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one of the most important things, perhaps the most important thing I have learned in my life is that nice people can fuck each other up in monstrous ways. people can be bone deep kind and loving and self reflective and still lash out under pressure. people can be earnestly neighbourly and charitable and hospitable and generous and still find themselves in situations where they become selfish. people can be well meaning and easygoing and gregarious and hold deep seated opinions that turn them into vicious little bullies under the right conditions. nobody is just one thing, and nobody stays one way. every person is a kaleidoscope and they will surprise you. you will surprise yourself. it's not a warning and it's not a judgement and it's not an excuse, and it's certainly not a reason to stop trying or to stop trusting. it is just a fact.
Jun 9, 2024

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When I think about it, I think most of my nostalgia stems from being a child because I was unequivocally aware that I was filled with joy and trusting my present state. I was able to thrive in naivety because I was around people who had my best interest at heart. I didn't feel heartbreak simply because I was a child and had no purpose to date. I never felt true betrayal (even on the contrary of my second grade best friend randomly becoming my third grade bully...or attempted bully). My friends lived next door and on hot summer days we stayed outside from sun up til the street lights came on. Riding around the neighborhood on our bikes, buying candy from the corner store, then playing hopscotch with the bigger kids across the street. The nostalgia to truly feel free from the complexities that I face daily with interactions. I look back and my sisters and brothers were always around. I think about the days where we danced and sang songs. Never aware that that day was the last day where we are under the same roof, laughing and mocking but with so much love in our hearts that we don't care. We just feel good.
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come over, spark a joint, lay with me on my living room floor, mention how good it feels to love again, tell me that you'll show me your scars if I show you mine.
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one day you’ll yearn for the person you are now, to tell them, "hey, look, it turned out to be okay" and "i’m so grateful you’ve held on" and "things just worked out somehow". you’ll want to hold their hand and give them the wisdom that the future is actually better, and you know it because you’re living it. but you can’t reach through time like that. the only way to bridge the gap between the you of today and the you who’s doing better, is to hold onto the hope that they exist. 
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