i wrote this about three years ago, and it’s definitely not great but something about it feels satisfying. i hope you enjoy it!
May 13, 2024
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i don't write often but the second half surprised me, i like it a lot. maybe i'll keep working on it
i’m not interested in a career
never have been
i don’t want to devote my time
i wanna have it
things spin around me
they evolve and they live
so much going on at the edges
but i’m stuck on the axis
i cry and whine about it
but what am i actually doing
surely i just have to.. start
if only i could lift my limbs
why is it so goddamn hard
i just need another excuse
why can’t my brain process failure
i just need to be good and i’ll do it
yeah i’m a creative person
i have a guitar and some watercolors
and 5 unfinished sketchbooks
tucked away in a closet
maybe i just have to branch out
don’t have to be in it, i can be around it
don’t ask me to talk to new people though
don’t ask me to follow up
tick tock time’s a ticking
you already lost 3 years, why are you waiting
it’s already too late, sit tight
maybe in another life
May 14, 2024
important part of moving on for me…getting the story on the page solidifies it, encases it in amber, makes it no longer something alive in your head. try it and see‼️
Jan 20, 2025
i forgot my headphones at home. i was about to either
1) pump black country new road
2) watch brooklyn 99.
i miss being passionate about things, not being able to sleep, eat, speak,
or fathom anything beyond the apple
of my eye and the fruit of my thoughts.
i miss waking up with one thing in mind, how i would explore it that day, and how i would explore it the next
it’s been people
it’s been sewing
guitar
driving
religion
philosophy
photography
writing
filming
blogging
i think, regardless of any tik tok data explosion with the intention of ripping out each of my brain cells to keep me submissive and docile because of a wrecked attention span, i’m not a girl of her commitments- i get bored.
and i am bored. i feel this lack of passion so deeply in my body, its been a catalyst for the recent crashouts ive had ( and there’s been plenty) i don’t know how to stay, and work hard, and allow myself to grow to what i want to be right in this instance. not to shine my own shoes, but i’m not super used to being bad at things. i’ve always always always coasted, and now that im trying to be a gaf (give a fuck) filled girl, ive realized, sucking at something hurts a lot more when you’ve put in the work to be good at it.
if it wasn’t me writing this, and my best friend called me and told me this word for word, i would tell her how normal that feeling was, and that she herself knew what to do; commit. and that is my advice, dear sweet amalia, commit, commit, commit.
Feb 18, 2025
Top Recs from @caldwell05
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i love you dale cooper, i love you laura palmer, i love you hawk and lucy and annie and harry s. trueman. i love you denise, and the bald man whose name i can’t remember
Oct 23, 2024
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literally sounds so funny and interesting and i think they could all carry a fun conversation
Jul 6, 2024
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My ex-friend used to play SZA so much so I could never listen to it without thinking of her, but now I'm enjoying SZA's music for me!
Jan 29, 2025