because I simply know too much. But I do also fear that faeries will entice me into their world and Iāll forget that I shouldnāt eat their food because it looks so good and then Iāll become trapped there forever.
In my first appointment with my beloved former therapist I told her I donāt like to keep a diary because what if my work is published posthumously against my will like Emily Dickinson or Franz Kafka and she went āhmm imagined audienceā as she scribbled notes.
Every time I feel an unfamiliar sensation in my body I have to talk myself down from thinking Iām dying but Iāve gotten pretty skilled at beating that one back.
Iām still pretty afraid of ovens to this day after seeing my mom light her hair on fire while pulling a turkey outāTWICE!
Apr 23, 2024
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Feeling scared.
Iām scared of Whole Foods. Iām scared of claustrophobia and of wide open spaces. Iām scared of kneeling on the floor, scared of bleeding and of bruises. Iām scared of research and of door latches and locksmiths and their drills. Iām scared of all the days of the week except for Thursday. At least I used to be before Thursday came and smiled and showed me her claws too. Iām scared of islands and of mountains and of soft sand beaches. Iām scared of trails and of highways and homesteads and high rises. Iām scared of plastic and of metal and shoepolish and crayola tempura paint. Iām scared of sugar and of lemons and plates that spark in the microwave. We used to eat off of Elvisās face, serve salad on The Kiss, used to kiss on the couch but Iām scared of that too now. Iām scared of factories and farms, greenhouses and your little fire escape. Scared of pencils and switchblades and feather boas, feather dusters. I never knew I was allergic to dust until a week ago when they took my blood and spun it twelve times fast.
Feb 4, 2025
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and Iāve always said that
Jun 1, 2024
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i wrote a poem about this when i was still juvenile in my journey of writing poems but i personify fear like that and it's always nice to personify emotions so that they live in my mindspace BUT what if they turn sentient and AI gets to extract them and make them alive!!!!!
May 9, 2024
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āLife shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.ā
ā AnaĆÆs Nin
This is uncharacteristically raw and personal, even for me, and pretty heavy! I know many of you have seen me posting through it and I feel safe to talk about it openly now that Iāve safely landed at the start of my new life. Itās honestly even a little bit embarrassing but I think itās important to share.
Iāve never publicly mentioned it on here, but I have a husband; as of Friday, weād have been together for 11 years, and weāve been married for 3 years as of 2/22. I realize now that I wanted to explore what I looked like outside of my relationship with him because I had lost that. This is why PI.FYI has been so meaningful to me as a space to express myself and connect with peopleāto rediscover my voice.
I had been living a lie this entire time, to others but worst of all to myself. Heās been verbally and emotionally abusive, physically but without touching me, to the point that every day I spent with him I was in danger. Iāve been shrinking myself and walking on eggshells to avoid making him insecure and provoking his casual put-downs and fits of rage, while hanging on for dear life to the threads of good I could see.
Iāve wanted so badly to leave, more than anything, but I felt like there was no way out and that this was just something I would need to endure indefinitelyābut someone who is so very dear to me helped me see that I have wings to fly, not by acting as my savior but by reminding me of my own power. The emotional safety they built and the gentle care they showed me made me feel like I could open up to them. With their encouragement I was brave enough to tell the truth to my friends, my family, my boss, and they have received me with warm, loving and open arms and rallied to support and protect me. The financial andĀ logistical aspects were the most intimidating to me and itās going to be tough for a while but Iām going to be better than okay!
Now Iām opening up to you. This isnāt the only abuse Iāve suffered in my life, and my old therapist told me she believed it was my mission to share my strength and light with others to inspire them and show them that change is possible.
I hope that by sharing this, I can reach even just one person who is going through something similar and show that they are not alone, and they are not weak. People with certain backgrounds may be more vulnerable to abuse, but it can happen to anyone. It thrives in darkness, shame, and isolationāand breaking that silence is the first step toward freedom.
Leaving is the scariest thing I have ever done but I have so many angels around me, and I am endlessly grateful. Thank you for being here with me š
Mar 16, 2025
My dad teases me about how when I was a little kid, my favorite thing to do when I was on the landline phone with somebodyābe it a relative or one of my best friendsāwas to breathlessly describe the things that were in my bedroom so that they could have a mental picture of everything I loved and chose to surround myself with, and where I sat at that moment in time. Perfectly Imperfect reminds me of that so thanks for always listening and for sharing with me too š
Feb 23, 2025
Schedule sent my resignation email for the morning, effective immediately ā
š
Feb 27, 2025