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been feeling v compelled lately to practice self-respect in the form of dedicating time and energy into honing my creative skills despite the loathsome grind of my 8 - 5 job.
i spent a lot of time and money and emotional energy to get the job i have now and i don't hate what i do but i do know that there's more to all of this beautiful life than playing it safe and getting sucked into a monotonous cycle.
loving and respecting myself means devoting myself to my higher aspirations. deep down i know my soul glows brightest when i create and i'm seen thru that work.
i'm on a ferocious pursuit to brighten that glow every day and i hope you are too if you feel that same impulse.
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I’m not going to call this gifted kid burnout which I think is often just a symptom of the popping of the bubble of people’s confused delusions of grandeur because they didn’t realize that gifted education programs are at best a way of giving specialized and individualized education, and at worst a way of achieving legal segregation in schools.
Not to brag, but my therapist who specialized in EMDR therapy for treating people with trauma told me that I had the most difficult childhood of anyone she had ever treated. It was also filled with beauty and I was encouraged in my many skills and pursuits early on, but the inner rot of compounded repeated traumas, keeping secrets, and hiding my suffering eventually took hold.
I was always a good student but as things at home intensified I cared less and less. A teacher noticed this and tried to take advantage of my vulnerable state. This made matters more complicated for me because still to this day he’s my favorite teacher that I ever had; he taught me much of what I know about writing and helped me to develop my skills.
After that, I spent my time in school just coasting along, putting in the minimal amount of effort to no fail. I had no goals or ambition. After graduation, I flitted from service job to service job. I started seeing my therapist and thinking about what I actually wanted to do.
I realized I had one exceptional skill which could be monetized to my advantage and I threw myself into it, grinding to make a living and improve my station in life. This worked and I live in decent material comfort, but I’ve realized the lifestyle I always thought I wanted isn’t what I want at all, so I’m reevaluating that and beginning to explore what that looks like.
There are several different exciting paths of progression my career could take, but I’m also finally working on creative projects for the first time in about a decade, so I’m going to see where life takes me. My best friend tells me I should become certified as a yoga teacher, and going back to school to study psychology and become a therapist would also be tight. I would love to seek a second career.
It took me a long time to get here but I’m trying to actualize and find purpose… Something something Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.
May 26, 2024
It’s been so long since I‘ve woken up and felt inspired to make the day my bitch. I miss being silly, I miss feeling gratitude. I want to notice life again; feel the pulse of the earth beating alongside mine.
I spend my time dulling myself on Instagram, or dreaming about my future in the mountains or ocean or California—somewhere magical where I’m happy.
Be where your feet are. That’s the mantra that was grinded into me a few summers ago. Be present and you’ll be happy. Somewhat, I’ve been trying this. meditation once a week or occasional yoga. But I’m not doing enough to make a serious impact.
May this post be my marker. The year is pretty much still fresh, spring is coming (hopefully), and I pledge to be more presen. I shall wake up ready to happy light and go to bed with a belly full of tea. Let the joy return!!!!!!
Feb 28, 2025
ever since my kindergarten teacher staged a leprechaun break-in i’ve been pouring over clusters of clovers trying to find one with four leaves. as i got older, wiser, and more embarrassed, the desperate scrounging for grade school fame morphed into passive glances of curiosity with a dash of longing. a few months ago, at my mom’s birthday, i saw a lonesome patch of clovers in a sea of other, less interesting plants. i don’t know what came over me, but instead of the glances i’d become comfortable with, i got down and i looked. i saw it instantly, like my eyes had been trained specifically to find it. there it sat, utterly incapable of comprehending of how special it was. the treasure i‘d been searching for. my white whale. i shot out of the squat that i was in and showed it to as many people as possible, but to my absolute shock, nobody gave a shit. nobody shared my excitement, nobody thought it was especially cool. this quest that i’d silently been on for the better part of my life was complete, yet there was no fanfare, and i’m okay with that. sometimes you’ve just gotta be happy with yourself.
if you’ve given yourself to something, and it means the world to you, the only person who can decide what your labor is worth is you.
Mar 18, 2025
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listen carefully when i tell you this.. you have the right of way in just about every situation. it is the car driver's responsibility to not hit people. now i'm not condoning jumping into traffic here. you should still make responsible decisions as a pedestrian.
BUT
you must feel empowered to exercise your right of way.
is a car trying to roll thru a stop sign while you're crossing and attempting to cut you off? keep walking. get in their way and make them slow down. look directly at them thru the windshield. mouth (or shout) the words "thank you" and smile at them without breaking eye contact and without breaking your stride. bonus points for slowing down your pace and making them wait even longer.
this is my daily retaliation against car-centric infrastructure. make them think, at least for one single moment, about their mistake and remind them that roads are for people before they are for cars. always.
Feb 16, 2024
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being hot, hanging out with hot people, harnessing the power of hotness. when you and your girls are hot, ur literally unstoppable.
if ur reading this ur probably hot too so try it out!
Feb 15, 2024
frankly, arugula is just that girl and i use it all the time when i need to add leaves to my diet. also consider a nice arugula salad with parmesan, black pepper, olive oil, a white vinaigrette, and even sardines if you're feelin crazy ;)
Feb 10, 2024