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if you cant lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling and let it out to al green and otis redding and etta james and all the other beautiful things you used to send back and forth and listen to together, then what’s the point? to be human is to hurt so so good, isn’t it? you know that it comes and goes in waves, so may as well let the tide wash over you while it’s in. what youre crying over doesnt exist anymore but isn‘t it at least a little glorious to have the memory of love? to know that you were once lucky enough for someone to feel that way about you? and to know that the one thing about love is that it always always comes back around, sooner or later? be ready for it when it does! one day listening to soul will make you cry in a good way again
Feb 5, 2024
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there’s something strange about the headAche that follows a good cry. it lingers. an aching reminder that the tEars were real. that the sadness was deep. the thrObbing in my temPles feels like a weight. but also a strange clarity. when everything seems blurred and raw. the mind is sharp in a way it’s neVer been before. it’s as though the heart and tHe mind have found a rhythm together. a rhythm that only comes with the quiet aftermath of pain.
it’s during this vulnerability - when tHe world feels heavy and silent that creativity flows best. when sadness wears away the surface - the soul has space to create without barriers. there’s honesty in it, a kind of bruTal truth that can only emerge from the deepest emotions. the ache. thouGh painful. clears the path for something new to emErge. it’s almost as if the sorrow is the soil for growth, and from it, idEas sprout and twist.
but i kNow that this isn’t forever. the headache will fade, and with it, the weight of tears. what once felt overWhelming will soften. moments are just the prelude to something better. the clouds will break. there will be space for the light to return.
Feb 22, 2025
Live with heartbreak for a while. It‘ll be different but the same. You’ll forget why and then remember and feel it all over again. Delete their pictures but keep them in a secret folder on your phone so you can cry by yourself watching their face smile at you.
Re-learn old habits you’ve forgotten you even enjoyed because you strayed so far away from who you once were.
In some odd way you’ll have to re-learn happiness, too. Well, not so much re-learning it but changing its meaning, find new ways to feel fulfilled, the same way you once felt with them.
Make some more lame playlists with oddly specific titles so you at least feel like you’re making something out of all the quiet pain you feel inside.
And wonder. A lot of wondering. All the time. Everywhere. In your house. At your job. Inside your body and next to you in the bed you once woke beside them, smiling.
And you’ll never forget, but it will get painfully easier.
May 7, 2024
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I’ve always had this fascination to emotion as a concept. Of course because everyone feels it every day of their life, but more of how encapsulating it can be. I watch films and hear stories and listen to songs and I come to find myself jealous?
Jealous of how pure and raw others experiences are. Why can’t I feel the agony of losing someone, why can’t I feel the devastation of a death, why can’t I lose a friend. It sounds so starkly idiotic because why would anyone want to feel such devastating things, and I’ve asked myself this a lot, part of me thinks it’ll draw more stories to tell in my life, but I think the truth of the matter is that to live is to feel. And I really want to live my life for all that it can bring me.
I write all this not to distract myself from the reality that I have in fact felt such great pain in my life. However, I always lust for more. This also feels like such a blatant explanation for my love of movies, I always feel so drawn into my love for film for it’s ability to snatch my mind away from my life and place it into another’s. My favourite films are those that have made me cry, because as painful as it is I just can’t help but love it. My favourite film is common knowledge but Call Me by Your Name draws me into such a chokehold each time I watch it because of the devastation I feel upon every watch. I never rewatch films but with it I can’t help it, because it always and forever will make me catatonic.
Anyways, I am leaving my point, my point is I am currently in a swarm of emotions from my own life and it is everything I have prayed and asked for while also not being it at all. I feel such an irresistible compulsion to break down and cry, and then I do, but I find myself listening to music and reading texts that only encourage and swell the emotional climax of these tears. In moments where I find myself urged to move on for the betterment of my day, all I can help but think about is someone I care so deeply for moving away. However, is it immature to want to move on? Why must I shun myself from these emotions. After all despite how painful it is, I find myself searching for this pain again and again.
Because to yearn is to be in pain, and to be in pain is to feel, and to feel is to live.
Mar 3, 2025
Top Recs from @testtubeadult
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the fewer the better
soon i will switch my browsers away from the info-eating tech giants and no one will find me (except when i want to return and be found)
Nov 19, 2024
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for example. at this juncture of my life i am a brick wall. even a fortress, maybe. all obstacle. windows up high, no doors. something is happening inside, deep in the tower’s belly. the soft thing in the antechamber is glowing. it’s hardening like petrified wood. and no one would ever know, because it’s safe there. peaceful. no ego-drunk conquering lords come barreling in, no sad pilgrims, no tax collectors nor gamblers nor drunks nor pretty stable boys with ringlets enter here. the wall is impermeable and unscalable. every armchair explorer that has tried to climb it has given up, released and fallen into the waters below, more welcoming than the altitude. they, like most, were not ready for blisters. the brick wall is a happy wall, a technology without failures. press your face against it, hot from the sun, victorious
Nov 24, 2024
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money is tight this month, so i‘ll be making no further plans. i am telling myself that i will spend as little as possible. i will use my time to practice the solo creative tasks that gnaw away at my brain all day anyway, to journal and reflect, and to struggle to establish something of a routine again, until i can emerge feeling that i have a handle on myself (for now). sometimes it’s fun to be restrictive, reclusive. especially in the winter. during stretches like these, i like to think of myself as a hermit or an ascetic monk.
Jan 31, 2024