Trying to answer this made me realize that I really donāt have a solid answer.
I remember at my Dadās funeral, the priest said, āIām sorry, he was much too youngā and he died in his 60s, so I started fixating on the amount of time we have and everything that we can do and how many lives we can touch, but that lost steam pretty quickly.
Then it was all about my little brother and helping him grow up and talking to him about my mistakes and just being a friend that I didnāt always have at his age, but if Iām being honest, sometimes that task starts to feel a little tall.
Right now, itās probably the amount of love in my life. I think that 3, maybe even 2 years ago, I felt so lonely and like I had no place in anyoneās life, and itās crazy to think that I donāt feel that anymore. I couldnāt visualize what my future could look like, and how many people I would love and how many of them would love me back, so now itās about what else Iām not able to visualize yet that could still very well happen in my future.
And sometimes I just think, ādamn Iāve been here for so long already and so much shit has happened, I just gotta see it through at this point. where else can the story goā and that kinda does it.
And I also think that if I really believe that we all have the capacity for change, I wanna see how often I can change and how much I can change and just seeing what I can do and whatās possible.
Long story short, I donāt really know and Iām not sure if I even answered your question (mostly because I canāt go back and check while writing this š
) but I think that my answers change frequently and the longer I do it, I think the answers have started to come easier, and I hope in the future that they donāt need to be as substantial. Hoping a ājust cuzā can get me by someday.
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This will be a long one, sorry in advance. Coincidentally, I was recently going through all of my bookshelves to sort what Iām keeping and what Iām giving away. I found some older journals of mine; Iām historically very bad at keeping journals but I always try and usually manage a few to even several months of some years. Looking back at them was bittersweet because I was in the same boat, severely depressed most years and wondering what the point of anything was. But at the same time, I got to see things like old bucket lists I made myself and all of the things Iāve checked off. It was an interesting moment of considering what my younger self would be thinking of me and what Iāve done in the years since whichever year it each book was from.
While I wouldnāt say time makes everything better, I will say that when you just keep pushing through eventually there comes a point where youāre more at peace than ever and you donāt even realize it at first. I donāt think thereās one universal āMeaning of life,ā but I do think the human experience is so complex and we have to teach ourselves to give our self some grace.Ā Ā
A few years ago I was at an all time high for stress, I have an autoimmune disease and the flare ups were only worsened by the stress, anxiety, and depression I was feeling, I felt burnt out and like I had put my whole life on hold for other people. Iāve since learned that while it sounds funny on the internet, free will is a beautiful thing. Choosing where and with who you spend your energy, doing things just for the love of doing them, traveling even if itās by yourself, taking yourself out to dinner or cooking for one. Iāve learned that thereās no point feeling embarrassment or anxiety about doing things by myself because really no one is paying that much attention or judging in the first place, but I also tell myself things like āyouāll never see these people again anyway, who cares,ā lol. A big one for me personally was learning boundaries and gray rockingā donāt let other peopleās emotions, moods, and manipulative behaviors dictate the way youāre feeling. But all of these little, seemingly inconsequential in the grand scheme of things (especially when youāre depressed), things that I was teaching myself along the way really helped me learn to start living for myself rather than for other people or any huge existential purpose.Ā
So, while your question was āwhatās the meaning lifeā and I donāt think anyone has a concrete answer, my unsolicited advice is that you have to keep learning yourself. How do you want to spend your time? What things spark joy for you? What things make you feel worse? Try new foods and experience new places, learn, go to museums. Pick up a new hobby. Go out in nature more, sometimes sitting in the sunshine really does wonders.
Alright, Iāll stop my little tangent now, but wishing the bestš«¶š»
Apr 10, 2025
šŖ
To be upfront, there are two things about myself that I love:
1. I'm tenacious AF
2. I am generally a positive person. I can handle almost any situtation, and I've had to learn to actually ask/demand more, so it's not always great.
With that being said, I've wanted to die many times. I've experienced a lot of trauma. I have PTSD for years. Things got to a point where I knew if I didn't make really drastic changes I was going to die in some way- I simply could not go on how I was.
The only thing that started to change things is when I started to learn more about myself and my reasons for doing things, being with certain people, getting into certain relationships. Part of my whole issue was that I had major trauma from childhood that I was actively avoiding. So many things happen to us as children, big and small, that we don't have the capacticy to deal with at the time. But as adults, we do.
I remember the moment where things started shifting for me. It unlocked a hunger in me to dig more and more to why I was the way I was, and why I made the choices I did, in a really deep way. I became more action oriented in facing my shit, healing it, and discovering what I was like without it. It definitely wasn't easy, and it wasn't fun most of the time, but in reality the years I spent doing that are small compared to the life I have ahead of me. I'm a whole new person, but the parts of me that are true are the same. I became a more mature, loving, responsible version of myself.
Hating your life is a sign something is not working. If you're unsure what that is, go inward. If you don't know where to start, think about the very next step. That's all you need to do. You're never locked in where you're at now forever. Don't know what you want to do for a career? Switch gears and do a completely different job. There is no timeline. You can literally do whatever you want. When I was doing a lot of the stressful inner work, I worked at animal shelters because I needed something so low stress. And I was mid 20's!!! No career goals in sight!!! Not even anywhere in my brain!!! If you're straight up hating something that is taking up most of your time... just quit it. Life is too short.
Success to me is ease and grace. I want a peaceful, joyful life (most of the time). Sometimes to figure out what you need to do, you gotta take a giant step back. Or a step to the left. Or take a big roundabout. Or maybe a quest needs to be taken...
Dec 4, 2024
šæ
The only thing to figure out is that there is nothing to figure out, you just exist.
You arenāt a project that has a final answer, you are a just person.
Even if there was such an answer, what if you never āfigure it outā? Will that stop you from living the life you want to live?
The answer to that question should always be no (unless youāre a scoundrel then control yaself)
Just existing isnāt the end of this, but choosing to live will be
Jan 21, 2025
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Remote, cucumber, bag of chips, house keys. Not sure they get anything out of it, but they just seem happy to be kept in the loop.
Feb 24, 2024
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It bums me out whenever someone's trying to say something but cuts themselves off or says "nevermind" because they assume that they're wasting time. Think it through, or let it come back to you. 3 years ago, I started saying, "Talk through the thought" with my friend, and I think it's made me more patient, and I've ended up hearing/saying some cool shit (or at least some funny shit) that I would've probably missed out on otherwise.
Feb 23, 2024
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Sometimes whatās understood still needs to be said
Apr 10, 2024