of being both an outsider and an active member of community. It's like being in a club for years and having no friends to show for it.
I don't know if there's a remedy to the queer loneliness epidemic. What I do know is that is giving a name to things helps us to identify these personal issues and find a way forward. In the end, I've come to the conclusion that this way forward comes from radical self-acceptance. It's a practice that is easier said than done, admittedly, but it can be done.
I know for sure I'm not there yet but I keep trying. My first step? Staying home for Pride this year.
Jul 1, 2024
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You have to force yourself to tackle the hard thing, whatever that means to you. Because the more difficult thing, it’s probably the right thing, or the thing your life needs. I think for me, the hard thing was to submerge myself into genuine solitude. And I’m not talking about like, My Year of Rest and Relaxation or Leaving Las Vegas type solitude… And I am definitely not talking about anything related to the type of seclusion that came with quarantine. The objective here isn’t to isolate yourself to the point of total deterioration or to reject the people who love you. It’s about stomaching the feelings of loneliness that come with deep personal reflection. It’s about enduring the self-imposed boredom that comes with getting to know yourself without any external influence. It’s not about being physically alone (though it is a part of it), it’s just about finding ways to be alone with yourself and who you are, the good and the bad, and really admitting to the bad. And then, what was at first so uncomfortable and sort of embarrassing to undertake will eventually become easy-normal. Everything outside of your solitude becomes so peripheral it’s hard to remember when you existed right in the center of it all. And some people, the ones who really do buy into their socio-infallibility, will probably, yeah, consider you some misanthropic outcast! But, what my friend and I like to joke about as being misanthropy is actually just self-awareness and conviction, and belief in the improvability of everything that is or can be wrong with oneself or others... The world feels constantly disappointing, and people are disappointing, and you’re disappointing, and I am definitely disappointing… But all of that can be improved upon and then improved even more, and more and more… But you can’t improve anything about yourself until you know what it is that needs improving. And even then, knowing is only the first step, knowing doesn’t mean anything if you don’t do something about it. So if any of this applies to you, maybe think about it, do something about it. Leave, find solitude, change what needs to be changed, even if it’s really, really, hard to do that. And most importantly… embrace your cynicism in positive ways instead of in ways that honestly just fucking suck!
Oct 13, 2022
Since some big life changes that have left me feeling incredibly alone. I’ve had time to reflect on it and I wanted to share what has helped me so far..
1. loneliness, in its solitude, is an emotion, a way in which we feel. I’ve found it so difficult to stop thinking ‘I have no one and I am alone’. but try to replace it with ‘I am feeling lonely right now, how can I stop this?’ Everything is temporary, including this feeling.
2. Find autonomy with your time. When I became lonely I soon became depressed. A vicious cycle of feeling lonely but only refining yourself to your bed and room. You don’t need to do things with people to help this feeling. Just do the thing! find hobbies and activities that you enjoy first. It gives you more autonomy and confidence.
3. You probably don’t need that person that you think will ‘fix’ the problem. How you feel should not be dependent on anyone but yourself.
Any other tips? I still feel like shit. It’s just some realisations I’ve had.
*pic because nice*
Jan 8, 2025
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A little personal, but being non-binary, I grew up very dissociated from my body and my time, so I don’t remember a good chunk of my formative years and have retained none of my hobbies. Recently tho, I have been trying to piece myself back together, so I have been spending a lot of time on my own. Another thing about me is that I have crushes everywhere I go, so I spend a lot of time loving others. After breaking-up with an ex that made me feel very neglected qnd unappreciated, I decided that I was going to give myself as much love and attention as I give my crushes and lovers. This has changed me.
I just let myself feel my feelings and get carried away by them. I get myself little treats and flowers, I get myself little treats and gifts. I organize little fun dates/plans for myself where I engage in new hobbies. Small manageable things that don’t feel too overwhelming to learn, like decorating Altoids tins with collage or journaling. By letting myself navigate the world through my feelings, I’ve discovered what I like, dislike, and developed little rituals and habits that I can then tell other about and share.
Social media has helped me that way, surprisingly. I treat my instagram like a scrap book and use it to document my feelings with shitposts and photos; the visual story telling makes me appreciate the little things. Pinterest allows me to collect things I like and develop a taste with no effort and no consequences, and I end up with huge pin boards full of pictures and art I love and that make me feel particular things I can name and explore. This app has been good for that too.
It takes time, love, self-compassion, and trust. Trust that the love others give you is legitimate. Trust that you are liked for a genuine reason. Trust that the mundane is magical by itself, love it for that. Trust that you don’t need to be special to be worthy of love, you can just be a person and that’s really cool <3
Mar 11, 2024
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Overall Review:
Alright, let's talk Kehlani. Whenever I talk about Kehlani there are 2 elements that stand out to me: Lyrics and background vocals and this album was no exception. From start to finish, her Brandy-inspired harmonies push the compelling stories of love, freedom, and the inherent power of feminine energy and women globally. With heavy collaboration with DIXON, there is much to be said for the production with this project.
The overall vibe of the album I got was "Ladies, I'm single and ready to be outside this Summer. You coming?" and I couldn't love it more.
Jul 1, 2024