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š£
can the incredibly talented tap in here if you think you can do absolutely anything ? When was the last time you were hit with a āfail gradeā to your face ?
In my case, my boat was floating along peacefully. when faced with consistent failures, I stuff them down down down. Almost between my toes. Anyways, I begun doing yoga again, and I see my feet close to my face often now. Blood flow goes from my legs to my head. I am thinking of the solid gold ring that just slipped off when my fingers lost all feeling while I had dipped it into Pangong tso. It is now on the way to a river in China. I am thinking of my favourite ikea glass goblet, which I broke carelessly and which I then quickly stashed in a corner Iāll never have to see again. I am thinking of my English teacher I without a cent of shame sucked up to telling me Iām good in the subject but my spelling isā¦ horrifyingly bad. Thank god I write on my phone now and I have autocorrect, Mrs Aida. Mayby my best talent of all is coping. Today I failed my bike practical. which seemed unreal, because in which universe do I fail something I completely picked out of the blue? When I do fail, thatās when I flee the scene of crime. Iām not even there. I am elsewhere, i am my gold ring now on a journey to a shore where my failure has not even been dreamt of.
But thatās all in my mind. i am unfortunately, very much solid and corporeal. Though half my mind lags remaining in yonder land, my other half, stubborn mind went on to book my bike practical again. If anyone can pass a test for something they spontaneously picked up, itās the tremendously, shockingly, average at everything kids who wake up everyday powered by raw, undiluted audacity. Now that is anything but average.
In my case, my boat was floating along peacefully. when faced with consistent failures, I stuff them down down down. Almost between my toes. Anyways, I begun doing yoga again, and I see my feet close to my face often now. Blood flow goes from my legs to my head. I am thinking of the solid gold ring that just slipped off when my fingers lost all feeling while I had dipped it into Pangong tso. It is now on the way to a river in China. I am thinking of my favourite ikea glass goblet, which I broke carelessly and which I then quickly stashed in a corner Iāll never have to see again. I am thinking of my English teacher I without a cent of shame sucked up to telling me Iām good in the subject but my spelling isā¦ horrifyingly bad. Thank god I write on my phone now and I have autocorrect, Mrs Aida. Mayby my best talent of all is coping. Today I failed my bike practical. which seemed unreal, because in which universe do I fail something I completely picked out of the blue? When I do fail, thatās when I flee the scene of crime. Iām not even there. I am elsewhere, i am my gold ring now on a journey to a shore where my failure has not even been dreamt of.
But thatās all in my mind. i am unfortunately, very much solid and corporeal. Though half my mind lags remaining in yonder land, my other half, stubborn mind went on to book my bike practical again. If anyone can pass a test for something they spontaneously picked up, itās the tremendously, shockingly, average at everything kids who wake up everyday powered by raw, undiluted audacity. Now that is anything but average.
Apr 18, 2024
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i forgot my headphones at home. i was about to either
1) pump black country new road
2) watch brooklyn 99.
i miss being passionate about things, not being able to sleep, eat, speak, or fathom anything beyond the apple of my eye and the fruit of my thoughts.
i miss waking up with one thing in mind, how i would explore it that day, and how i would explore it the next
itās been people itās been sewing guitar driving religion philosophy photography writing filming blogging
i think, regardless of any tik tok data explosion with the intention of ripping out each of my brain cells to keep me submissive and docile because of a wrecked attention span, iām not a girl of her commitments- i get bored.
and i am bored. i feel this lack of passion so deeply in my body, its been a catalyst for the recent crashouts ive had ( and thereās been plenty) i donāt know how to stay, and work hard, and allow myself to grow to what i want to be right in this instance. not to shine my own shoes, but iām not super used to being bad at things. iāve always always always coasted, and now that im trying to be a gaf (give a fuck) filled girl, ive realized, sucking at something hurts a lot more when youāve put in the work to be good at it.
if it wasnāt me writing this, and my best friend called me and told me this word for word, i would tell her how normal that feeling was, and that she herself knew what to do; commit. and that is my advice, dear sweet amalia, commit, commit, commit.
i miss being passionate about things, not being able to sleep, eat, speak, or fathom anything beyond the apple of my eye and the fruit of my thoughts.
i miss waking up with one thing in mind, how i would explore it that day, and how i would explore it the next
itās been people itās been sewing guitar driving religion philosophy photography writing filming blogging
i think, regardless of any tik tok data explosion with the intention of ripping out each of my brain cells to keep me submissive and docile because of a wrecked attention span, iām not a girl of her commitments- i get bored.
and i am bored. i feel this lack of passion so deeply in my body, its been a catalyst for the recent crashouts ive had ( and thereās been plenty) i donāt know how to stay, and work hard, and allow myself to grow to what i want to be right in this instance. not to shine my own shoes, but iām not super used to being bad at things. iāve always always always coasted, and now that im trying to be a gaf (give a fuck) filled girl, ive realized, sucking at something hurts a lot more when youāve put in the work to be good at it.
if it wasnāt me writing this, and my best friend called me and told me this word for word, i would tell her how normal that feeling was, and that she herself knew what to do; commit. and that is my advice, dear sweet amalia, commit, commit, commit.
Rec
šŖ“Iām not going to call this gifted kid burnout which I think is often just a symptom of the popping of the bubble of peopleās confused delusions of grandeur because they didnāt realize that gifted education programs are at best a way of giving specialized and individualized education, and at worst a way of achieving legal segregation in schools.
Not to brag, but my therapist who specialized in EMDR therapy for treating people with trauma told me that I had the most difficult childhood of anyone she had ever treated. It was also filled with beauty and I was encouraged in my many skills and pursuits early on, but the inner rot of compounded repeated traumas, keeping secrets, and hiding my suffering eventually took hold.
I was always a good student but as things at home intensified I cared less and less. A teacher noticed this and tried to take advantage of my vulnerable state. This made matters more complicated for me because still to this day heās my favorite teacher that I ever had; he taught me much of what I know about writing and helped me to develop my skills.
After that, I spent my time in school just coasting along, putting in the minimal amount of effort to no fail. I had no goals or ambition. After graduation, I flitted from service job to service job. I started seeing my therapist and thinking about what I actually wanted to do.
I realized I had one exceptional skill which could be monetized to my advantage and I threw myself into it, grinding to make a living and improve my station in life. This worked and I live in decent material comfort, but Iāve realized the lifestyle I always thought I wanted isnāt what I want at all, so Iām reevaluating that and beginning to explore what that looks like.
There are several different exciting paths of progression my career could take, but Iām also finally working on creative projects for the first time in about a decade, so Iām going to see where life takes me. My best friend tells me I should become certified as a yoga teacher, and going back to school to study psychology and become a therapist would also be tight. I would love to seek a second career.
It took me a long time to get here but Iām trying to actualize and find purposeā¦ Something something Maslowās hierarchy of needs.
Not to brag, but my therapist who specialized in EMDR therapy for treating people with trauma told me that I had the most difficult childhood of anyone she had ever treated. It was also filled with beauty and I was encouraged in my many skills and pursuits early on, but the inner rot of compounded repeated traumas, keeping secrets, and hiding my suffering eventually took hold.
I was always a good student but as things at home intensified I cared less and less. A teacher noticed this and tried to take advantage of my vulnerable state. This made matters more complicated for me because still to this day heās my favorite teacher that I ever had; he taught me much of what I know about writing and helped me to develop my skills.
After that, I spent my time in school just coasting along, putting in the minimal amount of effort to no fail. I had no goals or ambition. After graduation, I flitted from service job to service job. I started seeing my therapist and thinking about what I actually wanted to do.
I realized I had one exceptional skill which could be monetized to my advantage and I threw myself into it, grinding to make a living and improve my station in life. This worked and I live in decent material comfort, but Iāve realized the lifestyle I always thought I wanted isnāt what I want at all, so Iām reevaluating that and beginning to explore what that looks like.
There are several different exciting paths of progression my career could take, but Iām also finally working on creative projects for the first time in about a decade, so Iām going to see where life takes me. My best friend tells me I should become certified as a yoga teacher, and going back to school to study psychology and become a therapist would also be tight. I would love to seek a second career.
It took me a long time to get here but Iām trying to actualize and find purposeā¦ Something something Maslowās hierarchy of needs.
May 26, 2024
Rec
That's what I wrote two weeks into the cupboard after a healthy dosage of crying. Picture shows the state of the cupboard at that point. My home was fucked.
While cutting wood, I once again caught myself seething at my father. He stuffed my head with a million useless bits of nonsense but never found the time for actual knowledge or skills. So I stepped into the big world armed with the wisdom that "all Germans are fascists," "you shouldnāt stand out," and "razor blades can be changed once a year, donāt fall for corporate tricks." Meanwhile, I had no idea how to properly hammer a nail. Waltzing on the edge of slicing my fingers off, I cursed him to high heaven. Every skill had to be begged from YouTube or acquired through cuts. And thatās on top of digging out a hundred idiotic clichĆ©s and racist banalities from my head. Thanks for nothing, you piece of shit. But then, somehow, I felt lighter. Fuck that asshole and his colleagues in the grand guild of assholery. Iām at the age where I definitely donāt need to become the "best version of myself" anymoreāenough of that, please. I just need to be a decent version of my own responsible adult. The kind who explains, teaches, entertains, and helps. The kind who doesnāt try to destroy or sadden you. And in this concept, where youāre your own Parent 1/2/15 Pro Max, it becomes easier to look at both age and baggage. Youāre standing exactly where they failed with you. Donāt fail yourself. Help, make yourself laugh, and donāt let yourself slice your fingers off.
While cutting wood, I once again caught myself seething at my father. He stuffed my head with a million useless bits of nonsense but never found the time for actual knowledge or skills. So I stepped into the big world armed with the wisdom that "all Germans are fascists," "you shouldnāt stand out," and "razor blades can be changed once a year, donāt fall for corporate tricks." Meanwhile, I had no idea how to properly hammer a nail. Waltzing on the edge of slicing my fingers off, I cursed him to high heaven. Every skill had to be begged from YouTube or acquired through cuts. And thatās on top of digging out a hundred idiotic clichĆ©s and racist banalities from my head. Thanks for nothing, you piece of shit. But then, somehow, I felt lighter. Fuck that asshole and his colleagues in the grand guild of assholery. Iām at the age where I definitely donāt need to become the "best version of myself" anymoreāenough of that, please. I just need to be a decent version of my own responsible adult. The kind who explains, teaches, entertains, and helps. The kind who doesnāt try to destroy or sadden you. And in this concept, where youāre your own Parent 1/2/15 Pro Max, it becomes easier to look at both age and baggage. Youāre standing exactly where they failed with you. Donāt fail yourself. Help, make yourself laugh, and donāt let yourself slice your fingers off.
Feb 3, 2025
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šI have this dream where I make enough online friends across the world so Iāll have more of an excuse to travel one day. Imagine ! going to Peru would be fun, but knowing someone there ? Even more incredible. I also constantly wonder how to form a small following that feels cozy and niche, like weāre all huddled together in a cottage and Iām throwing a dinner party slash show and tell for anything we like. Our art, our little trinkets, favourite song whatever. I cant believe my last show and tell opportunity was at second grade - totally wasted honestly. I have cooler stuff now :(
Apr 17, 2024
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